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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

308 replies

Eulalia2 · 31/12/2018 17:09

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eulalia2 · 02/01/2019 12:30

Am not giving him the house. I think I will ask him if he intends to divorce in the future so its a case of when rather than if. If he says he doesn’t know if he will divorce in the future then I don’t see a future for us. Does that sound ok?

OP posts:
Original poster
Eulalia2 · 02/01/2019 12:32

Also he has said he wants to spend the rest the rest of his life with me Wooly.

OP posts:
Motoko · 02/01/2019 12:40

Words are cheap. Many women have been told what they want to hear, only to find the reality is completely different. It's so easy to say you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, especially if you're going to gain something from it.

My husband knew he wanted to marry me, and me, him, by this time in the relationship. It was another 5 years before we did, due to finances, but we both knew we wanted it at 9 months.

Loopytiles · 02/01/2019 12:44

The home renovation / gifting idea is a very, very bad one. Doing that would be foolhardy.

You’ve only known this man 9 months!

Loopytiles · 02/01/2019 12:47

“I am not a complete idiot - my boyfriend is a joiner”.

Posters concerns are not about his carpentry skills!

You WOULD be an idiot to go ahead with it.

woollyheart · 02/01/2019 12:50

I think that if he really wanted to stay with you forever, he wouldn't have suggested a scheme where you split the house up and had half each. He would have been looking at it from the perspective that you would be a couple. You would have an asset where you provided the basic property and he provided the labour and know how to do it up. It would belong to you both as a couple especially if you were married.

Or did you suggest this scheme?

raver123 · 02/01/2019 12:56

You're dating a married man. Tell him get in touch when's he's single! At least that's what I'm Mother used to advise and on reflection she was 100% right, it's a waste of time.

woollyheart · 02/01/2019 12:59

He wants to be treated like a single man when he isn't a single man.

He wants to benefit from your assets as if he was married to you. But he isn't married to you.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 02/01/2019 13:09

Motoko yes we were the same my dh asked me to marry him after a few weeks. But this year has been hard with me being ill. What I want is to think I have a future with someone, not just find myself still being strung along in 5 years time and him still saying he doesn’t want to get divorced.

Wooly we can’t move in together for a few years due to my status as a single parent as I get tax credits and widowed parent’s allowance.

OP posts:
Rhubarbisevil · 02/01/2019 13:50

Also he has said he wants to spend the rest the rest of his life with me Wooly.

Well then he won’t need to live in a separate house. End of.

AnoukSpirit · 02/01/2019 14:08

It's unreasonable and unrealistic to be expecting people to make long term commitments to you very early on. Yes, occasionally it happens and works out, but it's not the norm. You can't expect every relationship to include a marriage proposal in the first month.

NicoAndTheNiners · 02/01/2019 14:17

A friend of mine is in a similar situation however she's the one who is technically still married. Has been seperated for 5 years. New bf took the news well. She's had no reason previously to get divorced. But there's no way she would get back with the husband. He's very much an ex in her mind.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 02/01/2019 15:09

Don’t want a marriage proposal! Just want to know he will divorce at some point.

OP posts:
Triglesoffy · 02/01/2019 15:42

He’s already said no, so there’s your answer.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 02/01/2019 16:09

Trigle, he didn’t say no he said he would if he wanted to remarry.

OP posts:
BikeTart · 02/01/2019 16:17

OP - from what you say he has no doubts about his intentions to stay legally married for as long as he wants to and he'll end the marriage when he wants to (which may be never, and certainly not to please you, is my reading of this).

You don't sound like you're ready to be in a relationship at all. You sound terrified that he'll abandon you; all your self worth seems dependent on whether he will commit to freeing himself to be with you, when you can't marry him for years anyway!!

This is one of those relationships where you have 2 choices: you have to accept what he's offering or get out.

Loopytiles · 02/01/2019 16:19

So splitting your property and gifting part or all of it to your boyfriend as “payment” for doing the work wouldn’t affect your benefits?

And the extensive renovation work itself, and him doing it, wouldn’t affect your mental health?

Hmm
PerverseConverse · 02/01/2019 16:25

I'm amazed the council had so many spare properties they gave you one despite the fact you had one of your own already that you lived in with your late DH. I wasn't aware the council gave properties to people renovating.

Original poster
Eulalia2 · 02/01/2019 16:29

BikeTart - I know I sound pathetic don’t I? Am a lot better than I was as suicidal 14 months ago but been back to work for some time so my whole life doesn’t revolve around him. Am going to ask for clarification when I see him again - if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me he has to get divorced at some point. I don’t mind waiting just don’t want him to say he might never divorce but still remain with me.
Loopy - have had 2nd thoughts about the house.

OP posts:
OutPinked · 02/01/2019 16:33

Do not enter into any financial commitments with him until he is divorced ffs. Why even put yourself at risk like this? My DM’s DP died very suddenly aged 50. It can happen to anyone at any time. If he dies, you may have to give her the property! Don’t do it.

FrogsLegs33 · 02/01/2019 16:37

My mum had left my Dad 10yrs prior and had been with her new partner for 3yrs when she finally bothered to sort the divorce.

My dad never pursued it because he didn’t really want her to leave and is lazy too lol.

I think things are just different when you’re much older and doing things a second time around.

AmyDowdensLeftLeftShoe · 02/01/2019 16:42

Am going to ask for clarification when I see him again - if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me he has to get divorced at some point.

OP with all due respect you have refused to listen to the multitude of PP who are telling you that this guy does not plan a future with you. If he did he would have at least started the divorce process within a few months of meeting you.

Skang · 02/01/2019 16:43

Aren't tax credits means tested? How does that work if you own property? Hasn't universal credit rolled out in your area yet?

badirene · 02/01/2019 16:44

He said he’d get divorced “if I want to marry someone”
So he’s willing to let go of a perfectly good relationship rather than end something thats ended anyway

Read back what you wrote about him OP, he is telling you loud and clear what he wants, or rather what he does not want. This set up suit him, he seems like the type of man that will hide behind the divorce clause to avoid having to commit to another woman, he is "protecting" himself by using his children being upset as an excuse, he will always have an excuse for why he cannot marry again, but the truth is that he won't want to commit himself emotionally/physically/financially (only he knows which) to another woman. He will always have one eye on the door for an exit.

Also He said I need to get my mental health sorted out and my kids too, they are all teenagers and struggling he recognises that you are mentally and emotionally vulnerable right now with teenagers to support emotionally and financially but was OK with taking a house from you as payment for doing renovations, this is not a man with your best interests at heart. He is feathering his own nest at the expense of you and your children's inheritance.

He does not see walking away from you as any great loss I'm afraid, I am sorry to be so blunt but I suspect that you will continue on and then be shocked that he walks away with a fat wallet from your kids inheritance and be back on here telling us that you had no clue, you saw no signs. You are the only parent your kids have left, you are all grieving and as unfair as it is you have to be the strong one for all of you know.

Skang · 02/01/2019 16:50

I missed the part about the mental health and kids. So he doesn't love you enough as you are, you'd need to make yourself perfect for him first. And your kids. Lovely.. I wonder if you'd ever manage to jump through all his hoops.