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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think allowing our 2 year old to be taken out of the country without us for 2 weeks is an insane idea???

116 replies

InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:16

We have an 8 month old, for some reason she cries without fail if my MIL holds her even after being around her for multiple days. She's not like that with everyone but consistently has a meltdown with my MIL. We can't pinpoint the reason for this or why in turn for example she'll happily let partner's of family who she just met hold her for ages.

A couple of months ago MIL begged to have our daughter overnight. Well actually she wanted to take her to a different nearby country for a week, we said no, then she wanted 3 nights, we settled on 2. I thought it would give them a chance to bond and it's important to me that our daughter has a relationship with her GP's. As I was very close to my own.

She only managed 1 night because my MIL didn't follow our daughter's very simple nap and feed schedule, because she raised 3 kids and thinks she knows it all. Hmm

Fast forward to today. My husband says to his Mum that we're going to take our daughter to my home country (requires a long haul flight) for her first birthday to see my Mother and meet my extended family.

MIL says she has a great idea, that the next year and every other year after she should take our daughter alone (first time when she's 2 or less) to my home country and they can both stay with my Mother for a week or two. 🤔

While I sincerely hope our daughter and my MIL bond in the future; even if they have the closest GM/GC bond ever, taking her out of the country for at least a week or even two without us sounds like a ludicrous request?

Or am I missing something because I haven't had a toddler of my own yet? Won't my husband and I still pretty much be the center of our daughter's world at that age? Or do toddlers suddenly transform into globe trotters minus the parents at 2 years old?

My husband just gave a non-committal response to her and then asked how I felt about it.

I am not 100% sure IABR in saying "Nooooope." In part because I also can't bear the thought of being apart from my daughter for 1 or 2 weeks, which might be clouding my judgment. I also can't help but think that since it's been 18 years since she's cared for a 2 year old that she may have forgotten the reality of it.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 23:30

Poor baby. How would the dc feel if suddenly her mum and dad disappeared and she was left alone with a woman she doesn't like in a place she doesn't know? That's just cruel.

AntiHop · 29/12/2018 23:32

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

Thequaffle · 29/12/2018 23:32

Nope. All the nope.

willyloman · 29/12/2018 23:34

No way. She sounds strange. You sound uncomfortable with idea. Don't do it.

Original poster
InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:35

I don't think small babies actively dislike people, a wariness of strangers phase is very common though. As I said before the crying any time my MIL tries to hold her only started after the overnight. Before it was more a temporary wariness.

OP posts:
Original poster
InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:39

@itswinetime

"Surely if anyone is going to see your mum with your daughter each year it would be you?"

Not sure we can afford it airfare is about £850 each. My Mother offered to pay for it for the upcoming visit, but it's most likely a one time thing.

I also don't think my MIL has considered whether or not my Mother would actually want her to stay there. They met each other for 2 days this year and occasionally talk on FB messenger but that's it.

OP posts:
whiteworld · 29/12/2018 23:39

Why the fuck would your mil take your dc to visit YOUR family? That’s none of her business. She's Just sticking her beak 8n and interfering.

Just look incredulous and ask, why would I want you to take dc to see my family? I miss them and I want to see them!

Cherries101 · 29/12/2018 23:40

I started taking my dn abroad on regular business trips (duration: 2 weeks to 1 month) from 2 weeks old. By the time she was 2 she’d gone through 2 passports! I still take her and her dbro on 1 or 2 fortnight holidays a year and her parents will take her on 1 or 2. We’re really close now. Appreciate you might not agree with it but parents who do aren’t being neligent — these types of holidays can help build relationships and also confidence through exposure to different personalities.

delboysskinandblister · 29/12/2018 23:42

It's a bad idea. And your daughter knows it too Xmas Grin ad that's why she doesn't like being held by MIL.

MIL has had her kids she doesn't get to borrow yours. The answer is 'no'

GreenMeerkat · 29/12/2018 23:43

Yes it's insane. YANBU.

