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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the OW about his secret child?

106 replies

dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:17

I have name changed and I don’t want to be too specific in case outed...

I have a 2 year old and an older child. Their father also has a 2 year old with an other woman who he lives with. OW knows about our older child but I’ve now discovered that she is unaware the 2 year old exists.

We haven’t been together since I was pregnant and found out that he was in a relationship with OW. I’d been told that they were no longer together.

He never has the children regularly and never at his house, he won’t agree to any set days and times and the latest is that he wants to see the older child and not the younger.

I can’t help now thinking that this must be because he doesn’t want OW finding out about youngest DC, and that contact could be more regular if it was all out in the open.

AIBU to tell her?

OP posts:
Banana8080 · 31/12/2018 18:16

You’ve not told her already?! I would.

Silkei · 31/12/2018 18:20

This is awful. I’d tell OW because her DC needs to know there are two siblings and ideally have contact with both. It’s unfair for the father to only have contact with the oldest and reject the youngest. It will all get found out eventually anyway. Surely if he lives with OW she’s aware he’s paying two lots of maintenance?

CAAKE · 31/12/2018 20:00

Just a thought - is it possible she knows you have a younger child but thinks it's not his? From what you've written here it seems like he might be capable of spinning something like that.

Original poster
dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 20:12

Sorry for the delay in replying, it’s been one of those days. I’m seeing that the majority advice here is to tell her but I’ll be honest I’m petrified. I hate confrontation, any ideas on how I even would? I have her phone number.

To pp asking how I know she is unaware, a family member of his told me.

To clarify I haven’t allowed contact with just the older DC, he has recently asked for that but I have not agreed.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2018 20:25

Can you put your finger on what petrifies you to see if you can 'reason it out' ? That she'll be angry and begin shouting? That she won't believe you? Both are beyond your control and either way, all you need to do is put down the phone.

Are you afraid of your ex? What is it that you're afraid will happen with him?

Shelby2010 · 31/12/2018 20:29

Why don’t you ask her if she has a problem with the children meeting as your older DC says they never go to the house. You could word it so that it doesn’t explicitly mention the younger child & see what she says. Then if she says she doesn’t mind, say you were worried that she didn’t like that your youngest child was so close in age to hers etc

freshfoodpeople · 01/01/2019 08:09

I would tell her. There's no chance in hell I'd ever let my child/ren be a dirty little secret.

The siblings have a right to know about each other.

As for how to tell OW, if you're both on Messenger, Instagram or Facebook I'd start off that way via PM.

Bowchicawowow · 01/01/2019 08:12

How do men get away with this? Two women an three dc and he’ In the middle calling the tunes Confused

Gina2012 · 01/01/2019 08:17

This isn’t really about whether or not you tell the OW about the younger child, it’s about standing your ground and telling your children’s father that he doesn’t get to play favourites and take one child without the other. It will be increasingly difficult to explain to the younger child why they are being left behind and increasingly difficult for their father to include them later. He is being very short-sighted and selfish. Both children or none. It’s as simple as that.

Totally this

I'm amazed , OP, that you're fixating on telling your ex's partner - that's not important at all. And it makes me think that you're NOT over all the emotional cripcrap

The important thing is the TWO children and their relationship with their father.

Consolidateyourloins · 01/01/2019 08:35

Gina2012, I don't think OP is fixated. She has already told ex he sees both kids or none. She is hoping that making OW aware that he has 2 other kids not 1 will mean ex no longer has to hide the second child and so can have a relationship with her.

Ex had probably told OW he wasn't having sex with his wife, and the fact that the 2yo exists will prove him a liar.

Nomorechickens · 01/01/2019 08:44

"Hi OW, I was thinking that, as we both have DCs the same age by ex-DP, would it be nice for them to get to know each other and play together? Not sure how you would feel about that?"

MaverickSnoopy · 01/01/2019 08:48

You have to think long term here. Think of all the different ways this could play out over the years. What is gong to have the least impact to your children?

One child sees him and the other doesn't and child 2 is messed up for life. It's not a sustainable lie anyway and will be found out. This has to be off the cards.

If neither DC see him due to you not saying anything and him not wanting DC2 around then one day they may go looking for him and the truth will come out anyway.

