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Original poster

Brother‘s Wedding and step-Kids

609 replies

ByScott · 31/12/2018 20:50

I am a 42 year old man and have created an account as I have no one to talk to in real life.
My wife is perfect and has not asked me for anything in 10 years. On Boxing Day she asked me to refuse to be best man and not to attend my brother’ Wedding.
My brother is in his late 30s is marrying for the first time, a good 10years older than when my cousins and I first got married. My mother did have a cry when her sister wasn’t invited. Over Christmas the invitations were given. My wife and children are invited but not my step-children. They are 13 and 15 and have lived with me for 8 years.
I did speak to my brother but he said he couldn’t justify inviting steps and not aunts and cousins. I cannot imagine my own kids refusing to go. I am shocked by my brother not including them and shocked about my wife‘s stance.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 02/01/2019 10:07

I think your brother has been incredibly insensitive. I would have gone without any of the kids. I wouldn’t have let the kids know that only 2 were invited. It’s your brother

rookiemere · 02/01/2019 10:15

As the DCs are teenagers, it would make the issue infinitely worse to lie to them about if they were invited or not.

chillpizza · 02/01/2019 11:02

Of course the children are upset. They clearly don’t view this blended set up that people on here are willing to be true. You’ve gone and picked their step mothers feelings over theirs. They want to go to their uncles wedding with their dad they see no issue that non family members haven’t been invited. Your wife kicks off they see step mum moaning about her children not being invited then dad pandering.

Tick tick tick on the not so happily blended family the mum and dad try to make the outside world believe they have from the children’s eyes.

flowery · 02/01/2019 11:27

”They want to go to their uncles wedding with their dad they see no issue that non family members haven’t been invited.”

The issue isn’t whether random ‘non family members’ have been invited. Whether these teenagers see their step siblings as equally important as full siblings is one thing. Perhaps they don’t, which is a shame after having been raised together since being very young,

But even if they don’t see their step siblings as being full siblings, by anyone’s definition they are ‘family’. And for them to not even understand why there’s an issue displays a stunning lack of empathy imo.

chillpizza · 02/01/2019 11:33

or they just hate the blended life they have been forced to live and this is their hill.

It’s not really that different to when you get married, you marry dh/dw because you love them but their family comes as part of the deal. Doesn’t mean you like them or want to spend time with them, you just tolerate and be nice for your partners sake but don’t see them really as your family.

flowery · 02/01/2019 11:40

”It’s not really that different to when you get married, you marry dh/dw because you love them but their family comes as part of the deal. Doesn’t mean you like them or want to spend time with them, you just tolerate and be nice for your partners sake but don’t see them really as your family.”

But most people with a modicum of empathy would understand the issue and the OP’s decision, even if they would not have made the same one.

chillpizza · 02/01/2019 11:51

Your asking teenagers full of hormones to think like adults when they are in their rebellion stages with life isn’t fair and their dad is putting these other children and women who’s not their mum above them.

Once again it’s thechildren of these family’s feelings who are forgotten.

Youseethethingis · 02/01/2019 12:06

I don’t think the children’s feelings are forgotten exactly, but it seems to me that the OPs marriage is the most important thing here. Those kids will be grown in a few short years and the OPs marriage could well have disintegrated by then if he didn’t stand up for his wife now. Then you’ve got 5 kids who have lost a solid base all over again. Nobody’s a winner here. The brother is an idiot, and he should never have created this situation. It’s just so unkind, numbers or not.

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 02/01/2019 12:07

@Lose2StoneObviously

Your wife sounds like a controlling prima donna! Do you insist your kids go to the Skids access visits or to your Skids family gatherings? No.So why the heck is it such an issue for your kids to go to THEIR uncles wedding.
Why should he invite kids which are no relation to him, when he hasn't got space for his mothers sister? Could you imagine how id auntie would feel if non-related kids were there?
Honestly I would not let this women alienater you from your extended family. If she loved you she wouldn't make you choose. Your brother was on the scene long before her, and probably will be loing after

WTF? So you think the OP's wife should take her youngest child to a family wedding but not her oldest two? Where does she leave them? And what does she say to them? Sorry kids, actual blood relations only so I can only take your little sister and not you guys. Bye!
As if.

Its 2 kids FFS - it is NOT about money. Brother has been an insensitive arsehole and I think the only right decision here was the one OP has made not to go.

His kids reaction is strange, don't understand why they would be humiliated? If they wanna go they can go? If OPs brother was that bothered about the situation he would have invited them, rather than having to chose a new best man. Evidently not.

U2HasTheEdge · 02/01/2019 12:26

Do you insist your kids go to the Skids access visits or to your Skids family gatherings?

