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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 22:40

Own, not ie.

PrettyLovely1 · 01/01/2019 22:43

"My ex is now texting saying my eldest is now sobbing as I am not going with them and they feel humiliated."

Why would they feel humiliated? They werent the ones left out.
I feel really sorry for your wife you should have told your brother and got it over amd done with, instead you have told your kids and said nothing to your brother.
You really need to step up here properly. It sounds like a half arsed attempt to make it look like to your wife you are doing something. You're not, you should explain to your ex they have nothimg to be humiliated for, they got an invite!
This is ridiculous!

QueenofmyPrinces · 01/01/2019 22:44

You have my complete sympathy OP as you’ve been put in a really shit situation and you’re going to be the bad guy whatever you do. You either upset/piss off your brother and biological children, or you upset/piss off your wife and stepchildren.

You’re probably feeling very angry, stressed, annoyed, confused etc but remember that you haven’t done anything wrong and that it was your brother who put you in this position and it was very, very unfair of him to do so.

ThePeachPit · 01/01/2019 22:44

Same applies to any family members @TheBigBangRocks including full siblings. We don’t choose our family and all that, I know siblings who don’t speak. Still don’t think inviting some children and not others is acceptable though and I’m shocked that a 17 and 15 year old can’t understand that.

How often do you see your own children Op? If your step children only see their dad eow they spend more time with you and also a lot of time with your dc with your wife.

I think unfortunately your brothers invite may be a reflection of your relationship with your step children in general. The fact you don’t seem bothered by it other than because your wife’s upset is baffling to me. My dp hasn’t been in dds life anywhere near 8 years and he’d be furious at her being left out. He’s made it perfectly clear to his family that he expects my dd to be treated the same as our dc together.

incywincybitofa · 01/01/2019 22:45

Gosh your ex wife sounds helpful not.
Did you by any chance show your wife this thread. If imagine it's quite gwrd reading for both of you
Not a great start to 2019 but I hope it has strengthened your marriage

notangelinajolie · 01/01/2019 22:50

You have made the right decision so well done on that. But I feel that you still don't get why you shouldn't go.

elasticfantastic · 01/01/2019 22:54

Your 17yr old should be told that they are old enough to choose, if they'd feel humiliated to go without you, they have the option of choosing not to go.

If this was your wife's sisters wedding and your children weren't invited, I'm sure you'd be upset, and your children would also be upset.

I'd show your brother this thread as he is currently oblivious that his selfishness has torn your family to bits.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 01/01/2019 23:05

You've f'ed up and you have no one to blame but yourself, frankly.

Your teenagers can choose to go to their uncle's wedding. Sure.

But those teenagers were raised with your wife's children, who you presumably started dating when they were what, 2 and 4? 3 and 5? 4 and 6? Because you've been married since they were 5 and 7 ... so you've been a family a long, long time. And added another child to your blended family, a child who is now 6.

They are your family, your blended family, a unit. And you are acting stunned that you are expected to treat them as such.

Your brother was rude.

Your wife was rightfully offended, as you should have been, and your step children were treated very poorly by your brother.

And you took an awfully long time to come to the right conclusion, and you're still outraged that people are upset with you by the sounds of it.

All on you.

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 23:24

Okay, so brother should have invited teens. He is being a bit insensitive- his reasoning was he doesn’t know them very well and numbers are limited.

But your wife is deeply offended. She views this as a rejection of her children. I think she is being a bit over sensitive and the sobbing is too much. I think your older child sobbing is also too much. Like it or not not everyone views step family members exactly the same as biological/ adopted children. But they should have Ben invited. It was clumsy and insensitive.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong, but I think of could have all dealt with his situation better - it didn’t warrant the high drama.

Gth1234 · 01/01/2019 23:26

I've already said this briefly, but I just can't imagine that "family" nephews/nieces would happily go to an uncles/aunt's wedding without their parent and step parent. I can't imagine they would want to, and I can't imagine you would let them. I assume they are still living with you. If they are adults it makes it different.

so therefore @op, I just can't understand why you are surprised at your wife's stance. If you were shocked that your brother didn't invite them, then how can you also be shocked that your wife doesn't think it right.

IMHO

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/01/2019 23:28

Your wife is quite right; your brother has really got this wrong. All the children are dependents of you and your wife. I would explain to your brother that none of them will be going .you then have to decide whether you will go or even you and your wife although I fully understand that she might not want to go and will feel somewhat undermined by you going without her.

flowery · 01/01/2019 23:32

”"My ex is now texting saying my eldest is now sobbing as I am not going with them and they feel humiliated."”

How odd. They should feel proud that you are standing up for their (step) siblings and for your family unit. That’s not something to feel humiliated about.

