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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 01/01/2019 11:12

It sounds like he is their uncle, though, even if not by blood. They have lived with him the majority of the time for 8 years. We've always treated my DSis's DSS as a nephew and invited him to family events along with his half siblings. Because he's a member of their blended family.

BollocksToBrexit · 01/01/2019 11:20

If my DH allowed his brother to treat my DD like this I'd divorce him. Thankfully he's not an arse and neither are his siblings.

Josiebloggs · 01/01/2019 11:25

If you were my DH I'd be disappointed and considering leaving you. A family unit should be a united family, if you go you are confirming to your brother and family that your step children are not part of that unit. I could not be with someone who viewed my children like that after 8 years.

Whocansay · 01/01/2019 11:36

You can't pick and choose the children that you take. If you go along with excluding your SC, that will do terrible things to your relationship with them.

I would decline on behalf of ALL the children and just go with your wife, if that is an option.

I wouldn't go on your own though as that sends out a dreadful message.

Your brother has put you in a horrible position. He should have made it a childfree wedding if money is a factor, not discard children that he doesn't feel close to. He could win prizes for his lack of sensitivity. I doubt your wife will be comfortable with him ever again.

Jaxhog · 01/01/2019 11:39

Not inviting his aunties is probably down to numbers. Not inviting ALL your children is down to meanness. I'm surprised you didn't see this immediately, but not surprised by your wife's position.

Do your SCs get invited to your other family events? If so, then you need to have a chat to your brother. Ultimately, you may have to decide between your family and your brother. I know which way I'd go.

LASH38 · 01/01/2019 11:46

What are the dynamics? Does your brother see the step kids often? Do the step kids have any kind of relationship with your brother?

Personally, I think the whole family should be invited but as an example, we see so many threads wanting to exclude the step kids from holidays and whatnot that if say the OP’s wife is of that flavour and excludes the OPs children (her step kids) at times, then the precedent to pick and chose which kids are included will have already been set.

Maybe I am projecting or reading too much into things but I think context might be important here...

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 12:13

I think we need to understand your brothers relationship with your step kids. Has he ever met the children, does he see them regularly?

Your brothers definition of his family clearly differs from your definition of his family

You can’t force your bother to think of these children as his family, but you can explain to him that they are your family, and you are hurt they haven’t been included.

Step children aren’t the same as your own children (biological or adopted), and it can be tricky to integrate them into extended families. While they should of course be welcomed into the family, often extended members will have in their mind that these children’s have their own grandparents/ aunts, uncles etc and they are just bonuses.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/01/2019 12:19

How often does he see your stepchildren? Does he have a relationship with them? I think in your wife's shoes I would be saying that I wouldn't be going if my dc weren't invited but if you wanted to go then so be it.

Maybe talk to him again explaining how upset your wife is about it?

cuppycakey · 01/01/2019 12:24

I agree with Dollymixture we need much more info.

I am very close to my DSIS stepchildren and would never exclude them from an event like this - I consider them the same as her biological children.

I am not at all close to the SC of one of my brothers. I very rarely see them or hear anything about them. I wouldn't even think of inviting them to a family event.

Lose2StoneObviously · 01/01/2019 12:25

I think you are confusing how you see your step kids with how you think others should see them, and that is some thing you can't control!

.Do you insist your biological kids go on access visits with your stepkids? It is the same situation really

RosaAbsolute · 01/01/2019 12:29

How old are your stepchildren and how often does your BIL see them?

EWAB · 01/01/2019 13:16

I have spent the best part of a decade trying to integrate my child into a step family; it didn’t work.
Initially not invited to a wedding albeit a cousin’s one and then not included in photos. The damage has been done; I don’t envy you.
Anyway your older kids have seen you leave them to move in with kids of similar ages and now people are actually saying that they should be stopped from going to their uncle’s wedding. No! Whatever you decide they shouldn’t be dragged into it. Your younger one is a bit more complicated.
Genuinely I don’t envy you.

ChristmasFan2018 · 01/01/2019 13:26

I think it's so sad that your DB doesn't see all the children the same

rookiemere · 01/01/2019 14:05

I agree with those saying you need to speak to your DB. 7 people is a lot for one family to attend a wedding with limited places and I suspect the decision to exclude your stepkids came from numbers rather than anything else.

Perhaps if your DB apologises to your DW then some compromise can be made.

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 14:09

Christmas I’m not sure I would see step nieces and nephews in the same way as my biological (or adopted) nieces and nephews. I would of course involve them in the family and make them welcome. I would be interested in their lives and they would probably see me as an irritating old bat. I would invite them to a wedding. But I would really be their aunt, and if there was a divorce they wouldn’t be related to me at all.

It’s like saying you should see your sister in law as th same as your sister. For some people this is how is works out - but for many people a in laws just aren’t as close. And step children are really in laws.

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 14:09

Wouldn’t really be their aune

bifflediffle · 01/01/2019 14:10

Going against the grain.

My brother has a partner who has a child. They live at the other end of the country. I've never met the child. She's older teen. When I've seen brother or they've been here it has been when the child is with her father.

If I was getting married I would invite his two bio kids, who come with him and I have a relationship with. I wouldn't invite a teenager I've never met.

bifflediffle · 01/01/2019 14:12

And tbh if she said she wasn't coming if her daughter didn't get an invite, I would tell her that was fine.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/01/2019 14:12

bifflediffle but would you invite them if they had lived with your brother since they were 5 years old?

I’m guessing they have met in those 8years but maybe not as we have no idea how often they see the brother etc as a family.

bifflediffle · 01/01/2019 14:14

she was 8 or 9 when brother and his partner got together. No I wouldn't invite her. I have never met her. why the hell would I invite a teenager I don't know?

LaChatte · 01/01/2019 14:17

Your DB is an inconsiderate twat, and your DW is being quite measured in her Reaction. The fact that you're even hesitating makes me feel sorry for her and your step-children.
As a comparison, DH and I have a DD together and I have a DS from a previous relationship. A couple of years ago I fell out with the in laws, and haven't seen them since, but DH still visits them and is invited to family events with DD and D(S)S. At Xmas and birthdays DS and DD receive the same amount of money from FIL and SIL.

TidyDancer · 01/01/2019 14:24

I think, as other posters have suggested, it is relevant how much contact your family have with your step children. I personally would still not exclude them but it may be more understandable that they have been if your brother has only met them once or twice (for example).

MaggieFS · 01/01/2019 14:28

One of my cousins is divorced and his new partner has two kids. We would never dream of distinguishing between his kids and her kids for a family do because they're a unit and they come together. Sometimes they can't make it if it's a weekend at their dad's or sometimes his kids are at their mum's and just her kids come, but the point is they are a family and we invite them all and we treat them all equally. And they've only been together three years and are not married.

Totally out of order for your brother to not invite them and to invite your kids.

Not sure how close he is to your aunt, but it seems like he's made choices about the wedding he is planning and is prioritising his choices, happy to burn some family bridges in the process. I think it's poor form that you didn't immediately tell him so and God knows how your poor wife must feel. Not easy but you have to prioritise your wife and tell your brother.

ChloeCrawfor · 01/01/2019 14:34

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TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 14:35

I think some people have a rosy eyed view on blended families because they want their partner but they are rarely truly blended. I know several people who have nothing to do with the step parent or step siblings now they are adults.

I'd imagine the uncle knows the others do things alone with their family so sees this as no different. They aren't his nieces/nephews and given he doesn't have room for actual family it seems a logical decision to him.