Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

[ByScott]

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

That’s assuming that the bio kids see them as siblings! They may very well not and instead be very pissed off that 1, they’ve been forced on them in that way, and 2, they’re being prioritised by their own father.

Maybe the biological children would like to spend some time with their father without the step siblings tagging along?

Maybe they would. But that time doesn’t have to be a family wedding that the step children are excluded from.

There is a difference between spending some time with just his older kids and going to a family event with every close family member apart from the 2 step children.

I doubt that they think of their non-resident step-siblings as siblings and one of them doesn’t see the connection between the step-siblings and their uncle. The uncle is however related to them and it is already clear that they will feel ‘humiliated ‘ if their dad isn’t with them. The OP is in a lose lose situation and whatever happens the damage is done. Very sad.

Op did you manage to chat with your brother?

I went out with my brother. He was shocked about the situation but is adamant that he doesn’t want my wife’s children there. He admitted he liked them especially the older one but didn’t feel a connection enough to justify inviting them even if the wedding was bigger. His fiancée is actually going to ask my older child to be an attendant.
My wife was asking me this morning to not rock the boat as she has recovered from the initial shock.
I could not have anticipated that the thread would focus on my older children but it has scared me and I feel that I have to go for their sake which I have told my wife and she agrees. I am hoping that my wife will come but my brother pointed out that I had had two weddings paid for by other people- correct the first time and partially correct the second time- and he wanted her there only if she was happy. He said that it was his fiancee’s day.
I am poleaxed. I never thought such a thing could be divisive. I of course treat my stepchildren well but of course I love my own children more but this whole mess has just highlighted how others like my brother view family. My step-children have a good relationship with their father and will be in The States later in the year with him so they do have a good life but I do see that this is a snub. Thank you for your support.

You know your brother comes out of this sounding worse not better and you do certainly sound like you are similar.

I think that's harsh @incywincybitofa. The @ByScott has been put in a very difficult situation & he's trying to do the best by all involved.

I don't think his brother was right, but he is entitled to how he feels & the saying 'blood is thicker than water' is a common saying for a reason & that's where the brother has chosen to draw his lines. The Ops DCs also obviously don't see their step siblings as full siblings, otherwise they would be objecting, and that's ok too. They're entitled to feel how they feel & for their dad to accept (& even support them) in that. Sibling bonds come from many years of shared experiences, generally through living / holidaying / attending same schools / knowing each other's friends & having shared parents etc. These guys don't have that - again not wrong, just a fact. It doesn't invalidate the family or mean anyone has failed, it's just how things (very often) are with step families, despite how the parents feel or how they want it to be.

Good luck @ByScott, I hope it all works out well for you & your family & you're able to remain close to all involved.

Sorry for so much bold - don't know how that's happened as it wasn't deliberate

Once the wedding is out of the way I would distance myself from your brother and his family. You have your own family unit which you need to concentrate on and include your older kids more too.

It doesnt matter if you love your children more, its the way you treat children which is the problem. You arent treating them with equal standing this is particularly wrong as these children live with you.
You are letting someone divide your family up.
Same as some of the posters on here who are adament in making out your children have such a poor time because they dont live with you, only your wifes children have that exact same issue as they dont live with their dad.
I feel for your step children and your wife and I also feel for your youngest bio child you do realise that their siblings are their siblings they wont see all this blood business they will just see how Dad lets people divide their family up.
You get less and less supportive of your wife as this thread goes on, letting your brother talk how he does, she sounds worn down, the fact that you state she has always been the perfect wife at the start of this thread sounds like she has had to sacrifice alot along the way with her feelings as she is now with always putting up with everything that gets thrown her way.
You are completly blind to her feelings.

He admitted he liked them especially the older one but didn’t feel a connection enough to justify inviting them even if the wedding was bigger.

That's a horrible way to look at children in the family. If they're family, they're family and they get invited to a wedding whether you feel a strong connection or not.

Been watching this thread and I stand by my previous comment. Your brother has told you that his wedding is more important than your marriage. How can you bear to go and be his best man, knowing this?

Ugh the new update is horrible

I’ve been lurking. Your brother sounds horrendous. I’d be struggling to be civil to him, let alone be his best man, after what he’s said to you about the money for your weddings (irrelevant and none of his business!) and your step children.

I dont think your eldest comes out of this looking particularly good either and I’d be trying to get to the bottom of that and make way to fix it in whatever way possible. I wonder how far the blending of the families has gone to contribute to their attitude.

