To think allowing our 2 year old to be taken out of the country without us for 2 weeks is an insane idea???

[InsaneNTheMembrane]

We have an 8 month old, for some reason she cries without fail if my MIL holds her even after being around her for multiple days. She's not like that with everyone but consistently has a meltdown with my MIL. We can't pinpoint the reason for this or why in turn for example she'll happily let partner's of family who she just met hold her for ages.

A couple of months ago MIL begged to have our daughter overnight. Well actually she wanted to take her to a different nearby country for a week, we said no, then she wanted 3 nights, we settled on 2. I thought it would give them a chance to bond and it's important to me that our daughter has a relationship with her GP's. As I was very close to my own.

She only managed 1 night because my MIL didn't follow our daughter's very simple nap and feed schedule, because she raised 3 kids and thinks she knows it all.

Fast forward to today. My husband says to his Mum that we're going to take our daughter to my home country (requires a long haul flight) for her first birthday to see my Mother and meet my extended family.

MIL says she has a great idea, that the next year and every other year after she should take our daughter alone (first time when she's 2 or less) to my home country and they can both stay with my Mother for a week or two. 🤔

While I sincerely hope our daughter and my MIL bond in the future; even if they have the closest GM/GC bond ever, taking her out of the country for at least a week or even two without us sounds like a ludicrous request?

Or am I missing something because I haven't had a toddler of my own yet? Won't my husband and I still pretty much be the center of our daughter's world at that age? Or do toddlers suddenly transform into globe trotters minus the parents at 2 years old?

My husband just gave a non-committal response to her and then asked how I felt about it.

I am not 100% sure IABR in saying "Nooooope." In part because I also can't bear the thought of being apart from my daughter for 1 or 2 weeks, which might be clouding my judgment. I also can't help but think that since it's been 18 years since she's cared for a 2 year old that she may have forgotten the reality of it.

NO WAY!!

Your mil has had 3 children. Time for her to back away. She’s had her turn. It’s yours now.

My dd is 10 and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this arrangement at her age. And why would your mil visit your family?? A loving grandparent would pay for you to go if she wanted to part with any money. This is a very odd suggestion.

I wouldn't even entertain this idea.

It feels totally wrong (to me).

So it would be an immediate no.

I can't believe you sent your 6 month old to stay overnight potentially for 2 nights just because MiL wanted to have her!

The trouble with MN is that the default assumption is that everyone is British and brings up their children 'that way'. Is there a cultural reason your MiL is so involved?

This is o e of those situations where your MIL has already had her children and needs to butt out.

Be assertive for your child. The woman has no business taking over until you decide that they have a good enough relationship for it to be OK.

Cherries it's hardly the same is it. You took your niece and nephew away because their mother was ill. Not sure how you manage a business trip with a 2 wo but irrespective, you weren't holidaying for fun, they couldn't be home.

OP is happily taking care of her child.

OP"just say sorry, no. We're the overnights your idea or hers? Unless you need childcare or sleep she doesn't need sleepovers at that age.

I think after writing this all down and reading the responses I can see clearly that her idea is bizarre at best, controlling at worst. Even if we can't visit my family every year I feel that we should be the ones to take our daughter to see them.

@Nanny0gg

"The trouble with MN is that the default assumption is that everyone is British and brings up their children 'that way'. Is there a cultural reason your MiL is so involved?"

She is British, I'm not. I think she finds this normal because her Mum came over almost every day when her children were babies because my MIL couldn't cope alone. I needed help initially because of my MH problems being set off by being in the hospital for awhile before giving birth. I've recovered well and haven't felt a desire or need for help from anyone other than my husband for months.

I should add the help we needed consisted of MIL staying at ours for 6 days split into 2 visits and getting up with our daughter when we visited her once a month about 4 times so we could sleep. We really appreciated it but it's not been needed for about 5 months now.

It doesn't matter what we think - you are her mother - trust your instincts and do what you think is best.

No chance! It's such a crazy idea

It's a bonkers idea. I think I'd just pretend the conversation never happened and politely declined if she just brings it up again.

Your daughter has made it clear she doesn't like your MIL so why allow your child to suffer your MIL on her own? It is just cruel.

I do know kids - some now adults - who have spent time alone with their grandparents in a different country including spending entire school holidays with them, but they actually like being with their grandparents.

