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AIBU?

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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
sue51 · 01/01/2019 16:43

Not bothered after 8 years!Confused

Gth1234 · 01/01/2019 16:46

if other children are going, then he should accept that your new wife and her children are part of the deal.

Personally, I would support your wife, I think. It must be very hurtful to your wife that she still isn't a full part of the family.

Perhaps you could fix by you paying for the stepchildren yourself. Would your wife be OK with that?

BumbleBeee69 · 01/01/2019 16:47

If I were your Wife, I would NOT be attending at all after this pussy footing around.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2019 16:50

I'm very shocked at your attitude. Your DSC have been living with you for 8 years and your own DC don't see the 'steps' (nice way of referring to them 'not' Hmm) as part of their family.

incywincybitofa · 01/01/2019 16:51

It seems your family has bigger issues than this invite.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 16:59

If your teens are old enough to go alone then that’s their decision but if you take your role as sd seriously you need to either refuse to attend or offer to pay for your sc (and not let them know that your brother is a twat).

anniehm · 01/01/2019 17:00

Teenagers aren't always keen to attend weddings especially those of people that they don't have a close relationship to do it could be that there's not really a problem but I'm truly shocked at your brothers attitude - even if they weren't resident with you I would expect them to be invited! I went to a wedding recently and even the foster kids were invited of a close friend, assuming kids are invited everyone in the family unit should be included. A more subtle approach would have been your brother asking if they would want to come, but that horse has bolted. I'm with your wife, no invite no attending. I'm wondering if money is at the route of this or a really small venue? Not inviting the aunt is also quite mean (why don't people pick cheaper venues!!!)

supergrains · 01/01/2019 17:08

Wow, that is one fucked up response from you and your child about 'the steps'.
Are you from a non-British culture?
I ask because I'm am so surprised about your response to the situation and your comments.

HeebieJeebies456 · 01/01/2019 17:11

I think you've failed as a father and stepfather, then

I disagree. He's raised his dc to have self confidence and know their own minds and not be pushed/bullied by others opinions.

They didn't have a choice about having step-siblings, and just like blood-siblings the label of 'sibling' alone doesn't automatically mean you have a close and loving bond/relationship with them.

His dc will also have noticed how they don't get invited to everything that the step-siblings go to - and have had to accept this.
It's ok for them to be excluded from step-siblings fathers side of things despite having the label of 'siblings', so of course they don't think it's unfair that the steps' are not invited to an event held by an extended member of their own blood family.

The dc also have a close/good relationship with their uncle whereas the step-siblings don't.
If numbers weren't an issue then of course relative strangers could be invited/accommodated, but that isn't the case here.

I can also understand them not sympathising with their step-mum.
Does she give her ex ultimatums when it comes to him only taking his biological kids to things instead of all the siblings?

There is obviously a distinction being made between the 'siblings' when it involves the steps' biological dad and family, and nobody wants to discuss that.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 17:29

The difference with the step children doing things with their family alone is that their father has made no commitment to the ops children. When the op married someone with children he took on the role of step parent willingly and that includes treating all children equally imo. His brother didn’t make that commitment either so I guess he isn’t obliged to invite the children he isn’t biologically related to though it would have been nice to invite all or none but the op should not accept his invitation when some of his family are excluded.

MerdedeBrexit · 01/01/2019 17:33

"I think you've failed as a father and stepfather, then, if you don't see the problem and your child cannot see the problem with this. Your child's step siblings have lived with you and your children for over 8 years, since they were quite young children... and he doesn't understand why his step mother might be upset? really?!?"
I agree with AWishforWingsthatWork on this - the only reason I can think that the OP's own children are not close to their step-family (or half-sibling, either?) is that they don't live with the OP during the week and his step-children do and the OP hasn't made much of an effort to blend the 5 children and his current wife together as a family.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2019 17:37

@HeebieJeebies456

It's simply not the same thing. My DSis's DSS always lived with his dad and stepmum once they got married, so they became a blended family. There is no link at all between my DSis's own DC and DSS's mum's younger DC, so there wouldn't be any reason for them to be invited to their family events.

You're being disingenuous, as you must realise that it isn't a genuine comparison.

GlasgowWorrier · 01/01/2019 17:38

I'd expect most older teens to have enough empathy to understand why a step parent might be upset in this situation, even if they didn't agree with the reason. Maybe the apple didn't fall very far from the tree?

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2019 17:39

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would feel that I had failed to teach them empathy.

EWAB · 01/01/2019 17:47

I would be really interested in the responses to a woman asking for advice on here about her ex and his new wife trying to prevent her children going to their uncle’s wedding because the new wife’s unrelated kids weren’t invited.