My MIL lives abroad and there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd let my DC stay there alone.

anniehm · 29/12/2018 23:44

It sounds kind of odd. I wouldn't say crazy, there's lots of good reasons why this could work for you as a family eg if you are both working but it's really presumptive. Take things steady, involve your mil but also use your gut instinct, as your DD's welfare comes first.

I did leave my then 3 year old with my mother who she barely knew (do to us living overseas) so we could go and complete our house purchase and buy some beds! (She was fine, Nanna bought her a bike!) but we prepped them for weeks prior talking about the big move and she had her big sister (who did remember her grandparents).

kaytee87 · 29/12/2018 23:44

@Cherries101 you started regularly taking your niece away from 2 weeks old for up to 4 weeks at a time??!

That's utterly bizarre. I'd have been frantic to have been separated from my newborn for that length of time. The thought makes me feel ill actually.

Excited101 · 29/12/2018 23:44

Come on op, this overnight thing of your MIL is an obsession! Nip it in the bud, don’t entertain it as a concept. Treat it as a non issue because that’s what it is. You’re the parent, you make the decisions. MIL is being weird, don’t collude with it.

Original poster
InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:45

@Cherries101

I don't think it's negligent parenting. My great-grandparents did all of the childcare for my sister and me. They took us on loads of day trips and overnights but we were a 5 minute drive from my Mother. They never took us out of town overnight until I think I was 6 or 7 and it was just to a different part of the same state.

OP posts:
Bambamber · 29/12/2018 23:46

Fuck.no.

Genevieva · 29/12/2018 23:50

This is obsessive behaviour. Hopefully she will calm down once your baby starts to grow up a bit more, but in the mean time you will have to make sure you don't let politeness squash your instinct. Relationships with grandparents develop over time and do not require babies to be removed from their parents.

Your mother would probably be disappointed by your MiL's crazy suggestion. If I were hee, being a GM in a different country, time with my DD and GD would be extremely precious. I wouldn't want to host my DD's MiL and miss out on seeing my DD.

Cherries101 · 29/12/2018 23:50

@kaytee87 - if you had such severe pnd just the sight of your dd made you want to kill yourself you might think differently.

ILuvBirdsEye · 29/12/2018 23:50

Insane idea.

Original poster
InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:51

@delboysskinandblister

"MIL has had her kids she doesn't get to borrow yours. The answer is 'no'"

My husband and I have both gotten a weird vibe that she's jealous of what an easy baby our daughter is. 2 of her 3 were extremely difficult as babies and the 3rd went on to be a difficult teen. She didn't enjoy being a Mother when they were young and teens. Whereas I really enjoy it.

OP posts:
Ngaio2 · 29/12/2018 23:53

Your DD’s overwhelming feeling will be one of rejection by you. At 2 she will not be able to understand any explanations. Little children are built for survival and you should not discount your DDs instinctive rejection of your MIL. Logical or not they are her feelings.
I’d be disturbed by this woman’s obsession to have your DD to herself. Very strange

ThatPeskyElf · 29/12/2018 23:55

Nope no way...
My dd wouldn’t want to be away from home without me for 2 wks now and she’s 13!

Leeds2 · 29/12/2018 23:55

Just no. And tell her, before she starts making plans, possibly involving your mother, and you will find it even harder to back out.

Missingstreetlife · 29/12/2018 23:59

Why get in a state about this now?

kaytee87 · 30/12/2018 00:01

@Cherries101 so do you not think that situation is out of the ordinary and not really relevant to this thread? Op doesn't mention that she has pnd or that she wants to be away from her child. You talked about taking a 2 week old baby away from its parents on holiday as if it's normal - when clearly it isn't.

Crunchymum · 30/12/2018 00:02

The only saving grace is that she wants to take the child to your mum's. Although not sure how your mum would feel about the random person turning up!!!

It's all a bit full on isn't it???