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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think allowing our 2 year old to be taken out of the country without us for 2 weeks is an insane idea???

116 replies

InsaneNTheMembrane · 29/12/2018 23:16

We have an 8 month old, for some reason she cries without fail if my MIL holds her even after being around her for multiple days. She's not like that with everyone but consistently has a meltdown with my MIL. We can't pinpoint the reason for this or why in turn for example she'll happily let partner's of family who she just met hold her for ages.

A couple of months ago MIL begged to have our daughter overnight. Well actually she wanted to take her to a different nearby country for a week, we said no, then she wanted 3 nights, we settled on 2. I thought it would give them a chance to bond and it's important to me that our daughter has a relationship with her GP's. As I was very close to my own.

She only managed 1 night because my MIL didn't follow our daughter's very simple nap and feed schedule, because she raised 3 kids and thinks she knows it all.

Fast forward to today. My husband says to his Mum that we're going to take our daughter to my home country (requires a long haul flight) for her first birthday to see my Mother and meet my extended family.

MIL says she has a great idea, that the next year and every other year after she should take our daughter alone (first time when she's 2 or less) to my home country and they can both stay with my Mother for a week or two. 🤔

While I sincerely hope our daughter and my MIL bond in the future; even if they have the closest GM/GC bond ever, taking her out of the country for at least a week or even two without us sounds like a ludicrous request?

Or am I missing something because I haven't had a toddler of my own yet? Won't my husband and I still pretty much be the center of our daughter's world at that age? Or do toddlers suddenly transform into globe trotters minus the parents at 2 years old?

My husband just gave a non-committal response to her and then asked how I felt about it.

I am not 100% sure IABR in saying "Nooooope." In part because I also can't bear the thought of being apart from my daughter for 1 or 2 weeks, which might be clouding my judgment. I also can't help but think that since it's been 18 years since she's cared for a 2 year old that she may have forgotten the reality of it.

OP posts:

Thehop · 30/12/2018 05:50

My kids don’t sleep out until they ask.

blackcat86 · 30/12/2018 06:41

Absolutely no. The overnight didn't go well and she disregards your DDs routines. She couldn't cope with her own kids and now wants to impose on your DM. Not a hope. MIL needs to make an effort to foster a good relationship with your daughter, which means actually meeting her needs rather than how your MIL wants them to be like overnights and trips when she clearly won't be ready. Some relatives seem to think there will be a magical bond simply because the baby shares their DNA but babies don't actually care about that.

I always use the phrase with my PIL that they need to meet DD where she is not where they would like her to be. They would like her to have purely educational wooden toys but at 4 months she doesn't give a crap about them. She wants lights, colour and noise, and I've been clear that she's allowed to have her own preferences.

QueenieIsLost · 30/12/2018 07:21

I am one of the most relaxed person when it comes to leaving my dcs with family.

But it would be big No-No for me too.
It’s just totally impractical.
She didn’t manage to look after her for two night but want to go away for two weeks.
Knowing she is struggling to look after your dd, she wants to take her in a long haul flight as a toddler 😂😂😂. I mean most parents recoil at the idea of a long haul flight with a toddler because they know it can be really hard work. She is crazy in that one (and I’d rather not be one of the other passengers!)
She wants to stay with your family for two weeks wo even talking to your own family....
And why, why wouod she go and see them? If she wants to bond with her grand child, then I think spending time with her in her own surrounding makes much more sense?

EdtheBear · 30/12/2018 07:48

Big fat No from me. Multiple reasons, too long, too far, too soon.

That's before you start thinking how bazaar the suggestion is. I'm sure your family would rather see you than your MIL.
Is your family going to get time alone with ILs or are you going to have 2 grannies squabbling like kids, my turn you fed her last time.

Is MIL actually just looking for an excuse to visit your country?

EdtheBear · 30/12/2018 07:49

That was meant to read "time alone with LO" not IL's

CantWaitToRetire · 30/12/2018 08:08

Personally I would not have wanted my children away from me for a week or two when they were young children, especially so far away where I couldn’t get to them quickly if needed.

I wonder what the dynamic would be if your MIL stayed with your mother (assuming your mother would even want her there). As your MIL probably sees your DD more often, and would be the one accompanying DD overseas, would she want to be dominant and not let your DM have quality time with her, or try to take over every time your DM tried to comfort or interact with your DD?

It would be a no for me for sure.

TakeMe2Insanity · 30/12/2018 08:15

DC is 3. We’ve done 12 long haul travel segments while he was 2. Grandma has clearly forgotten what it like to travel with large lap sitting toddler or a toddler who doesn’t like the look of the person across the aisle and refuses to sit in his seat. I’m sure your daughter will be great but part of me thinks she has a disney vision of the situation. I’d send grandma alone and give your daughter plenty of sweets.

Really though, it is totally not on. Ignore. Does she generally visit your mum?

Fundays12 · 30/12/2018 08:22

No way would I allow this to happen. My nearly 7 year old has been away overnight once a year on average to my mums. my 2 year old has been away for 1 night since he was born. I trust my mum but my kids need me.

Booboostwo · 30/12/2018 08:23

Neither of my DCs would have in any way enjoyed this as toddlers. For this kind of extended stay away from parents I think DCs have to be old enough to understand what will happen, how long for and have a choice to come back early.

