To tell the OW about his secret child?

[dancingtheresa]

I have name changed and I don’t want to be too specific in case outed...

I have a 2 year old and an older child. Their father also has a 2 year old with an other woman who he lives with. OW knows about our older child but I’ve now discovered that she is unaware the 2 year old exists.

We haven’t been together since I was pregnant and found out that he was in a relationship with OW. I’d been told that they were no longer together.

He never has the children regularly and never at his house, he won’t agree to any set days and times and the latest is that he wants to see the older child and not the younger.

I can’t help now thinking that this must be because he doesn’t want OW finding out about youngest DC, and that contact could be more regular if it was all out in the open.

AIBU to tell her?

I feel that OP may have unwittingly been the OW/2nd life for the past 12yrs. And he has likely been having several other primary relationships.

OP, what are your feelings about establishing a relationship between your children and their brother or sister? Is that a priority to you, or are you not that bothered? If not, I would not contact the OW about this at this time but wait and see as surely it's too big a secret to be kept for much longer.

I think I'd message OW asking if it was possible to arrange a play date with her child and your two children. That you think it might be nice for your children to get to know their sibling better.

Doing it that way tells OW about the two children without it looking like you know you are telling - just looks like you want to increase the sibling bond.

I can't help feeling it would be better for everyone if the fact of your youngest son was out in the open. The woman deserves the truth. He is being cowardly not telling her.

I know a family where there is a secret child. He would be in his late teens by now. One day he will turn up and ask questions. It will be dreadful for his half sisters and step mother, who have been lied to for years. I am still shocked the grandparents are happy to keep this a secret.

I think it should be out in the open, but ideally it should be he dad who tells his partner. You should not facilitate any conspiracy to keep your child a secret - but I am not sure you should actively contact his woman just to tell her.

You've only recently refused contact for one child. Give him a chance to tell her. Perhaps say that if he hasn't told her by x date, then you will?