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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the OW about his secret child?

106 replies

dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:17

I have name changed and I don’t want to be too specific in case outed...

I have a 2 year old and an older child. Their father also has a 2 year old with an other woman who he lives with. OW knows about our older child but I’ve now discovered that she is unaware the 2 year old exists.

We haven’t been together since I was pregnant and found out that he was in a relationship with OW. I’d been told that they were no longer together.

He never has the children regularly and never at his house, he won’t agree to any set days and times and the latest is that he wants to see the older child and not the younger.

I can’t help now thinking that this must be because he doesn’t want OW finding out about youngest DC, and that contact could be more regular if it was all out in the open.

AIBU to tell her?

OP posts:
lboogy · 31/12/2018 12:19

What do you hope to achieve by telling her?

trooth · 31/12/2018 12:19

I would tell her

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/12/2018 12:19

Does she have contact with your older daughter? If so, how could she not know as presumably your ds2 talks about her younger sister.

Original poster
dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:28

Iboogy- I guess I’m hoping that once it’s all out in the open, the children will be able to have more regular contact with their father. Naive maybe.

Emma Grundy- no she doesn’t have any contact with DC1 as he never has the children around her.

OP posts:
FiveStoryFire · 31/12/2018 12:30

@lboogy
"What do you hope to achieve by telling her?"

She is hoping to achieve more regular contact with her youngest child.

It sounds like a very difficult situation. But yes, I think it would be best for everyone if this was all out in the open.

PinkHeart5914 · 31/12/2018 12:31

Why would contact be more regular if out in the open? Even with her only knowing about 1 he could stilll have weekly/ fortnight regular contact if he wanted.

You choose the wrong man to father your dc becuase he just doesn’t want to be a good dad, tell her what you want but I guarantee contact won’t suddenly go up!

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 31/12/2018 12:32

Beware she may make him choose.
And not in your favour.
Ime.

KC225 · 31/12/2018 12:32

Your choice if you do and I don't blame you for doing it but don't kid yourself that telling her will smooth it all out and make it better.

AloneLonelyLoner · 31/12/2018 12:32

You should tell her. I’d want to know if it were me.

Yabbers · 31/12/2018 12:33

If he lives with her, doesn’t that make you the “other woman”?

Telling her won’t achieve anything except trouble between them. Is that what you want to happen?

shpoot · 31/12/2018 12:35

No. It doesn't make OP the OW. She has an older child with him and they split when she found out he had another woman

chocolateneededrn · 31/12/2018 12:35

@Yabbers "haven't been together since I was pregnant"

shpoot · 31/12/2018 12:36

Presumably he'd told OW that he wasn't sleeping with his partner 3 years ago. Hence why she doesn't know about the 2 year old.

Tell her OP. Your kids have a half sibling there

DRE56322 · 31/12/2018 12:36

TBH, I wouldn't tell her. She will quite likely blame you for the whole situation anyway.
And I would consider contacting contact entirely, too, but obviously that is yours/his decision.

SkySmiler · 31/12/2018 12:38

How is she the OW? Was there an overlap?

stardewvalley · 31/12/2018 12:38

That's a tricky situation, but I think if I were her I'd want to know.

nellieellie · 31/12/2018 12:42

Well, I’d say it was untenable for him to have contact with only one child. It might be do able now that youngest is just 2 years, but obviously when the youngest is old enough to wonder why his dad doesn’t want to see him, but does want to see his brother, it’s not on.

Your ex is unrealistic, at some point the older child will talk about his/her sibling. If the ex has told your older child not to mention the sibling, then that’s not on either. He mustn’t get the D.C. to keep his secrets. It’s wrong and unhealthy. I’d check this with him.

I wouldn’t actively tell the OW, but I’d be having words with ex about it, and trying to get him to see he needs to come clean.

BrieAndChilli · 31/12/2018 12:43

surely she would want her child to have a relationship wit thier siblings?
Also she should be wary of not letting him have contact with his existing kids wit the OP as the same will happen to her if/when he moves on to the next one!!!
I think she needs to know all the facts in order to make the best decision for her child. she may be asking for contact between her child and the 1 child she knows exists but the Dad may be making excuses as he knows he will be found out if they have contact.
Also you may gain a better/more regular contact arrangement for both kids by telling her, or you may find that contact completely stops, however i feel that both those options are better than the current arrangement where the kids dont know wether they are coming or going from one week to the next, when they may see thier dad next and also the younger one feeling like a dirty secret or wondering why the older child is allowed to Daddys house and they are not.

Original poster
dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:43

Yabbers- Perhaps it did make me the OW or perhaps it’s made both of us OW.

At this stage I’m over the emotional hurt so that aspect is irrelevant and I couldn’t care less about what trouble it causes for them.

OP posts:
bifflediffle · 31/12/2018 12:45

She isn’t the OW. Is she?

userschmoozer · 31/12/2018 12:47

Is he actually with his wife and trying to make his marriage work?

Yabbers · 31/12/2018 12:47

They both have 2 year olds. He lives with her. Doesn’t take much to work out her was cheating on his girlfriend with the OP.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2018 12:48

Iboogy- I guess I’m hoping that once it’s all out in the open, the children will be able to have more regular contact with their father. Naive maybe.

Why would you want your 2yr old to have regular contact with someone who doesn't want it?

That's going to be very bad for the child.

Out of interest, does he deny being the father or suspect that he isn't?

TeddybearBaby · 31/12/2018 12:49

He sounds awful. No contact at all and then he wants to see just one........ poor kids. Tell her if you like, it might make a difference. Can’t get any worse can it?

Cassie85 · 31/12/2018 12:49

What a strange and horrible situation to be in.

Do you and the OW not know any of the same people? Or family members of your ex, who know about your younger child?

Strange that the OW has never nosied on social media and found out either.

If it was me, I would tell her, then everything’s out in the open and surely that can only make things easier for the children in the future.