Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

[ByScott]

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

Just some thngs I am not sure about. Do your wife's family treat your two older children, who are not hers biologically, as their family? How well do all your children know your brother?Are there other family occasions that ever happen without your step-children? This might influence what I think.

At the minute, I think on Friday you should have a straight but not difficult conversation with your brother.
Just explain your situation- these are children you live with, they are your family, and, much as you understand the difficulties of wedding guest lists (eg your aunt), you feel you can't attend without your family being invited. Just say it sends a message to all the children that isn't the same as the one you always give them- that this is their family now, no one is 'more' family than anyone else. Say you have tried really hard to think of ways to make it work but can't and although you are heartbroken to not be able to be his best man you can't go. However, you wish him every happiness, will be thinking of them on the day and hoping it goes famtastically well and hope he understands.

He will either then ask them or not. You should then talk to all the kids with your wife about what is happening and explain, either way, without being critical of anyone. If you want my opinion it is all or none go, including you. Your older children will be even more upset if you go without them and will blame your step-children (no hope of keeping it a secret now). You need to protect the relationship of your wife and step children with your own children by taking the responsiblity for the decision.

Whatever, this couple are not inviting every family member to their wedding and seem to have drawn the line at parents, siblings and biological nephews and nieces.That is their decision. You have to make the right decision for your family.

I don't think you should have spoken to your ex-wife about it before it was resolved as you have now opened it up as a subject and your two older children are now aware of the difficulty.

WhiteCat1704 because I'm guessing they are a teenager who is thinking of themselves as a lot of them do. OP can take the opportunity to explain to them exactly why he feels unable to go without also making them feel guilty for still wanting to.

I think your wife has done the right thing but you need to reiterate that you are a unit going forwards to your family.

I understand your wife completely, I live in a complicated family relationship situation, the children that live in your house are your family, all of them, your bother is young and I am thinking is, as of yet without children, otherwise he would be more grown up and understand how vital your family unit is, you must tell him that you cannot attend without all of your children, explain to him how it would feel for the excluded children during the excitement of everyone else in their family getting dressed up to attend the wedding of a close family member and they are not going, a reminder that he is the children’s step uncle would be useful, that roll in youngsters lives brings a level of responsibility.

If I were your wife I’d suggest you go alone and the rest of the family don’t attend. I wouldn’t want you to miss your brothers wedding but I wouldn’t be attending if he’s going to be so rude.

The wife should not, under an circumstance, interfere in the older children’s attendance.

If my step mother told me I couldn’t go to my uncle’s wedding I would tell her to get stuffed!

OP @ByScott

Bad decision to come on here. The overwhelming majority of posters here tend to view that if you, a man, has married, then “your wife and your kids are your family; you do everything for them; no-one else matters” – and that’s not just in minor things but in everything.

If you are a poster who adheres to that view then your view will be obvious: you should not go to your brother’s wedding because your brother will not invite your step-kids. You should boycott it and you should proclaim your rage to all your family and friends; indeed, you should pretty much ruin your brother’s wedding.

Back in the real world one of two things has happened:

(1) The venue is so small that, on a careful calculation, aunts and cousins cannot come and brother’s step-children cannot come either if you’re all to fit;
(2) The venue is large but he has chosen to exclude brother’s step-children.

Do ask him which of these it is. If number 1, there’s good reason: he is restricting it to close family; if number 2, there may be reason; ask him what that is.

You all live together as a family, so why is your brother trying to split your family up??

Besides which, if the step children can't go, then neither can your wife, as I presume she'd have to stay home to look after them.

If all children as a whole, were banned from the wedding, then that's a different thing, but to say you can only take half your children, the ones which happen to be blood related, is just downright frigging nasty.

I'm with your wife on this one, and if I were you, I'd be saying to your brother, "if you want me at your wedding, then you have to have ALL my family there."

Imagine for a second that the uncle only invited the children who live with the op and left out the elder 2. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want their dad going without them. They are almost adults so should be able to see it from the perspective of their step siblings.

wow. this is a horrible situation.

the sad truth is that whatever reaction you would have had and whatever decision you make - one or more people are not going to be happy. another truth - your DB is an extremely selfish, thoughtless person who, even after you highlighted the issue this could cause, he made no attempt at remedy. I don't think he likes your 'new' wife. He has zero respect for your 'new' family.

there is no 'right or wrong' - in the way people are feeling or how they should feel and how you should react.

everyone's reactions are understandable and valid.

If I were:

your wife I'd interpret the invitations as a very clear (passive aggressive) message - your children don't belong in our family and are not seen as part of our family. I'd also think that they were inviting me, as your wife, only because they have to.

your DSC - I'd probably never really recover from the blatant message that, even though my step dad has been the most constant (as in daily upbringing - no comment on bio father here) father figure of my life and, notably, since an age that that's all I know as family (one of them was only 3!) - I've never been seen or accepted as my DSF's child by his family. I'd be extremely self conscious and feel vulnerable and exposed every time I had to see or interact with this family who do not see me as family. This would potentially cause issues for my family unit - especially my DSF

your (biological) children from your 1st marriage - I'd probably feel and react exactly as they have. You left us for a new woman. You chose to live with her rather than with us. You became a father to children you aren't even related to rather than stay with us. Those unrelated children see you every day, you live your life with them, you do things with them that you've never done with us. I was practically a baby when you left me. And now you're not coming to our uncle's wedding because he didn't invite the children you prefer to be with who you aren't even related to???!!! So you're still putting those unrelated children first - before me - your actual child. I may never recover from this. I think I hate you. And I firmly believe that you probably don't love me and if you do, it's only because you have to because you're my dad.

your ex-wife - I'd think wtf are you doing! why are you making your children feel less important than they already do. How dare you hurt them this way.

good luck mate.