Please listen to your child.

I used to go on holiday with my grandparents for a week or so at a time from the age of about four, but they were very heavily involved in my upbringing - I spent multiple nights with them from a very young age, as my dad was in the Navy and my mum often had to travel for business, so they were 'second parents'.

This, however, sounds mental.

Just say no, that's not something we'd be comfortable with. My DD is 4.5. Never spent a night without at least one of us and I'm still debating whether to do for one overnigh with her godparents who have a similar aged child.

It's your family, you decide with your DH what is ok for you.

People think that children can't remember things so it doesn't affect them. Not true, they remember emotionally. Many people are very damaged by abuse which happens when they are pre verbal, and it is hard to process later.
Not saying your child is abused but you risk traumatising them.
What is this fashion for children been lent out to family members in a way you wouldn't even lend your car.
If they already have a close relationship that's a different thing, but the normal pattern for seeing young children is with their parent. Yes it is different if you see them alone, but you have to build up that trust

So she couldn't cope with her own kids but you are letting her have a go with yours. Let your mum come here to see you all.
Really can't say any more, give your head a shake

Nope. That’s too long and why would she have to take them away by herself anyway? Why not with you? My DC hadn’t even had overnight stays with someone else at 2.

@Cherries101 - If you took your DN on trips from 2 weeks old which lasted from 2 weeks to 4 weeks and these were so frequent that they went through 2 passports by the age of 2, then they could hardly have seen their parents at all. You mention that there was PND, and it sounds like you were the de facto parent in this situation. That’s not usual and not ideal for a parent who wants to bond with their child although I appreciate there was a medical reason here.

This is bonkers.

What part of the woodwork do these insane Grandmothers hang out in? Is there a name for this syndrome?

Babies are not for playing pretend games with or for living out some fantasy with or for reliving your youth with.

Absolutely no.

I don't hold with small babies having sleepovers either TBH. Did you feel pressured into letting her have her overnight.

I cannot stand relatives treating babies like toys to be shared. Your DD is a small baby who needs to be in her home cared for by her parents. It is not her job to provide entertainment for selfish women who want to play dollies.

I don't think the idea in the abstract is insane, but in your case it seems to be. In some families, grandparents or others are primary carers and a toddler could be quite happy enough for a few weeks with a grandparent as with their parent. But in your case that bond isn't there and it's madness to talk about anything like that until it is. Your DH's noncommittal response seems like the way forward until such time (if ever) that your DC would actually enjoy and benefit from that sort of time with their GPs.

I don't think small babies actively dislike people, a wariness of strangers phase is very common though. As I said before the crying any time my MIL tries to hold her only started after the overnight. Before it was more a temporary wariness.

This is precisely the reason why you shouldn't let it happen.

Your child is quite clearly telling you how she feels about your MIL. Good parenting is about listening to what your child is telling you as much as anything else! You don't need to canvas the opinions of strangers - your daughter is telling you, "no".

As someone else said, it's your job to advocate for your child. She is clearly communicating that she doesn't want to even be held by this person so why would you even entertain sending her away with her?

Your mils mother was heavily involved with rearing her children because she didn’t cope well. What’s changed to make her / you think she’s all of a sudden able to cope with caring for a child, who isn’t even her own?

I do wonder if she feels as though she missed out on the sole parenting and is trying to get this experience with your dd. Idk if it’s because she truly didn’t cope or if her mother just muscled in. But that is her history and not your responsibility to give her the experiences she craves. Your child is not a doll.

@MulledWineAndCamembert has it in a nutshell

*You don't need to canvas the opinions of strangers - your daughter is telling you, "no".

As someone else said, it's your job to advocate for your child. She is clearly communicating that she doesn't want to even be held by this person so why would you even entertain sending her away with her?*

No no no no no no no no no no no !!!!
NO WAY is my child going to stay with anyone else at this age.
I’m sorry if there’s a cultural thing here, and I really don’t want to be disrespectful but............
There is absolutely no way on this earth that I would find this even vaguely acceptable

I didn't let my dc go to their dad's for more than 2 nights until they were about 8 and he took them on holiday after many years of begging by dc.

They had a fantastic week and didn't notice I wasn't there
At 2 years old no way.

Why not say I don't like the thought of being away from her for that long at that age but we can talk about it again when she's older. You might find you change your mind in a few years.