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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 01/01/2019 18:19

Also, I think your db should have mentioned it to you before the invitations went out to see if there was any way to not put you in this position (come up with a solution before the issue arose), but I don't think he thought it would be a problem. Therefore he doesn't seem to see your dsc's as much a part of your family as you do.

Sewrainbow · 01/01/2019 18:20

I agree with your wife, they live with you full time and are your children too

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 01/01/2019 18:39

Let your older children decide if they want to go or not but you stay with your wife and the other children.

You chose to marry and live with someone and their children. You chose to become a family unit with your wife and her two older children.

What would you do if instead of these two being your step children they were two children that you and wife adopted when they were young children? Would you accept your brother’s argument then or would it not even come up.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/01/2019 18:55

Your brother should NOT have put you in this position. SC were in your family since they were 5 and 7.. just kids...
You really can't invite half of the household to a wedding..it's not on.

You should support your wife.

flowery · 01/01/2019 19:02

”Had lunch with one of my older ones in a pub. As I suspected not bothered about steps not being invited and couldn’t really understand why my wife was upset.”

That’s heartbreaking surely? Their step siblings have been living with them as a family for 8 years and they don’t understand why this is an issue?

PrettyLovely1 · 01/01/2019 19:02

"Many on here are suggesting that the bio kids should be prevented from going though.... not that you could prevent a 17 year old non-resident child from going."

Well thats not what Op has said is it nor has he said his wife is preventing them. Its really unfair to make out as though the wife is some sort of controlling person here preventing people from doing things. She isnt. He explained in the very first paragraph how she has been the perfect wife and never asked anything of him.
For once she has asked her husband to stand by her which she shouldnt have had to anyway, he should have supported her from the beginning.

HeebieJeebies456 · 01/01/2019 19:11

You're being disingenuous, as you must realise that it isn't a genuine comparison
No, i'm not being disingenuous - and it most definitely is comparable.

they live with you full time and are your children too
No - they are NOT his children. They are his ^step children*. They actually have their own father who is present in their lives.

He can try and treat them as he would his biological dc, but the fact remains that there IS a difference - and that difference is obviously important in some contexts.

Yabbers · 01/01/2019 19:17

Had lunch with one of my older ones in a pub. As I suspected not bothered about steps not being invited and couldn’t really understand why my wife was upset.

Presumably you took the opportunity to correct them and explain why your wife was quite right to be upset and how as a family you should stick together.

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2019 19:23

Had lunch with one of my older ones in a pub. As I suspected not bothered about steps not being invited and couldn’t really understand why my wife was upset.

It’s stuff like this that honestly makes me despair and even more determined my children are never part of a step family. The other two step family threads say it all and this is just the icing on the cake.

OP - if your children can’t see why their stepmother would be bothered about the ‘steps’ not being invited you’ve done a poor job.

Your lack of awareness and insight is truly godsmacking.

erykahb · 01/01/2019 19:32

Of course your children won't get it. they aren't parents!!! Your wife feels strongly about this.

It's her children that are being excluded, I mean, you obviously see them as just her children or you wouldn't even have made a thread about it.

If I were your wife- I'd probably see you differently now, whatever you decided to do, as you've even had to question what you should do.

It's such a shame for your wife and her children.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 01/01/2019 19:41

OP's Step-Children have been living with him for full time save for EOW for 8 years. Since they were 5 and 7 years old.

5 and 7 years old.

And he doesn't see the problem. And his older, should have some understanding, almost adult child doesn't see the problem.

Mind boggling.

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2019 19:43

@AWishForWingsThatWork

I agree wholeheartedly

Gth1234 · 01/01/2019 20:12

Regarding the split family, I really don't think it is appropriate to allow the views of the children to divide the parents. It's easy for that to become the thin end of the wedge.

It seems to be a common thing nowadays for children to be too involved in every aspect of family lives. Some things should not concern them, as they will understand when they have their own families in due course. IMHO

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 01/01/2019 20:50

All kinds of not normal!
I'm a stepmum, and if there was ever a family event where my stepson wasn't invited but my own daughter was, my DH wouldn't even have to open his mouth before I advised it was all of us of non of us.

We're a family of 4. In fact I'd be absolutely livid. And from my own sibling even more so. I can't imagine what kind of relationship you all have for you not to immediately take your wife's side in this.

incywincybitofa · 01/01/2019 21:14

Reading through this again the OP doesn't seem that bothered that they aren't invited. No wonder his oldest children aren't bothered and no wonder his wife is so determined to see where he stands.
No one is saying these children need to be buried in the family plot or inherit a grandchild share of the family silver, but where an event celebrates marriage and thus family life his marriage and family should be accepted and welcomed to the celebrations in it's wholeness not pruned for the sake of biology or seating plans.

Iswallowtoothpaste · 01/01/2019 21:16

That’s awful. I wouldn’t go, my step daughter has been in my life for over 6 years and I’d be mortified if we were all invited somewhere and she wasn’t.

dashitauntagatha · 01/01/2019 21:17

I am really confused at people suggesting that it's the same as the step children's family not inviting all the siblings (inc OP's children from first wife) to events and agree it must be disingenuous. The step children's father does not LIVE WITH the other siblings and they are not part of a family so of course his family wouldn't invite them all to things.

The OP has lived with the step children since they were little and included them in his his family life. They are a unit. I feel so sad for step children on these threads when people take the hardline stance of - well they have their own father and his family - like that must be a bonus to them so to make it even its fair that they are left out of other things - when actually you don't know anything about their father, or what sort of additional family life he provides - and indeed whether the step children welcome that or it enriches their lives in any way.

It's not about tit for tat - its about basic kindness and humanity. It's cruel to leave half the family out because they are not a blood relative - children don't really care about blood connections. Someone once said to me: 'what makes a parent? proximity' and that's so true. Of course you can technically/legally be someone's parent and live halfway across the world - but it is the people that are most present in their daily lives that will have the most impact on them in a parenting role.

It's sad that your teenager son doesn't see that OP but you can bet your step children will be hurt to be left out as they won't understand they are supposed to be ok with it because they have another father - your wife would't be taking this stance unless she knew this too.

HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 21:32

I think what this thread shows is that whilst individuals happily accept blended families, they still don't view them in the same way as 'blood' relatives & that has hit a nerve for a lot of people, including the Ops DW. I'm not saying that's right, just stating a fact.

Also, if the Ops own DC don't see them as siblings, then it's highly unlikely that extended family would.

Original poster
ByScott · 01/01/2019 21:42

Right I am not going. My wife is now sobbing and I have phoned my ex wife to give her details so the older kids can go on their own. Will tell brother tomorrow. My step-kids know nothing about wedding. People were right about it making no difference now if he changes his mind. My older kids are. going to be pissed off. I am poleaxed. Thanks to everyone even the insulting ones!

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 01/01/2019 21:44

Well done on your decision!!!! Definitely the right thing to do

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2019 21:45

Can you honestly not see what a terrible thing your brother has done?

Consolidateyourloins · 01/01/2019 21:48

I think that's the right decision for your marriage and family.

Is ex-wi going?

sue51 · 01/01/2019 21:49

You've made the right decision.

HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 21:49

It's horrible you've been put in this position Op, I really feel for you.

flowery · 01/01/2019 21:50

”I have phoned my ex wife to give her details so the older kids can go on their own.”

Really?! Even after you (hopefully and presumably) emphasised to them what an outrageous slight this was on your family unit? They still want to go and you’re going to let them? Blimey.