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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think allowing our 2 year old to be taken out of the country without us for 2 weeks is an insane idea???

116 replies

InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:16

We have an 8 month old, for some reason she cries without fail if my MIL holds her even after being around her for multiple days. She's not like that with everyone but consistently has a meltdown with my MIL. We can't pinpoint the reason for this or why in turn for example she'll happily let partner's of family who she just met hold her for ages.

A couple of months ago MIL begged to have our daughter overnight. Well actually she wanted to take her to a different nearby country for a week, we said no, then she wanted 3 nights, we settled on 2. I thought it would give them a chance to bond and it's important to me that our daughter has a relationship with her GP's. As I was very close to my own.

She only managed 1 night because my MIL didn't follow our daughter's very simple nap and feed schedule, because she raised 3 kids and thinks she knows it all. Hmm

Fast forward to today. My husband says to his Mum that we're going to take our daughter to my home country (requires a long haul flight) for her first birthday to see my Mother and meet my extended family.

MIL says she has a great idea, that the next year and every other year after she should take our daughter alone (first time when she's 2 or less) to my home country and they can both stay with my Mother for a week or two. 🤔

While I sincerely hope our daughter and my MIL bond in the future; even if they have the closest GM/GC bond ever, taking her out of the country for at least a week or even two without us sounds like a ludicrous request?

Or am I missing something because I haven't had a toddler of my own yet? Won't my husband and I still pretty much be the center of our daughter's world at that age? Or do toddlers suddenly transform into globe trotters minus the parents at 2 years old?

My husband just gave a non-committal response to her and then asked how I felt about it.

I am not 100% sure IABR in saying "Nooooope." In part because I also can't bear the thought of being apart from my daughter for 1 or 2 weeks, which might be clouding my judgment. I also can't help but think that since it's been 18 years since she's cared for a 2 year old that she may have forgotten the reality of it.

OP posts:
Soconfusedbylife · 29/12/2018 23:19

You don’t sound comfortable with it so should listen to that. Some people will happily let that happen. Others won’t. I am one of those parents who wants my children with me so I wouldn’t allow it. But that’s what I feel comfortable with and that’s ok. As my children get older I keep rethinking but I’m not ready and neither are they so they stay with me.

Orlande · 29/12/2018 23:20

Yes, it's insane.

But did you really send your six month old baby to stay with someone she doesn't even like for two nights?? That's pretty odd too.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 29/12/2018 23:21

She sounds nuts. There is no way I’d want a 2 year old (or even a 5-6 year old) spending two weeks at a stretch away from both parents, especially not with someone who hasn’t yet bonded with her well. I would just not respond and if pushed would say let’s deal with it when it comes.

Stars1979 · 29/12/2018 23:21

Why does she want to do this without you anyway? Can’t she just go if she wants to next time you go with your child? I wouldn’t like it but it’s completely your decision.

Owlettele · 29/12/2018 23:21

Yanbu this idea sounds crazy. There is a huge difference between 1 night locally and an international flight away !! At 2 you are definitely still the centre of Lo's universe and any upset would need you.

Seems such a strange response to your news that you were going?!!

KatnissMellark · 29/12/2018 23:21

Absolutely no way

StartingGrid · 29/12/2018 23:23

She sounds unhinged.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 29/12/2018 23:23

Yanbu

BaronessBomburst · 29/12/2018 23:23

I wouldn't let my 8 year old spend two weeks abroad without me without a damn good reason - and he wouldn't want to go either. The idea is nuts.

BanginChoons · 29/12/2018 23:23

You need to learn to say no! Your child relies on you to advocate for them, stop letting other people decide who looks after them and for how long.

Maelstrop · 29/12/2018 23:23

Don't let your mil bully you into this and absolutely no, don't let her have your child who won't settle with her overnight, it's cruel.

PatPhoenix · 29/12/2018 23:24

Utterly crazy. When a parent 'can't bear' something it's usually for a damn good reason. You know all those 'listen to your instinct' advice pieces, and you start off thinking 'what is my instinct, I don't think I have one'? Well, you have one, and it is screaming at you.