This is such a stupid comparison. Mind you, not surprising coming from someone who uses the word Skids.

EWAB · 02/01/2019 12:31

I imagine that the 4 older kids have never actually lived together although it is acknowledged that they get on. The OP also says that the 6 year old ‘gets the relationships’.
I can understand why the older child would feel humiliated at the wedding. Their dad refusing to come because the step-kids aren’t invited. It would seem that Dad is putting step-kids’ feelings before theirs.
I know neither OP or his wife have tried to stop them going but the posters on here actually suggesting that an invitation should be turned down on behalf of a 17 year old for their actual uncle’s wedding without telling them. It would look like the dad and stepmother were trying to isolate them from their family. Their mother would have quite rightly gone mad.
The great irony of this is their father’s failing to accompany them to the wedding will do absolutely nothing for their relationship with their step-siblings and the little half-sibling will see one set of half-siblings being more important.

ChocolateCard · 02/01/2019 14:15

EWAB - you’ve got it all wrong. The older teenagers have all lived together for the last 8 years.

All 5 children here have been brought up living full-time together in the family home.

The only difference is the 2 which have a different mum go to spend every other weekend with her.

flowery · 02/01/2019 14:34

"their dad is putting these other children and women who’s not their mum above them. "

How?! He's standing up for his family unit and wanting his step children to be treated equally by the extended family. Equally. Not more preferentially.

How is he putting his step children and his wife above his biological children? Confused

Original poster
ByScott · 02/01/2019 14:36

I wasn’t coming back. My older kids live with their mother not me. My step-kids live with me spending every other weekend their dad.
Today my wife’s position is that I should go with my older two as it’s causing too much grief. I am seeing my brother on Friday after work. Thank you for your responses.

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 02/01/2019 14:43

Today my wife’s position is that I should go with my older two as it’s causing too much grief.

To be honest I think this is the best solution. I know your wife is upset but it’s a HUGE ask to ask you to miss your brother’s wedding especially when you are his Best Man.

It’s a really horrible situation for all of you and there’s no perfect answer as to what to do.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 14:48

That's really nice of your wife, and I guess you should go.

But if I were you and her, I wouldn't be inviting BIL and his new wife for dinner anytime soon. They've made their feelings clear about your family unit.

Is ex-wife invited?

Mix56 · 02/01/2019 14:54

Now that you have shown her you care enough, she has stopped sobbing & says you should go with the 2 oldest because one of them is sobbing instead.
could you all go off on a sunny holiday & veto the sodding wedding ?
then there'll be room for aunts & cousins !

Lizzie48 · 02/01/2019 14:58

That was very nicely handled by your DW; once you took a stand in support of her and her DC, she was able to compromise so as not to upset your DC. Hopefully, you'll both be able to move on from this. (Whether she's able to forgive your DB is obviously another matter.)

Dollymixture22 · 02/01/2019 15:06

Good outcome 🥳

BumbleBeee69 · 02/01/2019 15:11

OP you are utterly SPINELESS.

WhiteCat1704 · 02/01/2019 15:13

Well youe wife is nice but in your position I wouldn't go and would focus my attention on why my children don't care about their step siblings and step mother. There is obviously a conflict and division there you might not be aware of. 17 year old sobbing because they won't be at the wedding with their dad is also a problem..very manipulative behaviour.

I feel sorry for your 6 year old.

WestBerlin · 02/01/2019 15:25

I can see why they were frustrated, I don’t think they were being manipulative at all given they’re allowed to have feelings and opinions contrary to their parents’. As for ‘well the step kids are family’ - maybe not to the biological kids, although the uncle certainly is so why wouldn’t they want to go to his wedding with their dad?

They may just see step mum and step siblings as just that, dad’s wife and her kids. As said earlier, they did not choose the blended family set up, so why expect them to emotionally fall in line?

minionsrule · 02/01/2019 15:37

FFS why don't people speak to each other!!!!!!!!
Maybe if you had picked up the phone and spoke to your brother he may have said 'right yeah sorry didn't think, yes they can all come'.
Instead you allowed tears by everyone and drama.
Based on a post i set up the other day I'm surprised you didn't pop a note thru his door Confused

MinorRSole · 02/01/2019 15:58

@WestBerlin no they didn't choose it but then neither did the stepkids. As adults it's our job to be mindful of the feelings of young people in our families and to avoid allowing them to feel in any way rejected/unwanted/less important than others. When op married a woman with children he took on that responsibility, unfortunately the op himself doesn't seem to have realised that.

PrettyLovely1 · 02/01/2019 16:01

"OP you are utterly SPINELESS."

Totally agree! I feel sorry for your wife she could do so much better!

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