Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up on socialising - I'm just so bloody awkward

109 replies

Butteredghost · 01/01/2019 09:52

I feel like all my social interactions are just so awkward I can't bear it. Sad

I have a few friends but not super close ones, but that's OK, within the normal range I suppose. I try but I never really hit it off with people. I used to have an issue where on the rare occasion I was out, I wouldn't be able to think of anything to say, literally. Think silence for hours and people commenting on it. So these days I sort of force myself to say anything that comes to mind. I also make a list before any event of conversation topics from the news, etc.

But I just come off so awkward I'm cringing even as I'm speaking. And cringing 100x more thinking about it later. I was kindly invited to a NYE party and there was a foot in mouth moment every ten minutes. And not big things like asking someone if they are pregnant and they aren't. (Although someone asked me and I'm not - adding to my humiliation). More just small things, everything I say is just boring, not funny or weird. Someone talked to me for a few minutes, then said "good chat" sarcastically in bored voice. Blush

Today visiting my in laws it was similar. It's either sit literally in silence or have everyone like Confused

And before someone says, this isn't about to high expectations on NYE. The party was a small one and I don't care about it anyway specifically, but it's any time I go out or speak to anyone, including at work.

Should I just give up and become a hermit?

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 02/01/2019 10:29

Don't feel you have to be social when you don't enjoy it. It's fine to just stick with people whose company you actually enjoy.

SteakPie · 02/01/2019 10:34

Yes there are people like that about : as another poster has said it's a matter of wheat and chaff.

Most people will find making small talk onerous. One way of motivating myself is to think I can make someone else's life easier and more pleasant for a moment by having a chat. If people are rude/ bored looking I just imagine having to live with that day in day out. And move on.

On a good day that is. I do know how it can feel rubbish to be disregarded like that. On those days I'd stick to people I know to be friendly.

DownUdderer · 02/01/2019 10:45

Does anyone else actually hate small talk because it’s so boring? I understand it, I can just about do it, but honestly I hate it because it’s boring! I can ask about them and perhaps if they have kids or how they know the host but I already know that they will give me a boring answer that I’m not interested to hear. Does anybody else feel this way?

SteakPie · 02/01/2019 10:46

Everyone hates small talk.

SteakPie · 02/01/2019 10:47

Not many people like brushing their teeth either do they?

SnuggyBuggy · 02/01/2019 10:51

I hate small talk. I don't mind a bit of it with a new acquaintance but when I've known someone a while and we haven't moved beyond it I do write them off. That probably makes me sound like a jerk but I think life is too short

ilostitoverthiz · 02/01/2019 10:56

danii I would say love you to anyone who brought pizza to me and I would mean it! Grin
op don't worry yourself too much I'm EXACTLY the same as you and then I spend weeks afterwards going over the cringey stuff I said and wishing the ground would swallow me up.

tynext · 02/01/2019 11:21

I feel your pain as I always feel very awkward too and struggle to make friends/hit it off with people

I would suggest-

Make sure you’re asking lots of questions to the other person. Lots of people are more than happy to talk about themselves and it takes the pressure off you.

A lot of what you cringe over probably hasn’t even been noticed by the other person. I think it’s common to go over conversations and feel embarrassed but it’s a possibility the other person is doing exactly the same over what THEY said.

Whoever said ‘great chat’ is just rude and way worse socially than you. Anybody like that doesn’t deserve your time.

clockworklime · 02/01/2019 11:33

@downudderer

Yes, same here - I feel like small talk is a pointless exercise in exchanging boring information that no one gives a shit about, which means when people ask me questions as part of small talk I am desperately trying not to act sarcastic in telling them the exciting news of what I do for a living or how I met X person...

I suspect I may be an arsehole, but I really am trying to work on it Halo

clockworklime · 02/01/2019 11:40

“Great Chat”

“Take two to make a conversation, Noel Coward”

PerfectPeony · 02/01/2019 11:49

Don’t be so hard on yourself!

Literally no one I know would make a comment like ‘good chat’ sarcastically. How rude! I agree you are just hanging around with idiots. You sound lovely and are just overanalysing. I’d go to the GP anyway and check for anxiety. I have felt like this at stages in my life and it has always been the depression talking. I had anti d’s a few years back which made me feel normal and not care so much what others think. Most people are nice and not thinking that you are boring! They are way to focused on themselves.

Do you have a hobby you could start where people would have a common interest? Do you have children?

AmbitiousHalibut · 02/01/2019 11:57

Hi,
Totally agree that whoever said "good chat" was incredibly rude. That's their lack of manners, no failing on your part.

I generally consider myself quite good with people, but it's a two way street and some people don't bother making the effort to meet you half way. It seems like that's what happened with you. I agree with the other advice you've been given: ask questions and try to use those as a springboard. People usually love talking about themselves! Mind you, it doesn't always work - I thought I was winning by asking my inlaws where in the world they'd like to holiday next if money were no object. Turns out, nowhere. There is nowhere on God's green earth that would interest them. 🙄 Some people can't be helped. But most can!

Good luck.

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/01/2019 12:01

You sound massively low in self-confidence. What's all this about they can tell you're 'below them' just by looking at you?!

