Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
Ferret27 · 02/01/2019 21:44

Ps .. good luck ... I hope you do the right thing for all your family

DoDoo · 02/01/2019 21:48

You have raised children who do not count the children who they have lived with most of the time for the last 8 years as siblings

They don't live with them most of the time, they live with their mother and see OPs SC every other weekend (providing OPs SC are actually there and not on their EOW contact with their father).

Putting this on OPs older children who see their step siblings twice a month, if that, is very unfair.

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2019 22:11

Some of you are refusing to accept that you've misunderstood the OP. His older DC only stay with him and his DW EOW. It's hardly surprising that they don't have a close bond with their step siblings.

Rogueone · 02/01/2019 22:25

Lizzie48 I know its really frustrating when people dont RTFT. As I too thought they all lived together until the recent update where it is made clear that OP DC live with there DM and not him.

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2019 22:28

Yes I thought so, too, because other posters had said that. But since then the OP has spelt it out that the older DC are only with him EOW.

SpaceDinosaur · 02/01/2019 22:30

Nope.

He's literally snubbing your wife, saying your step children aren't "real family"

He's an arse.

Stick with your wife and children and you will all be a stronger unit for it. Your step children will see how much you value them.

RoodleNoodle · 02/01/2019 22:31

Can only put this from a child's perspective. My dad was my step dad tho I never saw him as anything other than my dad. He raised me from 3yo. My mum had 2 more DC after me with my dad. As far as I was concerned they are my siblings and not my half siblings. My dad's family accepted my siblings but never really accepted me. This lead to a lot of arguments when invites for 4 arrived. Family parties etc. My tried to explain how he felt about me to his family and how hurt he was by it but it didn't change. He was NC with his parents and sis for 20+ years until he died. In his eyes, his family didn't accept his decision to love me.

Stand by DW and all your DCs.Flowers

Catsinthecupboard · 02/01/2019 22:46

Ask your steps if they want to go. My dc wouldn't want to go at that age.

pretentiousrubberduck · 02/01/2019 22:56

I'm just going to point out that if OP has his kids EOW, if he has much contact with his brother then his brother most likely spends more time with the step kids (and the youngest biological niece) than his older biological niece/nephew. I don't know how much contact there is with OP's family, I just thought that put an interesting spin on things.

Theluckynumberthree · 02/01/2019 23:01

Hi Scott!
I’ve only skimmed through the replies and seen you’ve had quite a range.
I’m an adult from step family- I count my step siblings as I do my own sister.
My sister has recently got married and not invited my step brother and sister. This caused allot of grief and resulted in neither them, myself, my mum or step father attending. In fact, the latter 3 ( myself included) were uninvited for raising our disagreement about this.
Please don’t separate your children from step children - they are all your children by choice. You chose your step children when you married your Wife. You need to explain to your brother that all the children are your children and your love and responsibility. Aunties etc are all adults and extended family.
Good luck

MummyofTw0 · 02/01/2019 23:05

This is such a sad awkward situation

I feel for your wife who is deeply upset and I feel for you as you’re caught in the middle

Wishing you luck xxx

EWAB · 02/01/2019 23:08

**MadMadaMim totally rocked it - whatever you do you are screwed.
However, if you don’t go your step-kids will know how much you value them But your own kids will know how little you value them. So damage limitation, your step-kids have their own dad and will survive not going to a step-uncle’s wedding. You are your kids’ dad and it will be damaging to them if you put the step kids that you see every day first and don’t go to a family wedding with them. A wedding has caused all this fuss because weddings are important. Your own kids will never forgive you. Your wife is an adult.
Genuinely totally get where your wife is coming from but now she has seen the shit you’re in she has said go...so go.
Will the step-kids care? If they do you just have to intellectualise it using their other family as a reference point. I wonder if the wedding is on their dad’s access weekend. I think that might be handy.
Put your kids first on this one I imagine it has been difficult seeing their dad EOW but with other kids all the time. And take the six year old so they can spend time with their other half-siblings that they don’t see so much of- it will be bonding.

browneyes77 · 02/01/2019 23:36

I think you’ve had some unreasonably harsh responses here. Telling you that you’ve failed as a parent is incredibly rude and unfair.

Whilst I totally understand your wife’s upset, I do think it was very unfair of her to tell you not to go to your brothers wedding and be his best man.

I think your brother didn’t really think this through when he did the invitations in terms of the chaos it could cause for you and whilst I can understand him thinking that your step children aren’t actually his blood family and that inviting them over his own Aunty wouldn’t be fair, I also think he could have talked to you about the situation/his reasoning before the invites went out, because it’s quite obvious he’s putting you in a very difficult situation. Even if he doesn’t see your SC as his family, they are your family by marriage and to exclude them is hurtful.

I think now your wife has seen the grief it’s causing you and has told you to go, then I think you should go with your children. You can explain to your brother when you see him that although you will be there, your wife won’t be because she’s incredibly hurt and why. I think it’s important you make your brother aware of the negative impact on you and your family his decision has caused you, but without falling out because he is still your brother.

I hope this all works out ok for you. You’ve been put in an incredibly difficult position - one where whatever you decide there’s going to be someone who’s left unhappy.

