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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they can’t have it both ways?!!

102 replies

Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 20:01

NC For this. this is based on IL’s as I am wondering AIBU. Basically when we stay at their house (occurs a few times a year) we (me, Dh and 3 DS’s) obviously live according to their house rules, mealtimes as they normally do and mealtime rules etc.

They have quiet set expectations for behavior (mainly for kids) at the table, they must finish ALL of the meal, and sit between courses (sometimes waiting for a conversation to finish 🙄)

Other things are they have cooked breakfast of some sort every morning, and a pudding with every meal.

In our own house we don’t have cooked breakfast every morning (mostly cereal and toast) nor do we have pudding with every meal. I don’t mind expecting the children to eat quietly and under my rules they must make a substantial attempt at their meal. But I don’t make them sit for a flipping hour after while I finish my conversation🙄

My problem is they came to stay with us over Christmas for a few nights and fully expected us to live according to their rules. I was at the end of my tether as were DS’s because we were asking them to do things they normally don’t have to. AIBU to think at our house means our rules, their house is obvs their rules!!???😫

OP posts:
trooth · 29/12/2018 20:03

In your house it's your rules!

Teaandtoastie · 29/12/2018 20:03

YANBU but did you tell them that you have different rules at your house? Otherwise how would they know?

KC225 · 29/12/2018 20:04

Your house, your rules.

OoohAyyye · 29/12/2018 20:05

Your house, your rules absolutely.

How old are your DC? Are your PILs interacting and involving your DC in the conversation? I wonder if perhaps it's a way for them to spend quality time with their DGC before they're off playing games etc.

turquoise88 · 29/12/2018 20:06

Who do they think they are?! Did that actually say that you'd be expected to do things their way when they stayed at your house?

I would politely explain that you are happy to respect their routines when staying at theirs, within reason, but that when they are with you they also respect yours.

The cheek!

Rosehip345 · 29/12/2018 20:08

Your house, your rules. But are you sure they don’t just think they’re the same rules as their own? Especially if you enforce those at their house?

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 29/12/2018 20:08

YANBU
Your children your rules, regardless of whose house it is. Obviously with respect to the host, but you are the parents and it is up to you to decide what expectations you have for behaviour and nutrition.

masterandmargarita · 29/12/2018 20:08

Making kids eat everything on their plate is a terrible rule

Holidayshopping · 29/12/2018 20:09

Why didn’t you just tell the children they can leave the table and take their plates out?!

Escolar · 29/12/2018 20:11

Feeling your pain OP. When my DC were little I found mealtimes with my PILs a very stressful experience because of these kind of rules.

Original poster
Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 20:18

Dc are 7 5 and 3 and no they know that it’s not the way we do things because I never really have pudding after meals and DC normally have fruit and yoghurt 🙄 and sometimes I will allow the children to leave when they are finished and pil’s are STILL eating!! But it’s not met with approval from them at all...once MIL even announced that if they get down from the table then it means no pudding!! My Dh is caught in the middle as it is clearly how he was brought up!! But I just don’t work that way at all!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 20:19

@Holidaysjopping yes I do sometimes but it’s not really appreciated by them 😫

OP posts:
ElleEmby · 29/12/2018 20:21

I agree with everyone else - understandable for them to set the rules in their house, but not in yours

ReanimatedSGB · 29/12/2018 20:21

Probably the best way is to be calm, smily and firm. 'At our house, MIL, the DC can leave the table if they want, and it's up to me whether they have pudding or not. We're happy to do it your way in your house but this is OUR house and OUR rules.' Permanent bright smile every time you have to say it. She's not the boss of you and if she doesn't like it, tough shit.

UserName31456789 · 29/12/2018 20:23

Your house your rules. I would just tell the kids they can get down from the table. I hate forcing to kids to finish their plate (I always tell mine to take a small portion then they can have more if they're still hungry). I'd be willing to do it their way at their house but not at mine - they have to sit up nicely and be polite but not sit for hours afterwards - why turn mealtime into such a chore?

Holidayshopping · 29/12/2018 20:23

You just need to make it clear it’s your house and your rules. Sort it ASAP though whilst the kids are still small.

thefinn · 29/12/2018 20:23

Would drive anyone mad. Why do they think they can expect their rules at your house? Is this common or first time?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/12/2018 20:23

Aargh, we had friends like this. They ate dinner really early, we ate late.

At their house we were having dinner before we were really hungry and peckish again by bedtime, but we sucked it up.

At our house they expected us to move our dinner earlier to suit them and acted quite bewildered when we politely refused.

They also never gave their kids snacks, not even a piece of fruit. Fair enough but don't try and stop me giving my toddler a banana.

M3lon · 29/12/2018 20:24

yep eating everything then sitting around is BS. Don't let others set rules in your own home...especially when they are shit rules!

UserName31456789 · 29/12/2018 20:24

Just read the youngest is 3. Way too young to sit for an hour because the adults are still talking!

bridgetreilly · 29/12/2018 20:25

I was at the end of my tether as were DS’s because we were asking them to do things they normally don’t have to.

But why on earth were you asking the children to do those things? Just say to the in laws that in your home the children don't have to do whatever it is, if they ask them to do whatever it is. It's your home, your rules, but you have to take the lead in establishing what those rules are for the people who don't live there, not just expect them to know. Especially not if in their house you just do whatever they want. They probably assume that is how you do things too.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2018 20:26

Your DH isn't in the midfle at all

It's your house not theirs and he should point that out.

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 20:27

How old are these ILs? It sounds like something from my parents' generation (and I'm in my 60's!)

bridgetreilly · 29/12/2018 20:27

once MIL even announced that if they get down from the table then it means no pudding!!

But then you just say, "Actually it doesn't mean that. I don't mind if they get down now."

UserName31456789 · 29/12/2018 20:30

*once MIL even announced that if they get down from the table then it means no pudding!!

But then you just say, "Actually it doesn't mean that. I don't mind if they get down now.*

Exactly. She's had her kids now it's your turn to decide the rules (and her rules kind of suck). Like PP said you need to be bright and airy but firm. Big smile "no it's fine Mil the kids don't need to stay at the table when they've finished, there will be yogurt and fruit later if they're hungry". Keep smile.

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