The only family I know where this kind of thing work so out is a friend’s whose ILs provided full time childcare from 3mo until school. Their DCs happily went on holiday with the ILs but that’s a completely different arrangement.

nothinglikeadame · 30/12/2018 08:27

I think you now realise you shouldn't have let your DC have the first spell with your MIL, so please dont get bullied or pressured into this bizarre plan that follows no logic whatsoever.

I find people who are over confident and blase about childcare make the worse carers as well.

tempester28 · 30/12/2018 08:40

There are several issues here:

It is quite a way off - the period you are talking about - so things and feelings may change before then.

Your Mum may not appreciate your MIL staying for two weeks? and even so would she not prefer to have time with her grandaughter and be the only Gran that week if she does not see her as often as your MIL

If she has a meltdown while with your MIL I wouldn't let her stay overnight until she is older. The Meltdowns may be that she assocciates your MIL with being away from her her parents and she is obviously not comfortable with that

BaeBae · 30/12/2018 09:25

No no no

diddl · 30/12/2018 09:50

MIL can have as many ideas as she likes.

You don't have to agree to any of them.

Mind you, I think that it's very odd that you handed over your 6onth old just because MIL asked.

Original poster

InsaneNTheMembrane · 30/12/2018 14:16

We didn't hand our daughter over just because she asked. My husband and I felt like it might be good for us to have some time alone together. Our daughter wasn't like she is now with my MIL then. I talked to my psychologist about it as well.

Due to my own childhood I know I'm susceptible to being overprotective and worry about smothering her. That's why I find it helpful occasionally to get the opinions of other parents on things like this.

OP posts:

GraduationDilemma · 30/12/2018 14:28

Trust your instinct. You know your daughter best. Her happiness and needs totally over rules those of your MIL. It's your job to look out for and protect your little one because she hasn't a voice.

She is your daughter not family property to be shared about. If you say no it's a no.

I remember a grabby relative almost snatching my crying newborn from my arms to presumably show me how to comfort him and it stunned me - I passively let them but then later was fuming. Im the parent - hands off!

Original poster

InsaneNTheMembrane · 30/12/2018 14:39

Well just laid out MIL's plan to my Mother who responded with "😂😂😂😂😂"

Then said she's not entertaining my MIL.

I also suggested my Mother just visit us on the years we can't visit her if she is able to and wants to.

Problem solved.

OP posts:

MulledWineAndCamembert · 30/12/2018 14:57

Problem solved.

Actually, it's not.

This particular situation has a comfortable solution for you that has been provided by someone else.

You haven't taken control of the situaiton or managed your mother in law's expectations.

It's only a matter of time before you have a similar concern and no resources to deal with it.

MulledWineAndCamembert · 30/12/2018 14:57

It's only a matter of time before you have a similar concern and still have no resources to deal with it.

diddl · 30/12/2018 15:03

"We didn't hand our daughter over just because she asked."

Would her visiting overnight have occurred to you though if it hadn't been suggested?

" I know I'm susceptible to being overprotective "

She's 8months old!

Drum2018 · 30/12/2018 15:07

Glad that problem is solved but be prepared for many more requests in the future and understand that No is a reasonable and acceptable answer without any further explanation or apology.

XmasPostmanBos · 30/12/2018 15:09

Yes I think the problem is your MiL will continue to want to take your dd on extended visits and holidays which you may not feel comfortable with. It would be better to tell her you aren't happy with dd being away from you for so long and so far away. No need to be personal and say it is about MiL as it is unlikely anyone else would want to do this, especially since your own dm won't be able to do any childcare as she lives abroad anyway. So you can just say you don't want anyone to take her on extended overnight visits and daytime visits are all you feel comfortable with for now.

helpmum2003 · 30/12/2018 15:16

This probably doesn't apply but parents whose relatives live in a country/area where FGM is practised should be careful about letting DDs be taken away without them.

EdtheBear · 30/12/2018 15:25

Op I don't mean to be hard but I agree the problem isn't solved.

By even getting as far as asking your mother, basically what you've implied to MIL is Yes your happy for her to take your child for 2 weeks and Yes to a long distance flight.

Ensure when you tell MIL that its not happening that you are not happy with the idea and nor is your mother.

Original poster

InsaneNTheMembrane · 30/12/2018 22:39

I'm not a pushover. I didn't ask my Mother about it, I shared with her what my MIL had cooked up in her head without consulting anyone. I just wanted to see if her response was her finding it amusing and silly to even propose such a thing and without any direct discussion with me or my Mother about it and she'd clearly been planning it before talking to my husband even about it. My Mother was very amused by the absurdity of it all.

I have no problem saying no to either of our Mothers if it doesn't suit us or they're offering their opinion without us asking or giving other unwanted advice and we've both done so numerous times. This isn't her first weird idea we've said no to.

I think some posters are confused as to what my original question was as they have assumed I can't or won't stand up for myself or our daughter.

I wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in thinking her idea was crazy. I asked this because this is our first child, I don't know it all, and I feel very biased against the idea and my MIL. I don't dislike my MIL but shes been extremely difficult since I gave birth and I now quickly find her exhausting to be around. Hence my feeling biased against her and most of her ideas.

The overwhelming view of others is that I'm not being unreasonable in thinking it's a crazy idea. So any personal bias I have is irrelevant.

The current problem Is resolved by my Mother saying no to my MIL staying there. I do think my MIL may alter her "plans" and come up with an equally silly proposal which we'll say no to as we've done in the past.

OP posts:

Eliza9917 · 30/12/2018 23:33

Yanbu to think she's crazy. Why the fuck would she think it's acceptable? Doesnt she think you would like to see your own mother?

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