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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
chillpizza · 01/01/2019 14:45

His not really their uncle though. Same as I’m not really sils kids aunt. If I divorced dh I wouldn’t see that child again and that’s not a blended family issue.

There is a huge different between step children and adoption as well one you are the legs parents jointly the other if one parent buggers off so do their children never to be seen again.

People are here shout so loud about how blended family’s are magical real families so far over the truth. The thread where us step children mostly said our parents would say it was perfect but that we wouldn’t inflict a blended family on our own children.

Op leave the wife at home and go with your children.

Bobbybobbins · 01/01/2019 14:47

Don't your step children have the opportunity for special days out/treats etc when they spend time with their father that the other children obviously do not?

lau888 · 01/01/2019 14:49

Having seen the ages of the kids, this isn't a brother vs wife being in the right. This is how are you going to explain to your 6 year old why two teen siblings are "family" and the other two teen siblings are not. You can't. If your brother isn't going to invite all the kids and/or you can't discuss it with him, you'll have to decline for the sake of the youngest child who should not be put in this horrible situation. Sorry. x

TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 14:56

This is how are you going to explain to your 6 year old why two teen siblings are "family" and the other two teen siblings are not

Surely the six year old already knows he has two half siblings and two step siblings. Therefore knows that family is only family to some anyway. I'd imagine he doesn't get to go anywhere with the two older ones when they are with their dad or his family so no different.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2019 14:58

Why the assumption that marriages are going to break up? A lot don't! So many of you give that as a reason why step kids shouldn't be seen as family, it's very negative.

My BIL's and SIL's kids are as much my DNs as my DSis's DCs (including her DSS).

RUOKHUN · 01/01/2019 15:05

Big Bang Actually I think all the siblings are half siblings.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 15:05

Sorry but I’m with your wife and the fact you’re even considering attending shows your own views about your step children who you have been in a parental role to since the youngest was 5???? Would you go if your brother had invited one of your bio children and not the other? Of course your wife doesn’t want to exclude 2 of her children from a family event - publicly singling them out as less important and neither should you.
I agree with pp that’s it’s completely different leaving some children from a household out and leaving a whole household out or saying no kids full stop.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 01/01/2019 15:08

Too cowardly to stand up for his wife.

Too cowardly to tell his brother he is completely out of order treating his family of 8 years in this manner. He's been living with and help raise his step children since they were in primary school! They are his family, too!

Too cowardly to come back to face the almost unanimous opinion on his OP to admit that he, ByScott, has failed his wife and family by not pulling his brother up immediately and declining the invitation if it wasn't rectified.

strawberryalarmclock · 01/01/2019 15:12

Dh and I were invited to a 'child free' wedding, we were told that only closely related dc were invited and as dh was the grooms cousin we accepted this and went without our dc.
But guess what? Other cousins had there children there, including two who were identical in age as ours! Our dc are my dh stepchildren but he has lived with us for almost 10 years.
We were hugely insulted and while dh has never raised it, it has left a permanent bad feeling towards his cousin and wife and he now actively avoids them.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 01/01/2019 15:15

Your brother is very rude.

My stepmother's sister invited me and my brother to her wedding but then sat us on a table at the back with people we didn't know, while my dad, stepmum and their children sat together at the front. We were still children ourselves. Twat.

flowery · 01/01/2019 15:22

”There is no way on earth that my children won’t attend. They would think I was mad if I suggested they didn’t go.”

Really? That’s a bit sad. I have two stepbrothers. If a member of my biological family invited me to a family wedding and excluded them, no way would I consider attending. They are my brothers. Simple.

Lizzie48 · 01/01/2019 15:23

Regardless of what may or may not happen in the future (friendships break up, this doesn't mean that you don't invite friends), if you're inviting families rather than having a child free wedding, you don't exclude members of that family. The OP's DW is rightly objecting to 2 of the DC being excluded.

I notice that the OP hasn't come back?

Stompythedinosaur · 01/01/2019 15:29

I think you should support your wife.

Tistheseason17 · 01/01/2019 15:30

I'm shocked you even have to ask this, OP.

Sounds like you don't consider the step-children as your family, either.

If you cannot see why your DW is upset you have even bigger problems than your DB's wedding to worry about.

VictoriaFarmer · 01/01/2019 15:39

This reply has been deleted

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U2HasTheEdge · 01/01/2019 15:43

Completely agree with your wife here. My husband would never go to a wedding where his step children weren't invited. I would be devastated if he did.

Original poster
ByScott · 01/01/2019 15:50

Still here! Haven’t seen my brother so nothing to report!
Had lunch with one of my older ones in a pub. As I suspected not bothered about steps not being invited and couldn’t really understand why my wife was upset. Didn’t even raise subject about us all not going as I would know the answer.
My brother knows all the kids but obviously has a closer relationship with older two. I will report back when I catch up with brother.

Obviously my wife’s ex has no relationship with any of my kids and I cannot see a parallel. The only parallel would be the relationship his family have with his second wife’s children. My youngest is a half sibling with my wife’s children and mine and they are step-children with eachother. They get on reasonably well. My youngest totally gets the relationships.

OP posts:
LiftedHigh · 01/01/2019 15:52

Go alone, leave all kids home

BeautifulPossibilities · 01/01/2019 15:53

I've been a step-child and I'm now a parent of my own biological child.

I fully understand that you may not feel actually feel the connection and love with step-family and that's absolutely OK. BUT all the children must be treated the same by the adults here. It's absolutely not OK and if you are weak willed as their parent and allow them to be treated like that they will remember it.

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 16:01

Would the step teens even want to go to the wedding? I know when I was a teen a hated them!

A quick chat with your brother to see if extending the invitation is an option. Your older kids should go regardless - your wife cannot and should not stop them.

If your brother doesn’t feel, for whatever reason, that he wants your step kids at his wedding then you have a choice. Either you go alone, or you don’t go. Explain this to your brother. I suspect he will invite the step kids - and it will just turn out to be a bit of a thoughtless overnight.

Try not to allow this to blow up into a family feud.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 01/01/2019 16:15

Had lunch with one of my older ones in a pub. As I suspected not bothered about steps not being invited and couldn’t really understand why my wife was upset. Didn’t even raise subject about us all not going as I would know the answer.

I think you've failed as a father and stepfather, then, if you don't see the problem and your child cannot see the problem with this. Your child's step siblings have lived with you and your children for over 8 years, since they were quite young children... and he doesn't understand why his step mother might be upset? really?!?

Wow.

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/01/2019 16:20

Your last response made me feel very sad. Have the step-children been treated so differently by everyone that your two eldest don't look upon them as family too? After 8 years of you being one of their primary day to day parents. Poor kids!

TheMythOfFingerprints · 01/01/2019 16:26

Why would you let your child dictate whether or not you go to this wedding?

Hiphopopotamous · 01/01/2019 16:33

Your poor wife and step children.
I fear if you and the bio kids go it will significantly affect your relationship with your wife.

Hidillyho · 01/01/2019 16:42

So 3 out of 5 kids are invited to the wedding, the youngest being the biological sibling to all the other kids.

to be honest, I would be majorly pissed off if my kids weren’t invited but the others were. I probably wouldn’t stop you going, however my 3 children (so including the youngest who has been invited) wouldn’t be going and I would be taking them out for the day. I would struggle to rebuild a relationship with your brother too

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