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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell the OW about his secret child?

106 replies

dancingtheresa · 31/12/2018 12:17

I have name changed and I don’t want to be too specific in case outed...

I have a 2 year old and an older child. Their father also has a 2 year old with an other woman who he lives with. OW knows about our older child but I’ve now discovered that she is unaware the 2 year old exists.

We haven’t been together since I was pregnant and found out that he was in a relationship with OW. I’d been told that they were no longer together.

He never has the children regularly and never at his house, he won’t agree to any set days and times and the latest is that he wants to see the older child and not the younger.

I can’t help now thinking that this must be because he doesn’t want OW finding out about youngest DC, and that contact could be more regular if it was all out in the open.

AIBU to tell her?

OP posts:

AmericanEskimoDoge · 31/12/2018 13:21

If he's willing to take one child but not both (for no legitimate reason), he's not much of a father, anyway, but yest, the younger child definitely deserves to be acknowledged and to have as much time with his/her crappy parent as possible.

Yes, OW needs to know, if that's what's keeping him from treating his children equally. However, is it possible she does know about both children? Could there be any other reason for his strange favoritism?

PrettyLovely1 · 31/12/2018 13:21

Yes I would tell her.

BarbarianMum · 31/12/2018 13:23

Wouldn't be the OP who's punishing him User. A situation where he just sees two out of his 3 children would be damaging to all of them.

MeganBacon · 31/12/2018 13:24

Of course you should tell her or force him to. It is not fair on the 2yo that his father does not acknowledge him especially since he does acknowledge his older sibling.
It'll come out eventually anyway.

TeddybearBaby · 31/12/2018 13:32

@WorraLiberty he’s a coward. Learnt that from his family by the sound of it. From the thread I’m assuming the op wants him in her children’s life so I assume she thinks he’d add something positive. If he doesn’t see either child she’ll know it’s his loss, she’ll also know she tried her best and did all she could. So I stand by thinking this situation won’t be made worse by telling ow. At the very least it’ll mean she’s not allowing her child to be ignored or a secret. Good luck op x

Belenus · 31/12/2018 13:38

They both have 2 year olds. He lives with her. Doesn’t take much to work out her was cheating on his girlfriend with the OP.

Well, apart from the bit where the OP says they have a 10 year old and a 2 year old together and he's the father of both and as such sees the older child but not the two year old. And the fact that seeing one child but not the other is causing problems. So basically if you ignore almost everything the OP has said, you could come to that conclusion.

cuppycakey · 31/12/2018 13:41

I would tell her as the siblings should be able to contact each other as they grow older. Also - think about your older child - are they supposed to pretend their younger sibling doesn't exist?

RedHelenB · 31/12/2018 13:42

Be clear to him that it's both the children or none. Not your job to tell ow.

Yulebealrite · 31/12/2018 13:48

So your solution is to punish the older child with no contact because of his the fathers actions? hmm

It's not a matter of punishing the older child. It's about the emotional wellbeing of all three children involved. It's as emotionally damaging to the older child if his brother is a dirty little secret.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2018 13:50

Excuse me if I've missed this...is he living with this other woman now?

Yes, I'd tell. I'd tell in the form of court papers requesting set maintenance and a regular access schedule for BOTH children delivered to their home.

tempester28 · 31/12/2018 13:57

Is it that he doesn't want to see the younger child because he would then have to admit the younger child's existence? In that situation you would be better off telling the OW. Bringing it out in the open might mean he would be able to see more of his children. He is probably scared to death of the older child mentioning the younger child if in the company of the ow. Bring it out in the open and it may pave the way to more contact for both. He simply doesn't want the ow he was still with you as you were both pregnant at the same time. I don't see you have anything to loose as to keep up the pretence will prevent any really relationship for either child.

Leatherandsilk · 31/12/2018 13:57

I’d tell her, the siblings at least need to know about each other. My friend was the “hidden” son, went through life made to tell people his dad was his “uncle” it’s damagig, don’t let your ex do that to his kid.

As for taking to court for regular contact as PP suggested, I tried to do that and solicitor told me the only way to force it was to block contact and make them apply for contact at which point the court would make it regular. You can’t “force” someone into regular contact proactively sadly.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 31/12/2018 14:01

Of course you tell her ... your children are her child's half siblings.

RomanyRoots · 31/12/2018 14:02

Please tell her not for anyone else's sake other than your 2 year old.
It's not nice being told you were the dirty secret, and there's no way of dressing it up.
It could scarr your dd, I've witnessed it first hand OP, it isn't good at all.

Saracen · 31/12/2018 14:06

He never has the children regularly and never at his house, he won’t agree to any set days and times and the latest is that he wants to see the older child and not the younger.