My ds spent a week with his grandparents when he was 8 years old and I struggled with that tbh.

I would just nod and smile though. Who knows, in about ten years it might be a great plan. Just keep kicking it down the road to an indefinite rosy future.

needsahouseboy · 29/12/2018 23:25

I’m a slack arse parent whose DS has stayed with my mum overnight from 4 weeks old and regularly from 5 months due to work but no way would I agree to this.

It’s really bizarre that’s she’s even asking for this

ShovingLeopard · 29/12/2018 23:25

Why's she got to have her without you being there?

SpiritedLondon · 29/12/2018 23:26

I’m with Orlande. I wouldn’t have sent my DD for one night even if they did not have a fabulous bond ( and personally not even then). Sometimes children take against someone for no obvious reason.... maybe they have glasses or bushy eyebrows that the baby dislikes. Who knows. In any event it would be a big fat no from me. Besides that why is she keen to go without you and does your DM even want her turning up for that amount of time?

madmum5811 · 29/12/2018 23:26

My friends did not allow their children to visit the home country for a visit without them until they were eight years of age if that is any help. They also went at a certain time of year when the weather was cooler.

Evidencebased · 29/12/2018 23:27

Definitely bonkers.
Definitely don't do it.
Don't do it until

  • they have a really strong bond: traumatising your v you g child will not form any bond at all
  • until child is verbal enough to articulate their needs
  • until child is old enough to speak to you on phone
  • until they've spent similar length of time alone together, successfully, nearby, where you can swoop in if it's not working
  • until she's prepared to follow your instructions about your child

I could go on...
But really, this is probably an insane idea, until child is old enough to say whether they want this.

I'm all for GPs being close, and having their own relationship with child. But maybe at 7? 8?

HollyandIvyarelivingitupagain · 29/12/2018 23:27

I wouldn't let my dd go to anyone when she was young.The first time she went away
for anything other than a sleepover without me or exh was for a PLG at school aged 7.
YANBU to say no.What is it on mums net that grandparents like to whip their grandchildren away from parents.

Guineapiglet345 · 29/12/2018 23:27

No way! She’s had her turn with her own children and you’d be a nervous wreck for those 2 weeks, and god forbid but what if something happened and you were a long haul flight away?

Original poster
InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:28

@Orlande

"But did you really send your six month old baby to stay with someone she doesn't even like for two nights?? That's pretty odd too."

Actually now that I think about it before the overnight she usually was just a bit upset for a few hours with my MIL then was fine. I didn't think that 2 months later she could remember her overnight there. 🤔

OP posts:
pineapplebryanbrown · 29/12/2018 23:28

It really depends on the bond. I lived with my parents when I had my eldest so he was almost as happy with them as with me. They often took him on holiday without me but not till about 5/6 i don't think. And that was a child who had lived with them and often got in their bed for stories etc. The answer from me is no - not for years.

MuncheysMummy · 29/12/2018 23:28

All i can say say is I have a 2year old who is obsessed by my dad his grandpa he is his favourite person in the world. He talks about his grandpa non stop and sees his almost every day they are best friends... BUT if he hurts himself it’s me he wants and grandpa rushes him to me and hands him over for cuddles and only mummy can kiss him better 🤷‍♀️ He cries until I’ve reassured and comforted him. No way would my dad take him away without me even given their close bond.

kaytee87 · 29/12/2018 23:29

I wouldn't want my 2yo away from me for the that long, no matter who he was with.

itswinetime · 29/12/2018 23:29

Surely if anyone is going to see your mum with your daughter each year it would be you?

Awrite · 29/12/2018 23:29

I'm with @Orlande - can't believe you allowed your small baby to stay overnight with someone she wasn't comfortable with, let alone actively disliked.

Get now sorted before worrying about 16 months down the line.

There is no need for overnights until you are both ready. Emphasis being on your child's needs.

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