Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

Universal credit is for job seekers. Tax credits is for those in low paid employment.

As I’ve said I am not entering into any financial relationship with him. Am clarifying the divorce issue when I see him again, I think its unfair for him to keep me hanging on for years. I need a time frame.

No, it's not. When universal credit rolls out in an area it replaces other benefits.

And how do you get tax credits (which is means tested) when you own a property?

OK then so work out exactly what you want to know - in a previous post you said you just want to know he'll get divorced at some point.
If he says, "yes, I'll get divorced at some point" will that really be sufficient for you?
Or do you want very much more specific information than that? If you do, work out before you ask him so that you've then got all the information you need to know exactly where you stand in terms of what you want. Because it seems to me you are asking half the question and he's only going to tell you half the answer; especially if he's got a vested interest in keeping you onside and it seems that he does
I think if it's that important to you, you'll need your big girl pants on for this because I think you might be scared of hearing the truth and that's why you aren't having it out with him.

If he walks away because you want clarity then he isn't right for you anyway; and if he gets angry and tells you to sort yourself out he isn't right for you (at least not right now); if he uses smoke and mirrors to beguile you into thinking he's answered only for you to feel you still need to ask, he isn't right for you; and if he says "lookEulali, I like you a lot but I don't want a divorce and and I can't promise you anything because I'm not thinking long term" he's not right for you. Bottom line seems to be if he says anthing other than what you want him to say then he isn't right for you and YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN SETTLING FOR SOMEONE WHO ISN'T RIGHT FOR YOU.

OP SLOW DOWN. Yes I know I'm shouting.

You've known him 9 months! 9 months. Your kids are struggling. You have MH issues. 14 months ago you were suicidal. You and your children have been through so much in the past 3 years which includes not being able to live in the family home.

You don't really know him yet. He is the one being honest. He is the one being sensible. He has indicated that at this stage he feels he wants to spend his life with you but isn't ready to formally commit. Bravo him.

You come across as needing him as opposed to enjoying time together and see how things develop ... because you've only known him 9 months.

With all your ultimatums - if someone did this to me I would be off like a rocket and consider you bullet dodged. Every post you are seeking out ultimatums to give him.

You either enjoy his company. And see how your relationship naturally and gradually develops. Or you want to find someone who will commit within a few months (and usually then spend £££ unpicking the legal status of jumping in with all feet too soon).

I think you should drop it. He has made his position clear. It will send him running in the opposite direction (or at least it would me if someone started hassling me about my divorce). He knows your views, you know his. If he is not getting divorced now, it means nothing if he says in six, twelve or eighteen months. HE needs to want to do this and HE will know when he wants to.

Your children are still of an age where you are getting tax credits so you are not moving in together anyway.

You have sensibly re-thought the property plans.

Slow down everything else. You need to be able to enjoy your own life first without making everything dependent on him.

It’s true that I want some sort of certainty which I realise is ridiculous as anything could happen. Seems to be conflicting advice here, some saying he’s not the one others saying I am being too pushy. Let’s see how this talk unfolds.

Both things can be true OP. Both.
And if I were on the receiving end of pressure to say something as definitive as you are seeking at this stage I'd be off as well. As I said in my first post - you are not listening to him and you haven't really respected that he isn't on the same page as you (right now).
But if you must ask then you must also take the risk that he'll walk.

Bike - am only asking him a rough guide as to when he would consider divorce, I dont see that as being pushy. I think he wants to stay married just now to keep some sort of loose family structure. However I also think it is to assuage his guilt as it was him who broke up the marriage.

And yes saying I’ll get divorced at some point is enough for me at this stage. If he’s willing to say he wants to spend the rest of his life with me then surely he must realise I won’t tolerate it long term with him still being married.

Op everyone here is going to have an opinion. Those who would have no issues being in a relationship under these circumstances. Those of us who would. Not one of us can tell you what you should do. And the fact that you seem to be basing a fundamental life choice based on what a lot of strangers on the internet are saying worries me.

What do YOU want? Is this relationship making you happy? If he decides never to divorce, is that ok with you? Only you can answer these fundamental questions and ascertain what is right for you, not us.

Take time to know what makes you happy. What fulfills you. Who are you and what do you want out of life? These are questions only you can answer. Then you can look at this relationship and properly ask yourself if it is good enough for you.

I’ve been very clear that I wouldn’t date anyone in his situation. Plenty of others on here have said it wouldn’t bother them. Plenty of them are them. We are valid in our opinions and views. But we are not you.

*plenty of them are him (I.e not divorced yet and zero probs with it).

But he’s told you that - he’s told you he would consider divorce if he were planning to remarry.

He hasn’t told you when that would be because he doesn’t know himself! It might be never!

I’ll also add that none of us know him. It’s all opinion and conjecture.
He could adore you but not be ready
He could be using you
You could be being too pushy / need
You could be being incredibly boundaried and sensing all is not right.

We’re all unianimous on one point. Keep him out of your property affairs. Focus on the relationship and get everything else out of it. Unmuddy the waters and see what unfolds.

Am just seeking views, not making decision based on what people say. I think he would know at a certain point, say in a years time if he didn’t want to divorce and remarry. Most people should know by then. Of course I might not want to continue myself you never know but I don’t have to take any legal action being single.

TooSassy - why wouldn’t you date someone who was separated?

You've had 3 days of views from mumsnet, you've had several chats with your boyfriend. 90% of posters have told you not to go ahead with the property deal, most have told you he's not that into you, yet you're still asking the same questions over and over.
You are obviously very, very vulnerable having read this post and your previous posts. He knows this and has told you you need to sort both yourself out, and your ASD teenage son.
He is probably never going to get a divorce because he doesn't want to. He certainly doesn't want to marry you and has told you that very clearly if not in so many words.
He's using you. Please get some more therapy and find happiness in yourself instead of placing your happiness in the hands of this chancer.

Op, I posted why earlier up in the thread. I’m copying here. As I have said though, there are no right or wrong answers. This is just my view.

Oh and OP I would add, not a chance in hell I would date anyone long term separated who has not divorced.
My view is that the process of divorce is in itself a severing emotionally and certainly for me and most people I know, it was brutal. I wouldn’t wish the emotional heartbreak in anyone. And I’m the one who was the petitioner in mine.
Until someone has been through that journey themselves, sorted finances and child arrangements, I wouldn’t get involved.

@thenextsmallthing her posting history is over several threads and years. All very vulnerable with mental illness. Very sad and worrying.

her posting history is over several threads and years. All very vulnerable with mental illness. Very sad and worrying.

Unfortunately it still doesn't look like this thread has helped a jot...

OP, please just stop.

If that's the case then I apologise for my troll accusation. I remain worried for the OPs mental judgment though.

thenextsmallthing I thought the same thing initially. Worrying, isn't it.

Thanks for the posts. I have family and friend looking out for me so won’t be doing anything silly.

From his text tonight “I want to spend the rest of my life with you and do whatever is required to make this happen.” It’s a bit vague...??

Give up everyone, this is going round in circles!!