Doobigetta · 01/01/2019 17:59

Omg, so much drama. I’d imagine that the OP’s older child doesn’t see the issue about the step-siblings not being invited because teenagers don’t care much about weddings- they see them as boring family obligations where they have to be on their best behaviour and miss out on whatever they’d rather be doing. I should think if the stepchildren do care about not being invited, it’s only because their mother has wound them up. The chances are that they don’t have a close relationship with the OP’s brother. I’ve met most of my step-parents’ siblings at some point over the course of two 15 year marriages, but not all of them, and I’d struggle to name even the ones I’ve met. This is just yet another example of people looking for reasons to be arsey about someone else’s wedding. And the whole thing about “we’re a family, we come as a unit or not at all” is really very hard work and unrealistic. It’s nice that you feel close, but it doesn’t need to turn you into some kind of borg collective. You’re a family, but you all have individual relationships with the rest of the world, even the rest of your wider family.

PrettyLovely1 · 01/01/2019 18:04

"I would be really interested in the responses to a woman asking for advice on here about her ex and his new wife trying to prevent her children going to their uncle’s wedding because the new wife’s unrelated kids weren’t invited."

Thats not what has happened here though is it she asked her dh not to go, she hasnt prevented the bio kids going at all.

PrettyLovely1 · 01/01/2019 18:05

"I'd expect most older teens to have enough empathy to understand why a step parent might be upset in this situation, even if they didn't agree with the reason. Maybe the apple didn't fall very far from the tree?"

Totally agree.

MeredithGrey1 · 01/01/2019 18:06

Had lunch with one of my older ones in a pub. As I suspected not bothered about steps not being invited and couldn’t really understand why my wife was upset.

Surely this isn’t really that relevant, seeing as it’s not this child’s feelings you/your wife would be worried about? Regardless of whether or not you agree with people here who say your brother is wrong, or those saying your wife is wrong, whether or not your biological child (who has been invited) is upset on their stepsibling’s behalf doesn’t come into it.

HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 18:06

I agree @Doobigetta.

TAMumof3 · 01/01/2019 18:06

Sounds like he just can't afford the cost of more and more people.
He has drawn the line at cousins /aunts / step-neices and nephews and to be honest that seems fair to me. How old are the step kids and how often does he spend time with them ?
He might just not really see tem as family as such if ties are a bit loose and money a bit tight. Just be cause you married their mum it doesn't mean he has to embrace them, their grandparents, their relatives etc etc where would it end.

RedTartanLass · 01/01/2019 18:06

I had the same thing. My do's brother and new wife didn't invite my own ds to their wedding. The 2 dc we had together were invited. I was seething. We went to the wedding with our dcs and left straight after.

I have never ever forgiven them. My own ds had been part of the family for 12 years. I've never been able to understand it.

I could have kicked off and not gone, but for the sake of dp, we went.

Awful, vile jealous new wife. 7 years later and I'm just sitting back and waiting for karma to bite her.

EWAB · 01/01/2019 18:09

Many on here are suggesting that the bio kids should be prevented from going though.... not that you could prevent a 17 year old non-resident child from going.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2019 18:14

Does your Mother see them as Grandchildren?

Would your Brother have come up against your Mother had he invited them and not her Sister?

You're getting the replies that you are, but whenever an OP asks if they should let their future MIL financially contribute so she can have more Family come, everyone says No.

There's two people that have decided on the guestlist, not just your Brother.

The future relationship is now fucked, there'll be no happy family meet-ups, with your Wife and DB/SIL. This is bigger than the Wedding.

You need to find out if they've thought it through.

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 01/01/2019 18:15

So your db and his fiancee are not able to invite all the biological aunts etc they want to their wedding.

They have invited his db (you), dsil, and 3 biological dn's and left out 2 step dn's.

I can understand why they have done that, they don't want to sacrifice more biological family members to add in step members.

But it has caused a problem for you and your family, as that is what they are to you, and you are now torn between your dw and 5 children, and your db and his fiancee. A really hard one. (I assume you want to go to be part of db's wedding)

There is probably no way to sort it out without someone being hurt/not liking your decision. I think you need to sort it out in such a way that you support the most 'valuable' people to you. If I or my dh were put in the same position we would just quietly decline the invitation. If a db didn't want all my family there, biological or not, we wouldn't go.

It would be different if none of your children had been invited but your db and fiancee, having invited some of your children, have caused a problem and they should be the ones 'put out' by you refusing to go rather than your wife feeling 'put out' by you accepting your step children are not part of the wider family by accepting the invitation.

There is the possibility of you going alone, or with your dw, leaving all dc's behind; or you offering to pay towards all 5 of your children going so db doesn't need to 'fork out' for them all, but I think the damage of finding out your dsc's are not necessarily viewed as part of the wider family has been done and can't be reversed. (They may be viewed as family, but not as high up in the hierarchy as biological aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews etc.) It's possible it will leave a sour taste in your dw's mouth and she will never look on your family the same again. She might also be hoping you don't think similarly to your brothers (hopefully you don't) and she may need a bit of tlc, extra love and a whole heap of support and reassurance from you.

I don't envy you your decision, but I know I would rather my dh supported me over his db, unless I was wrong.

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