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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 21:54

Of course he has to 'let them'. It's their uncles wedding & they want to go - the Op would be wrong to stop them. They didn't ask for step-siblings, nor are they responsible for their dads relationship with his brother - they have their own relationship with their uncle & the Op would be wrong to interfere in that.

RedHelenB · 01/01/2019 21:56

Is it not more a case of children not being invited given that your biological children are grown ups?

Gth1234 · 01/01/2019 21:57

I am surprised the kids want to go without their parents.

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 21:58

So sorry it has ended this way. It surely wasn’t your brothers intention and he will regret not adding the two teens to the invite - even if he doesn’t know them very well.

I am not sure why your wife is sobbing - it seems a bit of an over reaction? Would you be equally devastated if her brother got married and didn’t invite your children?

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 22:01

I agree OP shouldn’t stop his older children going to the wedding. This would be blamed on his wife by his wider family - she threw a strop because her children weren’t invited so decided no one was allowed to go. The children may decide on their own that they don’t want to go - but I’m not sure they (or the step kids) will be that bothered about who goes to some old farts wedding!!!!

pantyclaws · 01/01/2019 22:06

Agree with Hannah

It would be much more outrageous if OP to stopped his older DC going because of what is probably an insensitive oversight on his brother's behalf. They don't sound very close to their step siblings, OP says they get along ok - and maybe they don't really like them or feel close to them or resent them a bit because they get way more time with their dad.

And you know what? It's absolutely ok for them to feel that way. They are still children and they aren't perfect.

Or should everyone boycot the wedding because of this 🙄

ThePeachPit · 01/01/2019 22:07

Haven’t read the full thread so apologies if I’m repeating.
But presumably the 6 year old is yours and your wife’s child together and that child is invited?
I’m pregnant to my dp and have a dd to my ex. There’s absolutely no chance I would go to a wedding with me dp and our child and not take my dd.
I’ve just asked my dp what he’d do if me him and our child were invited to a wedding but they said my dd couldn’t come. His response “If that was the case I’d presume they didn’t care enough about me going in the first place and we’d decline”.

As your wife I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t want my child with you to go, I think that’s unfair on the siblings not going. But then if you and your children go that’s unfair on the 6 year old.
I’m not sure what you can do other than say none of the kids are going if they all can’t or none of you are going. I don’t know your wife but if it were me and you went with all your children and left mine out, I wouldn’t be able to stay in a relationship with you.

HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 22:07

I agree @Dollymixture22 - Ops DW now sounds like she's creating a big drama with the sobbing. Be careful not to be isolated from your family Op as I believe that if the genders were reversed in this thread, there would be lots of warnings about your partner being controlling & manipulative.

DeRigueurMortis · 01/01/2019 22:08

I don't think you ever had a choice.

You'll get flak from your family but you need to point out the irony of your brother expecting you to support and celebrate his marriage under conditions that would damaging to yours.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/01/2019 22:14

Your older children shouldn't be "pissed off" that you won't go. They sound like they don't care about their step siblings or step mother.

TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 22:16

Crying because of a wedding invite is OTT, way to lay on a guilt trip.

The older children may go, they likely dont share the same opinion of the blended family as adults do. Most step children recently in a thread said it was something very different from their blinkered parents view.

RedHelenB · 01/01/2019 22:18

Why should the OPs children care about step siblings and step mother necessarily? Who knows what that relationship is like?

Consolidateyourloins · 01/01/2019 22:18

No, Hannah, DW would be creating drama if she insisted OP's children shouldn't go, which she's not.

She's understandably upset by her Bil's action which show she and her children are not regarded as family.

irenaballerina · 01/01/2019 22:22

I'm with your wife

lucky88 · 01/01/2019 22:27

Can't understand why people have weddings that are going to cause so much drama when the invites go out.

I agree with your wife. And I think you should understand if she declines the invitation to attend. Perhaps you should consider that too. Your step kids have lived with you for 8years, they are your family along with your wife and any other dc. Brother is being purposely hurtful.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/01/2019 22:27

Why should the OPs children care about step siblings and step mother necessarily
Because they have been living together for 8 years ans share a younger sibling...
After that amount of time and as they grown up together you would expect them to regard each other as family...

HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 22:30

Families yes, @WhiteCat1704, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're close.

TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 22:30

After that amount of time and as they grown up together you would expect them to regard each other as family

Not really. They had no say in it and just had to put up with the situation. Be polite to them yes but they don't have to take them on like family unless they choose to do so. I know plenty of adults who have nothing to do with step siblings.

Original poster
ByScott · 01/01/2019 22:32

Well I am having a drink and going to bed. My ex is now texting saying my eldest is now sobbing as I am not going with them and they feel humiliated. I will not post again.

OP posts:
TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 22:35

You very clearly sent a message to them and your brother that your wife comes first over them. I'm not surprised they are hurt.

FuckingYuleLog · 01/01/2019 22:35

Your eldest children sound incredibly self centred.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/01/2019 22:35

know plenty of adults who have nothing to do with step siblings.
I know plenty that have nothing to do with their biological full siblings too..Most would understand though, as teenagers and part of the same household, that inviting some siblings and not others is wrong.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/01/2019 22:37

My ex is now texting saying my eldest is now sobbing as I am not going with them and they feel humiliated.

Wow...what a charming 17year old you have...

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/01/2019 22:37

You should all not go imo

HannahnotAgnes · 01/01/2019 22:39

So sorry Op, it's a horrible situation that you've been put in, entirely not of your ie. making. Your DB really has caused a lot of upset for your family.

FWIW, I understand where your DC is coming from but you've been put in an impossible position. No idea what the right answer is. If it were me, I'd go but not expect my DW or joint child to go out of respect for her feelings.

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