Lose2StoneObviously · 01/01/2019 23:32

Your wife sounds like a controlling prima donna! Do you insist your kids go to the Skids access visits or to your Skids family gatherings? No.So why the heck is it such an issue for your kids to go to THEIR uncles wedding.
Why should he invite kids which are no relation to him, when he hasn't got space for his mothers sister? Could you imagine how id auntie would feel if non-related kids were there?
Honestly I would not let this women alienater you from your extended family.If she loved youy she wouldn't make you choose. Your brother was on the scene long before her, and probably will be loing after

SovietKitsch · 01/01/2019 23:39

You’ve ballsed up ByScott because by telling your oldest DC to go alone without you, you’ve excluded them from your family unit with your wife, your SDC and the youngest DC. And presumably they live with their mum and spend EOW with you - so they may already feel resentful of the SDC.

I agree your wife was in the right, because your SDC should never have been excluded, but you should have rejected the invite for all of you on the basis it’s all of us or none of us.

Doobee · 01/01/2019 23:51

Crikey. All this crying and drama over a wedding 😕 no wonder people just elope to Vegas! Just decline the invitation for all of you. None of you go. Then older kids aren’t humiliated, step kids aren’t left out and you support your poor wife who is obviously having some sort of trauma breakdown over the whole thing! Say no and move on with your lives!!

EWAB · 02/01/2019 00:33

I think his kids want to go to their uncle’s wedding with their dad. They feel ‘humiliated ‘ because they think their father is somehow ‘siding’ with their step-siblings who aren’t related to their uncle. As an aside where do people get the idea that teenagers don’t like family weddings? It would have been outrageous had the OP declined a family wedding for the actual family of the groom. If I were his first wife or one of the older kids I would be devastated.

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2019 00:35

People with blended families do get very touchy about this. My DSis has always been very quick to jump on me if she thinks we're not treating her DSS in the same way as her own DC. I do get where she's coming from, but it's possible to overdo it.

As an example, when my DNiece was born, it was an emotional time for our family, as my DSis has pre-Enclampsia and we nearly lost both her and DNiece (born at 32 weeks). I therefore bought a special Christmas card for a special niece. But I got into trouble because I hadn't born a similar card for her DSS. I apologised, of course, but it wasn't as if he particularly looked upon us as his uncle and auntie anyway. I understand why it's a sensitive point for her, as she spent a lot of years as his primary carer, and she is treated like a grandparent to his 2 DC now, but I do think she's pushed too hard to force him to see us as family.

I get why there's such different views on this. But the OP's DB should have realised that he would cause a lot of upset by not inviting his brother's DSS to the wedding. He surely should have seen the drama coming!

BumbleBeee69 · 02/01/2019 01:43

All This upset because OP didn’t have the balls to stand up and say something.

TheSerenDipitY · 02/01/2019 02:37

they are al sobbing because you made this in to a long drawn out drama, when you got the invite and then questioned your brother over the lack of invite to the step kids, you should have said right then and there "oh, ok bro, well in that case ill have to rsvp no as i wont be attending a function where half my family isnt welcome, sorry, have a great wedding, bye" and that would have been it, now its been drawn out into a major thing and everyone is now disappointed in you... one for taking so long to tell them you value them and the others for letting them get excited about going and then ripping the floor out from under them.... sucks to be you

ChocolateCard · 02/01/2019 02:48

Yes, what Serendipity said

binkyblinky · 02/01/2019 05:59

If it's a budget thing, offer to pay for their meals. If that's all it is.
But it sounds like a horrible thing to do!

Becles · 02/01/2019 07:06

I think there's been a lot of drama on the thrrad as posters imagine themselves in your DW''s shoes and instinctively start fighting for their DCs interests rather than stepping back.

Like it or not, this is your brother's wedding,
You have to be there and be best man even if no one else attends due to reasons you give after the wedding.

If he's not inviting aunts and cousins let alone all your children, tough decisions have been made and to recognise that this is not all about your family as it's fast becoming, yours could be to attend alone.

He's your brother and to refuse to be best man or attend at all is something that you can't cone back from even if the vision you and your wife have of your family isn't shared by all.

rookiemere · 02/01/2019 09:18

binkyblinky I would bet on it being a space rather than money issue as most wedding venues have restricted numbers.

flowery · 02/01/2019 09:19

”They feel ‘humiliated ‘ because they think their father is somehow ‘siding’ with their step-siblings”

Well they should also be ‘siding’ with their step-siblings. The family unit should stick together.

WestBerlin · 02/01/2019 09:59

Why? Presumably the biological children have a seperate relationship to their uncle and should be able to go to his wedding if they want to without guilt trips.

Also, the decision to blend families is a decision made by adults, just because they want to view it a certain way doesn’t mean children do. They may not consider the steps to be their siblings, especially if they’ve not been raised full time with them, whether the adults wants them to or not.