FWIW, if I were put in that postion, I would have immediately called my brother. I would have explained that not inviting my DSC is not an option. I would have said that even though my having two families is not anything to do with him, it is a reality and his not inviting the DSC will have a massive negative effect on the whole family - including the actual DB. I'd explain that he doesn't even have to like them or accept them - you can't make him, it's his choice - however that's irrelevant as they must be invited so as not to cause unnecessary potentially irreperable damage to an already complicated family set up.

your DB has put you in a situation that has no positive outcome - very unfair. as I said, good luck.

Once the wedding, honeymoon and a few weeks have passed, you should sit your brother down and explain to him what his thoughtlessness has caused. It may also be a good idea to let the whole family know that your wife and her children are your family that you live with on a day to day basis and should be regarded that way.

I’ve not rtft from the start... but does the brother even have a relationship with the step kids? If his biological niece and nephew live with their mother, how much time has he ever spent with all the children together. DH’s sister is getting married in a few months, she hasn’t invited the other sisters step kids. She doesn’t really know them. Just because they are with the OP most of the time doesn’t mean the brother has a relationship with them.

I find it interesting people keep assuming OP's children live with him. He has said that they live with their mum.

@Consolidateyourloins no, in the OP it states the children have lived with him for 8 years. They stay with their mum every other weekend. So for 8 years all 5 children have lived together as a family with OP and his wife.

It says the step children have lived with him for 8yrs. Can’t see where it says his eldest children are only with their mum at weekends???

No, there's been a misunderstanding there. In one of the OP's posts he says that his older DC stay with them EOW.

Very shitty situation.

Is it an option you can offer to pay for your step children to come?

Weddings cost an arm and leg so your brother may see it as he can't afford to pay for children that aren't biologically his nieces or nephews.

@ByScott I'm really sorry you're going through this. Nothing about this is easy, for anyone involved, and you're stuck in the middle. Whatever you decide to do will be the wrong choice for someone in this whole mess.

Unfortunately, MN isn't usually a sensible place to come for advice. It seems to have a larger-than-average number of people who are perfect in every way, and forget they are speaking to real people.

I feel as though your brother may have somewhat missed the mark in trying to "do the right thing" on a budget (just a guess). For instance, I could understand why your mother's sister would feel slighted if she wasn't invited to a wedding, but her nephew's second wife's children made it on the list. Similarly, I completely understand where your wife is coming from. She married into your family, and to her, she must have hoped that her children would be treated as such - by splitting the family apart like this, your brother has inadvertently put more worth on some kids than the others. Which hurts.

Good luck when you speak to your brother. Please keep in mind that this poor judgement from him may have been nothing more than his attempt to try to keep as many people happy as possible (admittedly, he failed a bit here!). Explain to him how you feel, in the same manner you explained it to us. All the best to you, I hope it all works out.

I feel for you, you are stuck right in the middle. I've not read all of the replies but putting aside the rights and wrongs of the situation if it is down to affordability are you in the position to pay for the step children to attend?
This should not need to be a consideration but Im all for keeping the peace. I hope you manage to come to a solution that pleases everyone x

Then step-kids live at home with him and his wife, and his biological children live with their mother.

That’s how I have interpreted the situation anyhow and so they don’t actually all live together as a “family unit”.

Isn't this about feelings - your wife and dcs hurt feelings v the feelings of your db?

I think you should make it very clear your wife and family'are hurt by the lack of invites for step dcs and that you are a complete family. He may not realise there is hurt involved. Ask him to therefore please invite you all. The ball is then in his court - you would love to attend if your family is invited together. As best man I think that isn't too big an ask.

Good luck!

My older kids live with their mother not me.

This is in the OP's last update. They haven't lived with their dad the whole time.

I like MadMadaMim’s post.

Originally I thought the “family unit” should be invited as a unit. And yes, I’d cry if I was your wife realising I wasn’t thought of like that.
But, after your conversation with your oldest child, where it comes across that they can’t see a problem, I thought, well if they weren’t raised to see a family unit (more likely they’re slightly bitter that someone else has their dad full time) then how on earth can your brother see what the family unit is.

And your own DC’s with exW, I think telling the ex they can go without you wasn’t great, they needed to see your point of view and be given the option.

Hope you get a good outcome, and if your DB does invite you all, accept!! it’s not that he was purposely trying to exclude them, he’s probably being pulled all over the place making good or bad decisions on the invites and other stuff, and remember if your own children couldn’t see the issue, don’t take it out on DB. Just explain your Point of view.

DeRigueurMortis
Hear hear!

Wow after the response from your oldest about not understanding why your Dw (their step mum) was upset I can see they have inherited your detached nature.
Even if they aren't close surely anyone could understand why your wife is upset.

I agree with the poster who says you have failed as a parent. You have raised children who do not count the children who they have lived with most of the time for the last 8 years as siblings. How very sad and I feel sorry for the step kids for more than this wedding issue as there would have been other things along the way that your wife has let slide but as she hasn't verbalised it before you haven't noticed.
Tbh still can't believe you said you were shocked at her stance.

You can still turn this around ... you haven’t spoken to your brother so it is possible he could see the difficult situation you are in, just pick your words wisely ... don’t guilt trip any one ... just explain that you feel torn about accepting if all your children cannot attend ....
Ps all those that mention his mothers sister not going .... maybe they are distant and he sees her once every decade .... I have lots of blood relatives that are not in my life and my parents see rarely so therefore I would not need to invite them to my wedding ... adults always need to limit damage to children and be able to explain their actions ... when you come back from the wedding will you feel comfortable talking about the day you just spent out with their mother ... your asking a lot of maturity from them yet can’t display enough in your decision making ...