Rogueone · 02/01/2019 23:38

Interestingly I was/am part of a step family....hadn't really thought about it until this thread. My stepdad was a wonderful man and his family were nice. However I have realised now that I am older that I was never invited to his extended family events once I had left home (17). My half sister his only DC clearly did and it didn't cross my mind and truly doesn't bother me. I never viewed my step dads family as my own and always felt awkward despite my step dad being a wonderful man. My half sister who I have always viewed as my sister, we lived together and that does make a difference. However she didn't know my dad, never visited my dad and his side of the family...and why would she? There isn't enough info on this thread to know if the OP brother is being unreasonable. I know its hard seeing your dad take on another family ...I never forgave mine for doing it, he prioritized his new family over us....the dynamics are never straightforward!

alistairric2 · 03/01/2019 01:38

I agree with your wife. I have step grandchildren and would not dream of treating them any different that the blood related ones. Nor would I tolerate anyone else doing so.

Hector2000 · 03/01/2019 13:59

Context is all. My wedding was smallish (60 guests) and at the time we didn’t have kids. My husband’s niece and nephew were 3 and 2 months, friends’ kids ranged between baby and 5/6 years old. I asked for no kids beyond babes in arms. Many of our friends had no kids. We didn’t have the budget to cater for kids entertainment, and we wanted an adult wedding reception. I think it probably caused a lot of upset behind the scenes, and now I have children myself I can see the other side of it and would feel upset if my children were not invited. But receptions are very expensive, and not all kids well-behaved. I guess I’m trying to say your brother’s decision may be entirely innocent, not based on disliking your step-kids. I think he should invite them, but equally it is his (and his brides) day so to start a feud, as your wife seems to want to do, is a very harsh reaction. Weddings, christenings and funerals all cause trouble, try to be generous and attend. Sorry - overly long ramble!!

Pashal2 · 03/01/2019 17:23

Weddings are rather expensive especially the reception. Is it possible that children and 2nd tier relatives like aunt's cousins etc would be too expensive to include in the budget. Nothing personal just immediate family members from both sides. Sounds more like a a money issue than the brother slighting his sister in laws kids.

Pashal2 · 03/01/2019 17:38

So,are you saying that an adult blood relative like an aunt is less important or has less relevance at a wedding than a 13yo and 15 yo step children that could be bored senseless at a wedding for a distant step uncle? It just sounds like posturing on the part of the wife and using the brother in laws wedding to do so. Everyone in the family should accept the kids but everyone doesn't have to love or she'll out money for them at their wedding. Especially when the step kids could care less about a wedding at 13 an 15 yo. Has anyone even asked them if they WANT to go?

FuckingYuleLog · 03/01/2019 17:40

Not a lot of point in asking if they want to go when they can’t because they’re not invited.

Mummblebee · 04/01/2019 03:41

Hmm. I would say don't go at all to be honest. Your brother does not respect your family unit. You could of course go on your own without any kids and that would affirm that they are all equal, however your wife should be your priority. I don't think she would be comfortable attending, now given the situation and would probably feel like somewhat of an outsider as her children are clearly not viewed as part of the family.

I wouldn't worry about offending or upsetting your brother, because in all honesty, he has put you in this difficult position.

Perhaps if you decline the invitation early enough and explain why, your brother may reconsider his stance and change his mind.

I'm sure as best man you will go above and beyond for your brother so he really should be flexible in my opinion as this means so much to you as a family unit.

A wedding is just one day, but your decision will affect your family for years to come as your brother skips merrily along with his own life and new family, and probably with no understanding or appreciation of the sacrifices you would have made to be at his wedding. Your loyalty is with your family, let your wife/kids know that and they will love and respect you for making that decision. Good luck op.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/01/2019 08:33

You are a whole family.
You come as a package - all together.
If your brother can't see that then fuck him.
Good luck tonight.

EWAB · 04/01/2019 09:23

I am really interested in posters who would be willing to say to the OP’s children “No you shouldn’t go to a family member’s wedding because he hasn’t invited people who aren’t related to him and who have relations of their own. Oh and you’re completely wrong to want your dad with you on the day he should stay at home with the people he lives with day in and day out.”
The OP says all of the kids get on ... well if he doesn’t go with his kids they sure as hell won’t after. His kids will absolutely resent their step-mother and their step-siblings.

EdtheBear · 04/01/2019 10:11

You need to make sure your DB understands the upset and rifts he has caused, over 2 teenagers.

I can actually understand not inviting Aunties, Uncles and cousins esp as that can increase numbers significantly esp if he doesn't see these relations.

I do wonder if they also caused the same upset on the brides side.

FuckingYuleLog · 04/01/2019 14:15

And I suppose the kids would all get on great after the op said to his step children that they need to be babysat while their younger sibling that they live with, 2 who don’t and their own mother go to a family wedding that they’re not invited to because they’re not close enough family? Yeah family relations would be great after that I’m sure!

flowery · 04/01/2019 15:24

"I am really interested in posters who would be willing to say to the OP’s children “No you shouldn’t go to a family member’s wedding because he hasn’t invited people who aren’t related to him and who have relations of their own. Oh and you’re completely wrong to want your dad with you on the day he should stay at home with the people he lives with day in and day out.”"

I wouldn't say either of those things. I would say "We are a family unit and your uncle is wrong to exclude your siblings purely because they are not technically blood-related, and I hope you agree that standing together as a family unit is important."

I have two step-brothers and I would absolutely not attend a family wedding where they were not invited purely because they are not technically blood-related to whoever is getting married.

Swipe left for the next trending thread