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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think allowing our 2 year old to be taken out of the country without us for 2 weeks is an insane idea???

116 replies

InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:16

We have an 8 month old, for some reason she cries without fail if my MIL holds her even after being around her for multiple days. She's not like that with everyone but consistently has a meltdown with my MIL. We can't pinpoint the reason for this or why in turn for example she'll happily let partner's of family who she just met hold her for ages.

A couple of months ago MIL begged to have our daughter overnight. Well actually she wanted to take her to a different nearby country for a week, we said no, then she wanted 3 nights, we settled on 2. I thought it would give them a chance to bond and it's important to me that our daughter has a relationship with her GP's. As I was very close to my own.

She only managed 1 night because my MIL didn't follow our daughter's very simple nap and feed schedule, because she raised 3 kids and thinks she knows it all. Hmm

Fast forward to today. My husband says to his Mum that we're going to take our daughter to my home country (requires a long haul flight) for her first birthday to see my Mother and meet my extended family.

MIL says she has a great idea, that the next year and every other year after she should take our daughter alone (first time when she's 2 or less) to my home country and they can both stay with my Mother for a week or two. 🤔

While I sincerely hope our daughter and my MIL bond in the future; even if they have the closest GM/GC bond ever, taking her out of the country for at least a week or even two without us sounds like a ludicrous request?

Or am I missing something because I haven't had a toddler of my own yet? Won't my husband and I still pretty much be the center of our daughter's world at that age? Or do toddlers suddenly transform into globe trotters minus the parents at 2 years old?

My husband just gave a non-committal response to her and then asked how I felt about it.

I am not 100% sure IABR in saying "Nooooope." In part because I also can't bear the thought of being apart from my daughter for 1 or 2 weeks, which might be clouding my judgment. I also can't help but think that since it's been 18 years since she's cared for a 2 year old that she may have forgotten the reality of it.

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 31/12/2018 00:25

"MIL has had her kids she doesn't get to borrow yours. The answer is 'no'"

My husband and I have both gotten a weird vibe that she's jealous of what an easy baby our daughter is. 2 of her 3 were extremely difficult as babies and the 3rd went on to be a difficult teen. She didn't enjoy being a Mother when they were young and teens. Whereas I really enjoy it.

I am glad you can see this because that's exactly the vibe i get. It's just her suggestion sits very very uncomfortable. Even though she didn't enjoy her time with her babies, I wonder how she would have felt if her MIL suggested taking her baby to the other side of the world completely away from her??? I shudder. It's as if she's thinking ''I'll just practise on this one because my babies at this age appeared to be broken''

I am glad you are no pushover Xmas Wink

Gth1234 · 31/12/2018 00:54

it's your child. Why would any mother want to let their baby go out of the country with anyone, even for a just a day. Babysitting is one thing, but this sounds crazy to me.

StuffingSandwich · 31/12/2018 09:30

I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in thinking her idea was crazy

It wouldn't actually matter if every single person on here thought you were being unreasonable. It is your opinion on this that matters. Not ours.

Your baby is sending you obvious signals; it's not what you wanted. If we'd all said you were being unreasonable, would you have gone against your instincts and let your MIL take her away?

StuffingSandwich · 31/12/2018 09:33

I have a daughter. She was the first girl born into the family in 100 years! We had to put a stop to MIL babysitting in the early days because she kept unnecessarily changing her nappy and inviting others to do so, so proud she was of having a granddaughter.

But my daughter's body was not something for her grandmother to proudly show off!

She soon learnt.

But my exhusband and I worked that out for ourselves - we didn't even tell anyone else. That is why people have drawn the conclusion that you are finding it difficult to assert yourself as a parent. Some stuff is just fucking obvious.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 31/12/2018 09:35

No disrespect but your MIL sounds fucking nuts. GPs can bond with their GC without needing solo holidays, overnights etc.

For what it's worth, nobody will be taking our little one on holiday, apart from us. I find it very weird when grandparents almost want to relive the parenting part of their life by commandeering grandkids.

70sbaubles · 31/12/2018 09:37

If this is scottish borders and durham or chester and north wales then your title is OTT, it sounds like theyre jetting to australia!!

MoaningSickness · 31/12/2018 09:38

We had a family holiday booked that I am no longer able to go on, and I briefly toyed with the idea of DH taking my then 2 year old (my mum and dad would also be there), but quickly realised there was no way I could spend a week without seeing DC.

And that's with the people I trust most in this world!

GabriellaMontez · 31/12/2018 09:42

Just put a stop to all this now. And any overnights until your daughter is more comfortable with her.

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2018 09:43

This sounds batshit. Why would you send your baby away overnight or on holiday for MIL to play mummy? The needs of the baby should come first, they aren't dolls.

Your MIL sounds totally psycho and you need some boundaries.

Ozgirl75 · 31/12/2018 09:54

My children are 6 and 8 and have a good ish bond with their grandparents. They’ve stayed twice a year for two nights and the 8 year old says that’s enough for him. I would never have sent them off for 2 weeks and especially not at 2. The earliest they stayed was 3 so that they could tell them things they did and didn’t want.

Original poster
InsaneNTheMembrane · 31/12/2018 11:23

@70sbaubles

"If this is scottish borders and durham or chester and north wales then your title is OTT, it sounds like theyre jetting to australia!!"

None of those, my home country is the U.S. Shortest flights are 8.5 hours from here not including, the 1.5 hour trip to the airport all the pre and post flight stuff and border control which takes ages for even a U.S. citizen to get into the country.

OP posts:
70sbaubles · 31/12/2018 11:33

Blimey in which case YANBU. The MIL sounds pushy and hard work x

Coldtoes28 · 31/12/2018 12:05

NOPE

messyhousetidymind · 31/12/2018 12:21

I dont think prolonged separations are very good for infants if there's a choice. What counts as prolonged to an infant am not sure.

Obvs some circumstances are unavoidable necessity (eg if baby's mum unwell) but wouldn't choose it if another option

Suggest you try to get to bottom of why MIL is suggesting these things (in her mind)

Trying to be a good grandparent?
Trying to give you a break?
Trying to replicate something you had with your grandparents?

And then try to find a different way for her to help and meet these needs. Or she will just keeping suggesting these ideas!

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2018 12:50

I really don't get how people like your MIL rationalize these things in their heads

Surfskatefamily · 31/12/2018 12:55

Its a bit strange. Sounds like mil is struggling to understand this is not her baby. Im all for good grabdparent relationships but im not even likely doing an over night for years to come

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