OnlineAlienator · 02/01/2019 12:22

I really feel for you but i'd be fascinated to watch some film and see if its really as bad as you think!

The question one is best, AS someone who can talk the hind legs off a donkey when asked about myself Grin i notice it works a treat on others! You get a reputation as a great listener!

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2019 14:07

This is good in theory but wouldn't work in practice. I've found most people (especially men) don't want to bother entertaining someone they feel is socially below them. And people can tell I'm below them just by looking at me, so they feel no need to entertain me or indulge me in any way, for example, by laughing off some silly thing I say.

Those people who think they're superior aren't worth bothering with, OP, they're the ones with the problem.

The area I live in has a handful of these snooty types and whenever I've encountered that behaviour, I respond by ending the attempt at conversation and walking away from them - if I see them again, I say a breezy "hello" and make no effort to talk to them. The reaction is priceless when they realise that YOU don't give a toss about them!

There are plenty of warm, nice people in the world and those are the ones worth bothering with. As I said before, be picky and decide who you want to be friends with, the unfriendly people aren't worth your time.

Original poster
Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 20:38

What's all this about they can tell you're 'below them' just by looking at you?!

Its not low self confidence to say you can usually tell who is awkward before you even speak to them. Even I can but the difference with me is that it attracts me to them, as I like awkward people.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 02/01/2019 20:55

You sound a much better person than them OP

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/01/2019 21:21

But these are people you've just met at a party? Unless they've been observing you for a while how would they know you're awkward - what is it about how you look that looks awkward and is immediately apparent?
(As you said: "And people can tell I'm below them just by looking at me...")

Reading back your posts, it really does seem to me like you do have low self-confidence.
"...people can tell just by looking I'm horrible to talk to. If I turn to talk to someone I usually see their face fall and clearly they are thinking "oh crap"."

"But I get negative reactions. I'm not imagining them though."

The examples you have given are of people responding rather oddly IMO (how would you know that man's grandma was dead; 'nice chat' man was a rude fucker). You need to develop a 'Fuck 'em' mindset and a thicker skin.

mumofgorgeousness · 02/01/2019 21:26

I sometimes find it hard but I've learnt (with age) that it's not really just down to me, it's the people I try to talk to!

I am intimidated by loud, overly-friendly types who bounce over, hug and talk in a shouty way. I feel like little miss boring around them. Many in my social circle are soap opera watching, celebrity gossip mag readers and stand together discussing who is dating who when I couldn't give a flying fuck and am frankly irritated by the whole culture. It means I'm left out of conversation. My interests aren't unusual but they are more specialist I suppose so don't have anyone to chat about them with.

Some good advice on this thread. It is about being confident to ask questions, and listen to the replies then think quickly enough to continue it on.

Not too many direct questions though...I can't bear talking to someone who just fires off question after question it makes me feel like I'm being interviewed!

I am annoyed for the op about the funeral comment 'it was lovely to see you' 'not really, given the circumstances'. Well okay, the other person may have been feeling upset and awkward too of course, but even though it's a bad time and place, funerals do tend to bring families together when nothing else does and it IS nice to see everyone. Most people understand this and acknowledge it! Hmm

Original poster
Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 21:33

MargotLovedTom1 Yes I do have very low self confidence. Of course I do, it's hard to have high self confidence about socialising when I've been failing at it for decades. Though I try not to let it get my down. I'm just saying its unrelated to knowing someone is socially awkward just by looking. Don't you think? It's their mannerisms but I think I could even tell from a photo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 21:37

I don't say I'm below them in a "woe is me" way, just that if someone's social skills are 8/10 and mine are 2/10 then I'm literally below them in this area. Like I'm below pro tennis players in my tennis skills and below maths phds in my maths skills.

OP posts:
Original poster
Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 21:42

Thank you mumofgorgeousness exactly, I don't understand why people seem to have a need to put you down. The funeral thing wasn't really bad at all, but he chose to embarrass me over it, why? Isnt calling someone out over nothing, or making them sound stupid, the real faux pas?

OP posts:
Cattus · 02/01/2019 21:51

I don’t think there is any need for you to even go to events where you have conversations like these. Enjoy your husband, take,your child to activities and get involved in something you’d really love.
If you have a few hours to spare, volunteer at a foodbank or a hospital. I did a bit for a foodbank and the people were so lovely.

Smallgrace · 02/01/2019 21:54

I'm fine with asking questions. What I'm not good at is thinking of quick and witty responses, ie what people call banter. I think a lot of people find that style of back and forth conversation really appealing and I can never think of any immediate responses other than very generic things like 'Wow!' or 'that's awful' etc. This is what I think makes me boring to others.

How does one learn to banter? That might be useful to you OP (you sound like a lovely person btw).

MargotLovedTom1 · 02/01/2019 21:57

mum of gorgeousness has said what I was trying to say but much better! I know you weren't being 'woe is me', and what stood out for me was that the people in the examples you gave were actually the ones responding in a weird fashion. I thought exactly the same about the funeral man. Which is why I said you need to think 'sod them!' about the arseholes who make you feel like shit.
Nice people make other people feel comfortable.