Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

OK its sorted. After a suitable time period he will divorce. He’s going to do my house but I will retain ownership.

TooSassy, all the financial arrangements were sorted out 8 years ago and his children are grown up so there is no great upheaval in divorcing.

Convenient, what a happy ending.

How long is a "suitable period", he's already been separated for 8 years. It's a meaningless term.

How are you going to pay him for the work on the house?

I was thinking the exact same. What is a suitable period when a separation happened 8 years ago and the children are grown up?

If anything OP, I see people staying in these situations because their DC are young and they want to keep them in the family home etc.

If financials are done and children are grown, it begs the question, why not just start the divorce process? If you read what I posted, I made it clear that emotionally divorce is brutal, it is a severing of ties. At some psychological level, I believe some people retain that connection for a reason. They can cite ‘laziness’ and ‘I want to keep the family intact’ but dig deeper and sometimes it just remains that safety net.

So let me ask you a question. If financials are sorted etc and this just remains a paperwork / legal issue, what is his situation Re wills and power of attorney? Because (in England certainly) on paper his wife has power of attorney (legally and medically) and will also be default set to inherit his estate.

Has someone else hotness his POA? And does he have a will?

Lol at hotness. Does someone else hold his POA?

I’m sorry but I just don’t buy it.
If I was in his shoes and I met someone who I thought could be the person I spent the rest of my life in (even though it is only 9 months in) and they told me that my lack of divorce was a real deal stopper and affecting my current happiness / could impact our relationship. I would start my divorce. I’d be clear that it didn’t mean that we would marry (as 9 months is too soon IMo when DC from two marriages are involved) but if my divorce literally remained a technicality that I hadn’t gotten round to, then I would start the process.

If however, I had doubts and wasn’t sure about the relationship (which is perfectly valid at 9 months in), there is every chance I would use the divorce as a reason to stall and buy myself time. End of.

He has doubts OP. And if you don’t know the answers about wills and POA, find out

What a crock of shit. OP is just feeding off the attention here.

So what’s in it for him if he does your house?

He told me awhile ago that he’s left all his money to his kids but I pointed out more recently that his wife could have legal rights to his estate. But he hasn’t responded to that. She can waive her legal rights but I don’t know the terms of their separation.

The issue of still being married has never come up before as his previous two relationships were still married, first one was an affair and 2nd she was separated also. I think he felt a bit overwhelmed when I suddenly started demanding that he made a big decision. He obviously feels that being married is keeping his family together in some sort of loose way. However has made it clear he wants to stay with me. Perhaps I should insist on a date rather than ‘a suitable time period’.

I will eventually sell the property and pay him that way.

🤦‍♀️

Argh.

A verbal agreement to sell your property and to pay him, that is likely to be a legal and financial commitment.

Even if you get legal advice and agree a written agreement, it would be a really stupid thing to do!

Did HE suggest the home renovation project? If so, given his knowledge of your health issues etc, that’s a massive red flag that his interest in you is financial.

It still sounds like madness for both of you. Presumably before you get started on the renovations your plans will be less vague.

Honestly at 11 pages into the topic and lots of sound practical advice that you refuse to acknowledge the only thing left to say is that I feel very sorry for your children OP, you are throwing away their future and any financial security that you have as a family and all for a few inches of dick.

Badrine that is below the belt. I’ve actually had conflicting advice here as some have said dont date him and others have said they see his point of view that its too soon to be pushy. I repeat he is NOT getting his hands on my house I am merely paying him for work he will do on it. The house is and will always remain in my name.

So OP what exactly has changed since you first posted this thread?
He is still married, separated 8 years, so his youngest DC is now 22, the older DC late 20's/early 30's, you are still planning on handing him over a large amount of money, just now instead of just giving him a house to sell you are selling the house and handing him the cash.

Nothing has changed, you are deliberately walking into this nonsense and hanging on to your blindfold with white knuckles. As I said I feel sorry for your kids.

Posters have given unanimous,
negative opinions about any financial commitments to your boyfriend. Yet you still want him to renovate your house in return for a cut of its value.

The PP’s comment was harsh, but if you embroil your boyfriend in home renovation - with associated financial commitment - you would indeed IMO be letting your DC down massively.

Wake up.

I actually have enough in a savings account to pay him for the work rather than sell it. Was going to sell it anyway and find elsewhere to stay with me and the kids as the house is a bit remote.

He’s done loads of stuff with me already, helped me to move, redecorated the flat, cleared out stuff from the house etc all without expecting a penny. He does lots for his family completely unpaid. He’s not into me to gain financially, in fact when I mentioned giving him profits it was him that backed off and said it wasn’t fair.

He’s a good person. You don’t know him, I do. I was looking for others opinions who may have been in a similar situation and wanted views on whether I was expecting too much too soon, or alternatively if I should back off. Utimately the decision is of course mine to make. I think we have a good relationship and it won’t hurt to let it continue for now. My kids like him and he’s helped eldest a lot with looking for a job.

You did post to say you were concerned he was not seeking a divorce. Then you updated to say ‘it’s sorted.’ But has there really been any progress in that area?

Why were you giving him a house if you had the money to pay for the renovations all along then?

You were literally just giving him a house for no reason.

I didnt want to cut myself to the wire, ie use up a lot of my savings but think this would be safer. He’s said he is willing to divorce so its just a case of when rather than if (before was unsure if he was willing).

I’m sure you said you had no money to pay tradesmen which is why BF is doing it. I’m so confused.

Just got back from the boyfriend’s sat up half the night talking and got a lot of things resolved and the issue of the house sorted out. Also he’s definitely wanting to get divorced, just a case of when but neither of in a hurry to remarry, not for a few years yet as my kids are quite young.

Thanks for all the posts.

You've only been together 9 months and you want him to say he'll get divorced if he intends to spend the rest of his life with you? And issuing ultimatums? Completely barmy!! He's been separated for years and has been honest about where he's at and the relationship. You obviously knew he was separated at the start and went in with open eyes. If it's such a big thing that you are threatening to leave over then go already. Relationships are a hell of a lot more than going on about some ifs and maybes that may or may not happen in the future.