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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 05/01/2019 11:29

With all due respect, why do so many posters on MN assume a marriage is going to break up? I believe statistics still show that half all marriages do go the distance. It isn't a reason to not prioritise his own family.

PrettyLovely1 · 05/01/2019 11:32

"So are you still going to be his best man? I think I'd find it very difficult to play that part, stand up and talk about your brother, when he doesn't consider your stepchildren part of YOUR family. Not inviting stepchildren is a bit like not inviting a spouse. A spouse of 8 years' standing! And to take that on the chin and make a glowing speech about how fab the couple are... Ugh!"

Totally agree, I also wonder how that speech will go.

"Thinking about it, I think your DB sounds like he's been jealous of you all these years. 'Two weddings that other people paid for' who the hell says something like that??? Whereas he's only just now getting married for the first time."

Totally agree with this too, by the way the brother sounds I also wonder if you arent infact that close giving the way he has talked about your family amd treated them, are you just best man because he doesnt have many friends or close friends enough to call them a best man? Cant say I would be surprised.

EWAB · 05/01/2019 11:59

Threads about weddings and threads about step-kids always strike a chord with me.
With this thread I actually think everyone’s feelings are valid but it is only the wife who is now prepared to ‘not rock the boat’ and put her feelings to one side.
Think it’s fine for only bio- ( I assume) niece to be bridesmaid and not step-equivalent.
Being completely selfish I would also like to know what the brothers’ mum and possibly father if he is still alive think but I don’t think they should be dragged in as it is the brother’s wedding and the OP and his wife will lose the moral high ground making it all about them and I would be worried more drama might create resentment towards the step-kids.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 05/01/2019 12:01

OP, if your brother was marrying a woman with a young child, a child who would henceforth reside with he and his wife for 80+% of the time, would your brother not expect said child to be included in family invitations for meals? Christmas dinner if the entire family was being invited? Family parties?

I bet he would.

Or would he understand that his new stepchild, a little one, should be excluded because his extended family didn't feel like he counted as family.

I bet he wouldn't.

Your brother is an aresehole. And so is the woman he's marrying.

But I bet you'll say lovely things about him at his wedding.

HannahnotAgnes · 05/01/2019 12:06

I find your comments interesting @EWAB - why do you think it would have been ok for a bio-niece to be bridesmaid but not a step-niece? Surely the same logic applies to that situation as it does to the overall invitation in the first instance?

Regardless, I actually think that no parties involved in this situation are wrong, just coming at it from their own perspectives (again not wrong). Losers all round sadly.

SusanneLinder · 05/01/2019 12:10

I am in a step family, and DH has always treated my older girls as his own. If this happened to us, we wouldn't even need to discuss it. DH would have refused point blank to attend. Different if NO kids though.
All of us or none of us.

EWAB · 05/01/2019 12:12

He thinks his niece is more important than his step-niece. I don’t think that’s wrong. However I would have invited them all to the actual wedding.

freshfoodpeople · 05/01/2019 12:35

but my brother pointed out that I had had two weddings paid for by other people- correct the first time and partially correct the second time

What on earth does that have to do with anything?!

Your brother sounds worse and worse with each update. As do you.

chillpizza · 05/01/2019 12:49

It’s not just diverse. If the wife died the step children would go to their father. If the wife was jailed again the step children would be gone. If she had such a huge mental breakdown and was sectioned etc etc the ex could go to court for full custody.

Many things without divorce could lead to the children no longer being around or only around every other weekend.

Even biological family members drift apart but come together for big events because you know family. Step children don’t often tend to be dragged back in at those points.

TheMincePiesAreMine · 05/01/2019 13:11

But chillpizza you don't let disaster scenarios govern how you treat children in your household. You treat children as equals to one another because they all deserve that - they all need to feel welcome, and like they belong in their own home. It's not their fault that their parents divorced and they shouldn't be treated like second class citizens as a result. Should they get smaller portions of ice-cream because their dad buys them ice-cream too? Smaller bedrooms because OP loves his bio children more? Of course not.

Your family break up scenarios could go either way too. If their dad died, they'd likely end up with OP full time. If both their parents died it's quite possible they could end up with OP. God forbid these things happen, but worst case scenarios should not drive some sort of ranking system of children within a family unit, blended or not.

Lizzie48 · 05/01/2019 13:17

Your family break up scenarios could go either way too. If their dad died, they'd likely end up with OP full time. If both their parents died it's quite possible they could end up with OP. God forbid these things happen, but worst case scenarios should not drive some sort of ranking system of children within a family unit, blended or not.

