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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell the OW about his secret child?

106 replies

dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:17

I have name changed and I don’t want to be too specific in case outed...

I have a 2 year old and an older child. Their father also has a 2 year old with an other woman who he lives with. OW knows about our older child but I’ve now discovered that she is unaware the 2 year old exists.

We haven’t been together since I was pregnant and found out that he was in a relationship with OW. I’d been told that they were no longer together.

He never has the children regularly and never at his house, he won’t agree to any set days and times and the latest is that he wants to see the older child and not the younger.

I can’t help now thinking that this must be because he doesn’t want OW finding out about youngest DC, and that contact could be more regular if it was all out in the open.

AIBU to tell her?

OP posts:

TwistedStitch · 31/12/2018 12:50

Did you miss the part where the OP also has an older child with him Yabbers?

OP I would tell her, or at least not keep my child a secret. Make sure he's paying for both of his kids and don't let him pick one over the other to see.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2018 12:50

Tell her if you like, it might make a difference. Can’t get any worse can it?

For the 2 year old it can.

IhateBoswell · 31/12/2018 12:51

I wouldn’t be begging him for contact, that’s for sure.
Just be prepared for it to not fallout in your favour if you do tell the ‘OW’.

JamieFraser · 31/12/2018 12:51

The level of reading comprehension on this thread is shit. Read carefully people.

TeddybearBaby · 31/12/2018 12:51

@WorraLiberty seeing their dad would be bad?

Megs4x3 · 31/12/2018 12:51

This isn’t really about whether or not you tell the OW about the younger child, it’s about standing your ground and telling your children’s father that he doesn’t get to play favourites and take one child without the other. It will be increasingly difficult to explain to the younger child why they are being left behind and increasingly difficult for their father to include them later. He is being very short-sighted and selfish. Both children or none. It’s as simple as that.

CandyCreeper · 31/12/2018 12:52

Oh fgs does it matter who was the ow?! this post is about whether she should tell her about the other child or not, cant believe some people are saying she shouldnt.

WhatsUpHun · 31/12/2018 12:52

wiw, thats messy, i wouldnt let him have one child without the other though, they should be treated equally

krustykittens · 31/12/2018 12:53

I would tell her, because the children have a right to know of each other's existence and I think that is a priority. I also don't think it would be very good for your youngest child's self esteem to grow up as Daddy's Little Secret. How long does he really think he can keep their existence as secret?! I doubt the relationship between your youngest child and your ex is going to get any better, though.

Cassie85 · 31/12/2018 12:53

Candy, totally agree, sometimes these threads seem to go off on tangents 😂

Original poster

dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:54

Sorry if I didn’t make that part clear, I was trying not to waffle.

He’s not married, we weren’t married either but were together for 12 years. We briefly broke up because I found out about OW.

I stupidly gave him another chance but I was unaware he was still in a relationship with OW. I didn’t find out until I was pregnant with our youngest.

OP posts:

Cassie85 · 31/12/2018 12:57

Theresa, you need to be your child’s advocate, making sure your DC isn’t treated as some kind of dirty secret. If the OW knowing about her/him means that dad isn’t involved, then so be it. That will be better for your DC than being treated in this secretive way.

Also yes, these children are half-siblings and they deserve to know about each other. As time goes on, it will also put your older child in an increasingly difficult situation. This can’t last, something will have to give.

C0untDucku1a · 31/12/2018 12:58

Op, you should go to court and arrange regular contact times. He takes both or neither at set times. Be prepared for it to be neither. You are enough for your children if he can’t be arsed.

Is he paying regular maintenance for both? If not, id go through CMS to ensure it is paid from his wage, no messing.

Those are actions that are in the best interest of your children. They may result in his partner being made aware of both children, but that would be a side effect of you doing what is best for your children, not the intent.

Original poster

dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:59

No he’s not denying paternity, he’s also been paying regular maintenance for both children.

Cassie- it’s an awful situation, I don’t understand how I got here tbh I’m feeling really ashamed of it all and so angry at him... he’s not on social media and his family all know as I facilitate contact by bringing the children to them every few months.

OP posts:

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 13:05

You can't have him seeing one child and not the other. That will screw both children up. So a categorical no there.
See what his reaction is to that then persuade him to tell her himself. If that doesn't work, tell her yourself. By that time you'll have nothing to lose as he won't be seeing either child due to the both or none rule.

TeddybearBaby · 31/12/2018 13:05

Your update makes this even more messed up! So his family all see the child and also keep them a secret?! I feel so sorry for you and the children and wouldn’t put up with it for a second more. Awful for the ow too who is being lied to all round!

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 13:06

So his family is lying to her too.
Poor woman.

IhateBoswell · 31/12/2018 13:07

What murky fuckers

Jazzhan · 31/12/2018 13:07

Well you've nothing to lose by telling her.

Username12345 · 31/12/2018 13:08

He takes both or neither at set times.

So your solution is to punish the older child with no contact because of his the fathers actions?

Cassie85 · 31/12/2018 13:08

Theresa, don’t feel ashamed, you have done nothing wrong. This guy is a pig.

I agree with Ducky, get everything formalised, regular access so the children know where they are and so do you. If he doesn’t do this, fuck him. You and your kids are better off without him.

You can do this.

WorraLiberty · 31/12/2018 13:10

@WorraLiberty seeing their dad would be bad?

Seeing a Dad regularly who doesn't actually want regular contact would be bad, yes.

If he wanted to see his 2yr old regularly, the OP wouldn't need to tell the OW because he would've done it 2 years ago.

Original poster

dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 13:10

I have told him he is not seeing one child and not the other.

Thanks for everyone answering here... I am reading everything, might be a bit slow to reply now the toddler has woken up.

OP posts:

TwistedStitch · 31/12/2018 13:12

He doesn't currently have the children regularly anyway. In OP's shoes I'd not want a divide or any resentment between my 2 kids and I'd be prioritising their relationship over a deadbeat Dad who thinks he can pick and choose between his kids.

Chocolatecake12 · 31/12/2018 13:16

These things have a habit of coming out in the open eventually. So the ow will find out, just depends if you tell her now or she finds out later.

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