Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

OP you are not listening to your boyfriend.

He has no intention of divorcing his wife and marrying you now or in the foreseeable future. You need to decide if you are happy going out with someone who isn't divorced. If you aren't then end the relationship, and if you are take a step back and stop focusing your life solely on him.

Secondly you need to stop being niave. Keep your finances, maintenance of your house and any other building work on your house separate from your relationship. If your relationship does fail he has a right to go after you in court to ask for payment for the work he's done so far. Also handing over part of your house to him is depriving your kids of the assets their own father worked for. Would your dead spouse be happy with that? Especially as your new boyfriend will leave everything to his current wife and kids.

he’s done a lot for me, completely redecorated my flat and he buys me things like clothes etc.

he got up to storm out of the door saying he’d never been so insulted in his life. Saw it as me throwing everything back in his face.

Is this a relationship or a property transaction?

This behaviour is transparently manipulative and controlling.

You seriously need to back away and get yourself some support to learn what healthy relationships look like, cos this ain't it.

This is not normal.

Men who - very early on - do your DIY and buy things and then expect you to comply with what they want in return are abusive (which is exactly what you're describing in this exchange - him kicking off because he did a bunch of supposedly generous stuff and in return you failed to be quiet and compliant to what he wanted, because in his view he bought your acquiescence).

If you do something nice for someone because you care about them it's not to buy their silence or to get them to do things for you. It's not a gift if you expect something in return, which he clearly does if he considers you asserting yourself to be "throwing it back in his face"

Making you feel guilty about asserting yourself or making you feel you owe him because he has run off doing unnecessary stuff for you is a hallmark of coercive control.

As is turning a fledgling relationship rapidly into this heavy, serious monstrosity.

It's not normal. I see why you might think it is from how your previous one started, but it's not. It's totally messed up.

Maybe try the Freedom Programme so you can learn what healthy relationships look like and protect yourself from both future heartache and exploitation. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Think about this. If you had a Turkish toyboy and he did loads of decorating for you to clothes, whilst offering to do some building work in exchange for your house, you'd run a mile. Women like that are different to the rest of us. Except they're not.
You are being gullible and stupid. I don't want to sound like that, but you need to hear it. Buck the fuck up and listen to yourself. Who the fuck plans to sign over a house to a boyfriend of 9 months who won't divorce his wife-technically then signing the house over to someone else's wife?!
If you are that needy to be loved that you'd pay someone to be with you then you need to go to therapy and work out where those feelings come from, and how you can deal with it.
Just as a toyboy uses his 'lover' to gain financially and everyone wonders why the hell she couldn't see him for what he was when everyone else could, you are being used in this relationship.
Don't be so silly and give your head a shake.

If you are going to play things cool and he thinks 9 months is way to early to be thinking about the future of your relationships, then surely it's way too early to be thinking about giving him a fucking house. That is hardly playing it cool.

Why can't he renovate it as one house and you pay him for the work and costs from the profit of selling it? Why the actual fuck are you giving him a house?

You keep dodging the matter of the house, or at least you are not replying to the posters who have told you in the strongest terms that your idea about the house is RIDICULOUS!

There have been quite a few sensible alternatives put forward, none of which involve giving him a house!

You are hung up on the wrong issue!

Actually, OP, let him do up the house and then tell him to take a hike because it is YOUR house.

Do NOT GIVE HIM A HOUSE!!

Not RTFT , only 4 pages.
Get him to renovate the house. Give him his part. Let him dump you shortly after and then he can move his next girlfriend in.

OP break this down into one question: do you honestly think anyone who is happy to take a HOUSE in exchange for renovation from his partner (who in his own words has mental health issues she need to sort out), whilst saying that it's "too serious" to talk about divorce from his wife, really cares about you?!?!?

I'm sorry but he will do the work and leave you. He doesn't love you.

You have ignored every single person who told you not to give your house over I'm beginning to think this is a troll. It has to be

Starting to see inconsistencies in this story, firstly the OP talks about him renovating a house which is big enough to divide in to two then she Talk about the fact that he has done work to her 'flat'.

I don't think it is possible for the op to live in both a big house and a flat.

@givemesteel think she said she currently in a council flat but I might have got confused with another thread. I know I said I was out but I just can't help myself with crazy threads like this. I just won't offer any more to the OP though as she's not paid any attention to anything anyone has said.

Wheres the house from?

