Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

[ByScott]

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

I think you may ultimately lose your wife over this. Been there and got the t-shirt. I was the wife at one stage. Voiced my hurt and upset to no avail. The resentment and hurt builds. It broke my relationship up.

”Then they are told that dad doesn’t even want to spend one day/night without the other children to be with them”

Can’t see that anywhere? There is no indication at all that the OP would avoid seeing his biological children if it means spending time without his step children.

This is about the extended family excluding children who don’t happen to be technically biologically related to the OP but whom he has been raising, living with and clearly sees as family.

There’s nothing at all in any of the OP’s posts to suggest he prioritises his step children over his biological children or any of that stuff. He’s standing up for his family unit. He sees his step children as family, even if his biological children don’t.

If it were me I think I'd go on my own, no kids at all. Your brother is being colossally insensitive, so the ideal would be that he invites everyone, even tho the damage is done. What a horrible situation to be put in.

If they live with you they are your immediate family. I can see where your wife is coming from. Be straight with your Brother and say you all need to be invited it it will cause a huge problem between you are your Wife. Or maybe you should just go on your own.

Thats really sad that your brother doesn't view them the same as your own children.
I'm sorry but I'm with your wife on this one, its got to be all of you or no kids full stop, not pick and choose which ones can and can't attend.
Its a real tricky predicament for you, do you have any family members that can talk to you brother to make him see your point of view?

Your wife is absolutely right to be offended. I would explain to your brother it's all your family or nothing. His choice!

My DH was a widower when I met him with twin 3 years olds. I had a 9 year old daughterDD at the time. The twins see their mum's family. We are now married. At no point has my DD been excluded from anything to do with her step siblings family invites. She's been included to wedding and Christening invites. I also have a friend who is in a relationship with someone with children. I only know her son. But when I married we included her partners' children on the invite too. I have been that step child thats been excluded, made not to feel part of the family. Its horrendous and will ruin any relationship you have built with them. It's hard work being a step parent but you never ever treat children in a blended family differently! Bang out of order and you are out of order not to grow a backbone and stick up for your family! All your family! Bio or not!

You’re a married man therefore your priority has to be your wife. Your brother clearly doesn’t see the stepchildren as family, but they’re your family almost as if you’d adopted them. That would be so mean to leave them out - they live with you! No need to fall out, just explain that you can’t be expected to bring some children and leave the others at home on the day. Where would they go for a start! Your brother is being unreasonable and your wife is right

Your wife is so kind and lovely to tell you to go. She is going to feel resentment towards your brother in terms of future meet ups, birthdays & Christmas. I would not be suprised if there becomes a rift.

If I were your wife I would be incredibly hurt if I were her! You have been together 8yrs/10yrs +? Married stable family unit etc. If I were in her position there is absolutely no way I would attend without my children - they're either family or they aren't, end of. Your brother clearly doesn't see them as family or as important as boys family so I think my initial reaction would be to ask you not to go and then after getting over the initial shock and hurt at such a rejection I'd tell you to go but refuse myself unless my children were treated equally!
I would be equally hurt and upset if I had to actually ask my husband to stick up for us as an equal family - something you seemed to have dragged your heels on.

I have no doubt at all that at the nice drinks with your brother after work you both commiserate with each other on how you are the poor innocent victims in all of this

After some years of poor behaviour towards me from my DH's DB I reached breaking point over how he treat my eldest child (raised by DH since v. young age).
I refused to go to his wedding and refused to let any of my children (all the same treatment IMO). DH went with my blessing though wasn't best man as originally planned.
Fast forward 2 years and things have gotten worse. Eldest child has been treated appallingly again and again by BIL to the point DH has gone NC with his brother.

DH hates confrontation and probably would have put up with things longer had I not made the original stand with the wedding.

Agree that it will have a significant impact on your relationship with your DN36 if you don't go.....however will have a significant impact on your relationship with wife and SC if you do. It becomes a question of who you value most in your life.

Your wife might be telling you to go but I doubt its what she really thinks. I would be honest with your brother and tell him about the hurt he has unwittingly caused.

Totally unfair to call OPs older children for still wanting to go. They don't live with OP or his SC, they live with their mother as OP has clarified. For all we know they may only see OPs SC every other weekend or even less for the older ones. We have no idea what their relationship is like or whether they even consider each other siblings.