The thread has not focussed on your older children .. you are using this as an excuse to do what you always intended to do ... which is attending your brothers wedding!
I feel sad for all the children whom you are a supposed father to ... each day our society is weakened by people with less moral courage and principle. I commend your wife for being the better person her initial reaction was the right one and you should have spoken with your brother before she was aware of the invite to save her a bit less upset... your step kids are at ages where how they are viewed and treated can have a negative impact and I hope this does not ruin what up to now sounded like a happy home.. I wish them the best of luck

You were always going to upset someone, you would be the bad guys in someone’s eyes and it’s a really shitty situation you have been put in.

I’m shocked by your brother’s response as I really thought he would be mortified at the upset he’d unintentionally caused and so invite your wife and stepchildren - but clearly not.

I can see it’s a snub to your wife, claiming that her children aren’t important enough or ‘family enough’ to come to the wedding which is pretty hard to understand considering how long they have been in your life.

I can see both sides of the argument in terms of whether you should go or not, and like I said, you’re screwed whichever choice you make. Your brother has been incredibly unfair to put you in this position.

Ps ...show your brother this thread .... it may be the way you write that makes your bloodline family sound cold,self centred and self absorbed ...well the male side ... what do your parents think have you spoken quietly to them about it?
If you go with your first family and your wife stays at home with your second.... think about it ... I’m sure if this relationship remains it will only be because you have a child together and your wife is trying to do her best for all her children ... imagine this thread if she had also said she didn’t care about these children not attending... people would be shocked and think those kids need rehoming ... they have lived with you since they were toddlers.. ps I also do not like the sound of your brother or at least how you have painted him..

Your brother sounds awful, defending his treatment of your wife and children you have helped raise since they were quit small, and it's none of his business how your previous weddings were paid for. none. and irrelevant. Sounds like he doesn't want your wife there, either, even though he is the one that has been rude.

And you don't sound much better than he does in your latest post.

I of course treat my stepchildren well but of course I love my own children more but this whole mess has just highlighted how others like my brother view family.

It sounds like your views of family are actually quite similar to your brother's, frankly.

Good luck.

PrettyLovely sums it up for me: "It doesnt matter if you love your children more, its the way you treat children which is the problem. You arent treating them with equal standing this is particularly wrong as these children live with you."

I don't see your brother's point about you having had weddings paid for. He also said your stepchildren are not welcome so it's not about finances is it? If it were you could sort that out between you.

So are you still going to be his best man? I think I'd find it very difficult to play that part, stand up and talk about your brother, when he doesn't consider your stepchildren part of YOUR family. Not inviting stepchildren is a bit like not inviting a spouse. A spouse of 8 years' standing! And to take that on the chin and make a glowing speech about how fab the couple are... Ugh!

Is your brother also playing favourites between your children on which is asked to be an attendant? If say they are boy and girl and only the girl is being asked to be bridesmaid, weirdly I think that's ok as ushers are not so common as bridesmaids here. But if they are same gender and one's being picked to attend and the other isn't, that's very poor form by their uncle to pick between them like that.

It's understandable that you love your own DC more, OP, but you clearly openly favour your own DC more than your DSC (or 'steps' as you so lovingly put it earlier in the thread (not) ). It shouldn't be like that.

You should have stood up for your DSC more with your DB; it can't be the first time this has happened, it's just the first time your DW has protested. My DSis would have been rightly furious if we'd treated her DSS like that (and refused to go to the wedding!).

So are you still going to be his best man? I think I'd find it very difficult to play that part, stand up and talk about your brother, when he doesn't consider your stepchildren part of YOUR family.

Exactly - how can you stand up there and praise him and speak highly of him when he thinks so little of your family. I don’t think I could do it.

Thinking about it, I think your DB sounds like he's been jealous of you all these years. 'Two weddings that other people paid for' who the hell says something like that??? Whereas he's only just now getting married for the first time.

Your brother and Children are your real family. Your wife and step children may be your family today but that could change tomorrow. "Blood is thicker than water". I don't see anything wrong with your brother's stance and it's certainly not worth distancing yourself from him for. His feeling towards your step kids are very much valid just as your feelings too are valid. No one is in the wrong here. #justmyopinion.

Jeez, what a mess.

Your brother really does sound like a prick of the highest order.

He is brazen enough to tell you to your face how little he thinks of your step children.

He has created this mess. Hope you and your wife can navigate your way through it without lasting damage.