Was wondering the same

Hi, no not a troll! I have the house which was my family home and was being renovated by my husband but became increasingly more run down as he was unable to complete it and subsequently died just over 3 years ago. I am not a complete idiot as boyfriend is a trained joiner and has built his own house from scratch. So I know it would be up to standard. Have taken on board all the comments about the house and will come up with an arrangment that benefits me. I am a bit vulnerable after spending several months in hospital in 2017 and most of last year has been about getting better. Had a good talk with boyfriend this evening and resolved a few things. I agree with the one or two posters that it would be too much to ask him to get divorced at this early stage. I just need to calm down and let the relationship develop naturally rather than force it. Thanks for taking the time to post.

Sorry meant to add was given a council flat due to the living conditions in the house.

Sorr

@Eulalia2 sounds like you've come to a great solution for now. Enjoy the moment, don't pay someone in houses and it'll all work itself out

Also on Mumsnet, remember that some posters thrive off drama and they'll basically make stuff up to suit their own agenda. We don't know him.. he's probably a perfectly nice chap. Just put the brakes on for now and enjoy the relationship

I am so glad you will rethink the house, you sound very vulnerable after having many difficult years. I hope 2019 is better for you and your children. You are stronger than you think and don't need this man.

When we feel vulnerable "kindness" from someone will be overwhelming and cause you to feel dependant on him

Please be aware that there are many manipulative people in this world. They don't wear signs, they appear lovely, capable and often charming.

You are vulnerable and will be a target for men to prey on. My sister was a widow and her first relationship post bereavement was with an exploitive man.
There will be solutions for the house, without giving this man substantial funds.

Post on property boards and you will get help with solutions.

I can sort of see two sides with this. My parents split up when I was very young. They didn't get divorced as back then mothers basically got custody and dad wasn't going to accept not having joint custody so they stayed married. They didn't get divorced till my mum wanted to remarry even though my dad had been with his partner for years by then. They were amicable and sure he would would have wanted any money to go to my mum to look after us if something had happened to us. He was also extremely apprehensive about remarrying as he really hadn't wanted things to end the first time around. Generally all his actions were to make sure we (the kids) would be ok what ever happened but not necessarily brilliant as a new partner. He did marry his partner eventually and she has been in my life since I was about 5 and I love her but she has had to be very patient. But I think it does depend a lot on how old the kids are. My uncle was separated and tragically got killed in a car accident. His estranged wife (bad breakup and she was a very difficult lady) got everything and all their child was an adult so money didn't go to looking after the kid. He was seeing someone new and the estranged wife didn't even let the partner know about the funeral.

So I guess if kids are young fair enough not rushing to get divorced if you have a good relationship with you ex but if the kids are older or a bad relationship I think I'd want them to get divorced ASAP.

Sorry, long post.

Too much to ask him to divorce then it's definitely way too much to give away any part of your family home. Or to pay any more than the going rate for the work he would have to do- get quotes from other people.

Surely it should be more of a 'mates rates' thing rather than a 'have half of my family home/let me have half of your family home' deal if you're in a casual relationship? Or any relationship for that matter.

Babyboy. The separation is amicable. I don’t know what to do really we have reached an empass. He feels its too soon to discuss this kind of thing and hasn’t indicated a time scale as to when it would be right. He said his wife wouldn’t get any of his money as its all laid out in the separation agreement. I think he feels why rock the boat unless he wants to remarry and that it is obviously too soon for him to think of me in those terms. I suppose I feel a bit hurt by that in some ways in that I don’t feel good enough. Am kind of mixed up though and on anti depressants and can get quite emotional.

I don’t want to marry in a hurry that is for sure but just feel that the option is open to me if I do if that makes sense.

Also I asked him would he want thing to change if he still felt the same about me in a years time and he said he didnt know how he would feel in a year. Do you think he has doubts about me?

Thank god you're reconsidering the house thing. That would be a huge mistake. Please don't give him or promise him anything.

He probably sees you as a girlfriend not a future wife.
Hand him a house, and he'll dump you, meet someone else and marry her without delay.

It sounds like the timing isn't right for the two of you.

He isn't looking for a long term relationship at the moment. The two of you are in the early days of your relationship when you should have strong feelings of love towards each other. He sees you as a girlfriend not potential long term partner.

I think you are wasting your time with him unless you are happy with a more casual relationship.

And as part of a more casual relationship, he should keep his hands off your finances and property.

Others are right - in 2 years, he will probably meet someone else, fall madly in love, marry them and buy somewhere to live off the profits from the house you have him.