This 100%. Well put.

Dollymixture22 · 05/01/2019 13:25

When I think about is carefully, I realise I have step cousins!! They arrived on the scene when we were all adults and I do not consider them part of my family. I have met them once and I don’t even remember their names. My parent certainly don’t think of them as neices and nephews, and wouldn’t invite them to any family functions. Their dad is of course invited as my aunts husband.

It would be weird if my aunt insisted I should treater Step children in the same way I treat my cousins.

BlackberryandNettle · 05/01/2019 13:38

Horrible update OP. You're prepared to ask your wife and kids to put their feelings aside so that you don't have to enter into confrontation with your brother. Horrible to ask some siblings but not others and asking one to be an attendant whilst others do not attend is even more divisive and I think also manipulative. Your going along with this will make your step children feel like second class citizens and will be something that they remember.

I think you should attend with your wife and leave all kids at home. Also your brother is putting his fiance first, while you are asking your wife to set her feelings aside - you need to stand up and put your wife first.

TheBigBangRocks · 05/01/2019 13:44

They aren't siblings though. Their parents might be married but they aren't siblings, just children bought together by marriage. They don't share a mum or dad so no actual relation.

The step children have their own life with their dad, holidays etc without the others. No different.

WestBerlin · 05/01/2019 13:50

I think it’s the right decision. That you go to the wedding clearly means a huge amount to your actual children, and is it really worth jeopardising those relationships? Potentially becoming estranged over this?

The step children have their own paternal family.

Hiphopopotamous · 05/01/2019 14:46

You, your brother and your eldest child are all cut from the same cloth. Selfish and no respect for others feelings.

Your wife is a saint. You don't deserve someone as nice as her.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2019 14:48

your brother is a Dick and you are a spineless man OP. you have sat back and let everyone go through the upset of your inaction, then rejoice when your poor wife caves and agrees to your excluding her and her children, you are horrible.

Whyisareallthenamestaken · 05/01/2019 14:50

I understand it's not the 1st time you've both been married so may not also be the last. So they might not even be your family another 8 yrs from now. If they are all siblings and should be treated equally, why then are your children not going on said holiday with them🙄🙄? They are your step children and will definitely put their real dad before you if it comes to it. I will advise OP to put his real children first and also not fall out with his family over this because he might be needing them again to fund another wedding😊

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2019 14:50

your brother stood up for his mere fiance, , but after all these years of marriage and blended children, you can’t even stand up for YOUR Wife and the kids you have brought up from toddlers. Disgusting.

Whyisareallthenamestaken · 05/01/2019 14:58

The popular opinion on Mumsnet might be that your wife's feeling is valid, but remember that probably more than half the members here are in your wife's position and will side with your wife on this one because they wouldn't want thir children excluded or not treated as family. All mothers want their children from previous relationships accepted but the truth is you can't force everyone to accept them. That's just life just deal with it.

BumbleBeee69 · 05/01/2019 15:07

Im not in HIs Wifes position, as Im sure equally, many others aren’t either.

PoliticalBiscuit · 05/01/2019 15:22

I would assume the point of his marriage is to become a family, and his girlfriend to become his wife, and her parents to be treated as he treats his own. And for their unity to be shared and celebrated with their family.

That he can't see your family is absolutely staggering. What's the point of living together? What's the point if a wedding?

SusanneLinder · 05/01/2019 16:04

So you are going to go to this wedding and be the Best Man, and allow your oldest child to be an attendant despite your stepchildren not being invited and on the day your wife and stepchildren will be at home. Shows exactly where your priorities lie.
So glad my husband would have the balls to stand up to his brother, if he had ever done this ( he didn't).
Like other posters said...disgusting.

AliasGrape · 05/01/2019 16:21

I’m getting married this year, the only children invited are my 8 nephews and nieces. Actually 3 of them are ‘step’ but it wouldn’t occur to me not to invite them/include them because they’re all children and all part of the family. I think your brother has made a cruel, divisive and selfish choice and I think you are weak for going along with it. Your wife and (step) children will remember this and your other children and family members have learned it’s ok by you to treat them as lesser. Very sad.

timeisnotaline · 05/01/2019 16:30

I couldn’t do a best man speech about your brother. Knowing he has happily excluded your wife and some of your blended children. What can you say? Bro, I’m tryyibg to enjoy this as I won’t see you as much in the future because of the statement you’ve made about my wife and her children, I’ll be lucky if she looks at me the same way tomorrow and don’t expect her to like you ever again?