So he had been having contact with both of your children and now he only wants to see the older one? What excuse reason does he give for not wanting to see the little one any more? How does he propose that you will explain it to the little one? Does his family say anything about the subject? That's absolutely not on. How incredibly hurtful to the 2yo. Better for him to disappear from both your children's lives than to acknowledge one and not the other.

I don't have any opinion on the question of whether you should tell his partner that he cheated on her as well as on you.

neveradullmoment99 · 31/12/2018 14:11

Yes you should tell her. Not for him, not for you, not for the OW but for your dd sake and all the other children he has fathered. They are half sisters. Of course you should tell. They all have a right to know their siblings/half siblings.

Dollymixture22 · 31/12/2018 14:11

Does he have contact with his family - surely his parents would mention they have three grandchildren?

He sounds dreadful. A crap dad.

I am not sure contacting his Woman will help. It won’t make him suddenly become a decent human being - or love his children.

I think you need to accept he is an arse, make sure he contributes financially to his children’s lives and tell him either he has a relationship with both or neither. How he manages his relationship with his girlfriend is up to him - as long as both your children are treated the same. He sounds like the type who might drop in and take them to Mac Donald’s every few months. The girlfriend clearly does not see this is how one day he could treat her child.

Very sad,

DeepanKrispanEven · 31/12/2018 14:11

So your solution is to punish the older child with no contact because of his the fathers actions?

It wouldn't be OP doing that, it would be the father. She's perfectly happy to let the older child have contact so long as it is on the basis that the younger one also has contact. People are right, it will be extremely damaging to both if the current situation is allowed to continue.

The current partner is going to find out at some point anyway: your ex's relatives will mention your younger child, or she'll start querying why the ex doesn't ever see his older child at home, or will want her child to have a relationship with said child, or she'll find out that he's paying maintenance for two children. It would be better for all concerned, including your ex, if the current lies don't continue.

Starlight456 · 31/12/2018 14:19

I have no idea why people think op should pay to take ex to court for an order for her having to make the children available for contact and he can continue to not bother.

You have done the right thing telling him no.

I would log how often he has access.

I don’t. Think telling her will help the situation. I would send grad parents nice framed photo of both grandchildren

FiveStoryFire · 31/12/2018 15:06

You have nothing to feel ashamed about.

FiveStoryFire · 31/12/2018 15:08

I think this should all definitely be out in the open now. For the children's sake. These secrets can be very damaging in the long run.

Dollymixture22 · 31/12/2018 15:15

I have been thinking about this - have you ever met the other woman? How do you know she only knows about one child? Have your children met their half sibling?

It all sounds a little odd - does she even know about your older child? If his family know he has two other children, surley they will have told her?

Your little one should never be a secret. If you ever meet her talk about both children and make it clear he is both children’s dad.

whynotgetalong · 31/12/2018 15:24

I think you should tell her. How will you do this? I'm thinking if you phone, text, email or write her a letter she will say you're lying, she'll confront him, he'll deny everything and then what happens?

The children should know about all of their siblings and this OW needs to know what kind of man she's with. I don't think I'd want to be with someone who is effectively denying he has a child. Requests to see one child, but not the other? That's horrible.

If his family know about your second DC then I guess OW has NC with his family as well as NC with your eldest? Does this man have any other children that people don't know about?

OW might get mad and blame you, but she might stay with this man, maybe even marry this man and have further children without any idea of what's going on. Also, your children will grow up in a very dysfunctional situation with one child being 'claimed' and the other not and everyone in the 'know' keeping quite a large 'secret' which will probably come out at some point in all likelihood. Just tell OW OP, it's for the best in the long run. Whatever she chooses to do with the information is up to her.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/12/2018 16:41

OP, you say the OW knows about your older child. If that's the case, what explanation has your ex given her as to why their child isn't in contact with his older child? If I were in her position I'd be expecting contact between my child and his/her older half sibling.

I suspect your ex has fed OW a pack of lies about being desperate to see his older child but you have banned contact or some such rubbish.

I would tell her. It's in the best interests of all 3 children that there is honesty and that they have the opportunity to have a relationship with each other.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 31/12/2018 17:37

I have no advice on telling her. I think I would want to know but we don’t know how she will take it. Then again, that’s his mess to deal with. I think you are doing right by saying both or none at all. To prioritise one child and have the other witness that is wrong, emotionally damaging and can. Relate a divide between the siblings. If he refuses to see both then obviously that can create some dislike due to losing seeing their dad because of a sibling, even though it’s not the siblings fault that’s the reason. But I think that’s the lesser of two evils. What an awful situation and what a horrible father.

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