To think we should forgive old people their transgressions?

[lboogy]

Reading a lot of threads here about PILs and parents and how irritating they can be has made me think about forgiveness generally.

Obviously each circumstance is different but for gripes like getting bad presents, being ignored, having rude off the cuff things said should we be more forgiving in the knowledge that parents & in laws may not be around for much longer and wouldn't it be better to ignore/turn the other cheek. After all when we get to that age and much of our support system has died we'd need our remaining family to be compassionate /forgiving to us.

I just realised there's a thread similar to this....

Nope

Getting older is no excuse for rudeness/stinginess/racism/homophobia/enter bad behaviour of choice

I will be old quite soon and I don't think allowances should be made for me unless I actually am not responsible for my actions eg. dementia

My mum has always been a godawful nasty bitch. Now she's trying to blame it on old age (always with the lol xx).
We could forgive the old age. We just dont forgive the godawful nasty bitch in 40 prior years.

I get where you’re coming from OP.

The problem is (and already stated by a pp) is that these people have always been rude so why forgive them just because they’re old

Age is no excuse. Twattery should always be challenged. If you want to live a fucked over life out of deference to age, go for it, just don’t expect others to follow suit.

No. Bad presents...well it's the thought that counts, I wouldn't bear a grudge about that but rudeness shouldn't be ignored. They aren't immune from being a twat just because they're old. This kind of shit is exactly HOW they got to 80 without ever being pulled up on it.

No.

Because if we are not an arse to our remaining family why would we need them to forgive us?

I work with a mainly older client case load and I have to bite the inside of my face to ribbons at times to just keep the peace when they come out with some of the unmitigated shite they spout.

Some is ignorance .
Some is plain nasty.
Some they actually believe that they are right.

It is never going to end well to challenge in many cases.
But there are some that I think "I have to spend 20 minutes with you, but YOU have to live in that head"

I think some are just horrible regardless of age but many will change with age , for the worse

No. Being old is never an excuse for being rude.

What’s the point of this thread? What do you hope to achieve?

Age is no excuse for bad behaviour, but maybe there should be more attempt to distinguish between deliberate unpleasantness, and saying/doing things that come from having been brought up in a different culture. Yes, in theory we should all track the way society is changing, and change our beliefs accordingly, but things that you were taught as polite as a child go very deep, and it is difficult to adjust.

If somebody is incredibly old and frail then possibly they need a bit of slack cutting for them. How old are you talking about, OP?

Not a fucking chance, hell would have freeze, thaw then freeze again before I gave either of the cunts a second chance.

Surely it depends what they’ve been like before they were old?

My great aunt has vascular dementia and has lost that brain to mouth filter so when she says “you’ve put on weight” or “that dress is awful” or “I don’t like him” you let it go because you know she’d never have said that before.

Whereas another elderly relative gets less slack for being nasty because a) there’s no reason for it and b) she’s always been vile. There’s a reason she was alone at Christmas and sadly not an easily forgivable one.

Being a blood relative does not give someone the right to treat someone else like shit.

Being married to their child does not give someone the right to treat you like shit.

After all when we get to that age and much of our support system has died we'd need our remaining family to be compassionate /forgiving to us.

You get to that age and your family has fucked off its because you didn't treat them nicely in the first place.

Cause and effect.

I think if people expect to be forgiven they need to apologise and make amends if possible. If they're not prepared to do this then forgiveness isn't really appropriate. Nevertheless it can be useful to pick your battles with unreasonable people of any age.

I don’t know how to say this without being offensive. So please excuse me if this comes across wrong.
But I was always told to respect elders when I was growing up. This was easy when the elders were of the golden generation - this respect had been earnt.
The next generation (my parents generation) seem to have decided they deserve the same respect automatically.
My parents are great and have earned the utmost respect from me. As have many others of the baby boomer generation. However, I have noticed many of the current 60-70 year olds today expect respect unquestionably. This I think is odd, especially when they become ruder than anyone when they don’t get it.

Like I said, this is my personal experience and not fact. Also, I don’t want to upset anyone - there’s many people from all generations that are rude/polite. I just find it strange that I see many people of that generation being entitled to respect. Perhaps it’s just a harder adjustment to modern world?

No way. My dad was elderly and spend the last couple of years of his life in chronic pain but until the day he died was polite, kind and lovely. He would occasionally refer to someone as being “coloured” because that’s the terminology he grew up with but there wasn’t a shred of racism or bigotry in him.

Notwithstanding dementia/Alzheimers, old age is no excuse for being an arsehole.

My father in law is 60 odd and I shudder to think how much worse he’ll be at 80.

Within reason, I might left minor things go, but being old isn’t an excuse to be cruel or heartless. Also if they did bad things when they were younger, getting old doesn’t automatically wipe them.

Nope absolutely not, unless they have dementia and cannot be responsible for their behaviour.

Nope!

No it isn’t an excuse. Bastards get old and become old bastards. Decent people remain decent. Age doesn’t give someone a get out of jail free card for vile behaviour.

When my inlaws start making allowances for my children with SN, I will start making allowances for their advancing age. It works both ways.

Nope. 1000% no. Only at the risk of my mental health.
I've effectively been bullied out of my birth family. I am a nice person. I did not deserve this.
As a PP said to grant forgiveness the protagonist has to express remorse and a desire to put things right.

Happily for you OP I think your experiences have led you to remain naive. I wish I was in the same boat. HTH.

I can see an argument of being more forgiving to people over slights and mistakes of life. There is a big difference over a bad present and weird quirks and being cruel and malicious.

That should be expanded to everyone though - we never know how much longer we have with each other and there are plenty of us who are quite young who have lost most if not all of our family. I'm in my thirties and have lost 6 family members in the less than 4 years. I literally have no one in my life who knew me before I was 16. I've lost my support network more than once in life. I don't expect people to be more forgiving if I was an utter asshole to them just because that's my life situation whether now in my 30s or in 30+ years.

No one should put up with a relationship out of fear just because the person they fear is an old relative or has a sad life, but generally more compassion I think might be good for everyone. It can be hard, especially after a loss, to think I could have been kinder (which I think is true, we all could be kinder though that doesn't mean it's wise), but there are also people I no longer see I wish I had spoke the truth even in anger, including some older people who should have known better than what they did.