It's their uncle's wedding and they want to go as they clearly have a good relationship with him from what OP has said. Conflicts between the adults shouldn't be passed on to the children.

Weddings are nothing but trouble if you ask me.

There's been a huge rift in dh's family (amongst siblings, not us) and it really has turned unpleasant for everyone. We are piggy-in-the-middle and it has been really hard work making sure that we didn't take one 'side' or the other. Despite that, it seems that their relationships with us have cooled considerably and it's really frustrating, especially since the rift was nothing to do with us in the first place. The damage has been done, and I'm sure that this divide will continue in decades to come.

I won't turn down an invite to my brother's wedding just because my step kids ain't invited. They are your step kids. You might love them as your own, but that doesn't mean mean you should force others to accept them. Your feeling towards them is valid, but you can't change how others feel about them and that's just how it is.

Weddings cam cause such dilemmas, but 8 years is a long time, I'm assuming you play a pivitol role in their lives? Do your family see them as frequently as yourkids? If so they should be invited. Inviting only half the family as it wereis outrageous.

OP I have been in a similar situation.

I was your wife. I ended up saying exactly the same thing as her because of the grief my DH was getting from his DS and previous DSS (who's wedding it was).

Initially I was invited but then uninvited with the excuse that they were keeping costs down and not inviting partners. This was of course a total lie, DH found out that a friend and his wife (the wife had never met his DSS) were invited. The most likely explanation was that DH's XW had put a stop to it.

After much discussion, DH in torment and talking to the friend, DH decides to tell DSS that he wasn't going to attend alone, we were a couple. DH was relieved. Next phase, DH being ranted at, balled out, called all names under sun by his DS and bride to be.

Witnessing DH's distress I just said go.

I was, and frankly still am, upset that DH didn't just say, when DSS rang with his poor excuse, "oh right thanks but in that case I won't be able to come. "

As some posters have said, you fucked this up with your initial reaction. Your DW is just thinking about you - pity you (and my DH) didn't do same.

I realise this is no help whatsoever.

Power to her, your wife is a much better person than you are, OP.

In your OP, it sounded like you were invited as a family, minus two children who have spent most of their lives growing up with you as an adult in their lives. And she was right to be offended on their behalf and sad about their second class status in your family, and she was within her rights to ask you not to attend if you all weren't invited.

The ringer info now appears to be that your older two children don't actually live with you most of the time. And your ex is a shit stirrer. Your wife has been very strong to say fine, go with your older two then.

I hope you know how this must have all made her feel, though. You'll be very lucky indeed if your marriage to this perfect person as you call her, someone who has never asked your for anything, stays intact and strong. She may not view your family in quite the same way any more, though, or you. Good luck.

Why would you tell your older children to go without you? The point that you seem to missing is that you are an entire family unit. You're reinforcing this view of separation by sending older children alone.

You've now created further upset for your 17 year old.

You are a family, your step children are your youngest child's siblings.

My DH's family would never even think about not inviting my DS (who is not my DH's child) to anything. We're a family. My DH would refuse in an instant.

I don’t think the op can tell a 17yr old child who doesn’t live with him that they can’t go.

lemonsorbetinthesun sorry but no, how do you know OPs older children even see their step siblings as family. They might not even see them regularly considering they don't live with OP.

They are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go to their uncle's wedding and it isn't wrong of them to go either. We can't comment on their relationship or feelings towards their step siblings at all.

@DoDoo I didn't comment on the children's relationship with each other.
Or make any assumptions about their relationship or potential lack of with each other...

They are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go to their uncle's wedding and it isn't wrong of them to go either

But why is the 17 year old trying to guilt trip/force her father into going and leaving rest of the family behind?

Why would you tell your older children to go without you?

It isn't up to OP to tell older children whether or not they can go.

The point that you seem to missing is that you are an entire family unit. You're reinforcing this view of separation by sending older children alone

Perhaps OPs older children don't see it that way and therefore don't really care that OPs SC haven't been invited. Why should OP stop his older children going, it's nothing to do with them and they want to go.

No OP shouldn't go, but he also shouldn't tell his older children that they can't.