I think you need to find a subtle way of speaking to OW about this. You want to smooth things over. You know that ex is being a bit funny about seeing your youngest and you just want your children to spend time with their father and their half sibling, is there anything you can do to help facilitate it? I forsee 2 problems. 1) the family member may fess up and it might be portrayed that you did this maliciously and 2) OW may not "buy" the above (so maybe you need to come up with something better or just be honest) and it might just paint you as the vindictive ex, as opposed to the mother trying to sort out this mess.

Ultimately I think a lot of honesty is needed here. Whatever happens, in your shoes I would be telling my children about their half sibling so that it doesn't come as a surprise to them when they're older. You don't want them being cross with you when this is a mess of their fathers making.

ElspethFlashman · 01/01/2019 08:53

Honestly if you have her phone number the easiest way is to text her a photo of the 2 kids. You can add "He has requested he not see little X any more. That is who he is. Thought you should know"

Leave it at that.

Doyoumind · 01/01/2019 08:54

I'm with Gina.

I was coming here to say I can't believe you're worrying about the OW and not just focusing on your DC. She'll find out eventually. It's not your job to tell her and I don't think your motives on that are based around your DC.

Protect your children. He either sees them both to a set schedule and is a proper father or he doesn't see them. He may end up never seeing them or he may go to court where you provide evidence that he hasn't been able to see them as he hasn't agreed to seeing them both together and regularly.

GummyGoddess · 01/01/2019 09:00

Do you think she's wondering why she never sees the children and has said to bring them over and he's panicked that he would have to bring the youngest?

How old is the eldest? I can't see if you've mentioned it.

I'm not sure I would want either of them seeing him, if he doesn't want the younger one I would worry how they were being treated when he is forced to have them.

Lovebeingmama · 01/01/2019 09:08

I’d probably tell her but in a way to reconcile you both as mothers who are dealing with a crap dad. Stop whatever little game he is playing with you both. The children need to be aware of each other and ideally have a relationship. Hopefully she is decent too and you can both move past any personal issues.
How we feels about this and however he responds is his concern. You can’t force a relationship with your children.
I’d let the truth be known.

Gina2012 · 01/01/2019 09:19

@Doyoumind

Perfect answer 👍🌟

ltk · 01/01/2019 09:23

I would contact them both, via text, suggesting a playdate for the siblings to get to know each other. Mention that as your dc2 and hers are so close in age we should all be grown ups and facilitate a relationship for their best interest, etc. Do this like you assume that she knows already.

JohnCRaven · 01/01/2019 09:30

If you want your DCs to have a relationship with their half sibling that's the angle to go for. If it's their dad having regular access to both of his DCs then that's what you focus on.

selkiesolstice · 01/01/2019 09:41

If you're not with this man anymore, stop stirring the pot. Stop wasting energy pushing water uphill trying to facilitate a relationship between two two year olds and think about how you can use your own time and efforts in a way that serves you.

Llioed · 01/01/2019 09:46

Can’t believe some people aren’t understanding that the OP isn’t the OW.
OP was with exP, had child with him, then got pregnant again with second baby. Meanwhile exP was also seeing OW and got her pregnant at same time as the OP’s second pregnancy.
Not hard to understand Hmm

As for the issue, I really don’t know what to suggest. I wouldn’t be happy with exP denying the existence of the second child. Poor child. I hope someone else comes along with some suitable suggestions on how you can progress. The exP will not be able to keep the second child a secret, from the OW. for too much longer. Good luck.

TeddybearBaby · 01/01/2019 10:01

I can see why this is a difficult thing / conversation to have. What would make it easiest for you? What is she like / have you spoken before?

FiveStoryFire · 01/01/2019 14:33

I think total honesty combined with empathy is the way to go here.

I would probably discuss this with your ex first.
Explain that you would like both children to have a relationship with their half-sibling and that you want to put some arrangements in place for this to happen.

Make him aware that if he doesn't facilitate this then your only other option will be to approach his current partner about it.

If you do have to resort to this, I would probably text her first to say you have something important to discuss with her regarding the children and then follow up with either a phone call or meeting.

LiftedHigh · 01/01/2019 15:30

"Hi Ex & Ow, happy new year. I'm currently planning for the year ahead. I thought it would be a good idea if DC1 & DC2 got to know their sibling, your DC. Especially as Exs DC2 & DC3 are so close in age. How would you feel about setting up some regular playdates, at softplay centre or the park, when the weather gets warmer?"

VictoriaFarmer · 01/01/2019 15:40

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