To think they can’t have it both ways?!!

[Rulesrulesrules]

NC For this. this is based on IL’s as I am wondering AIBU. Basically when we stay at their house (occurs a few times a year) we (me, Dh and 3 DS’s) obviously live according to their house rules, mealtimes as they normally do and mealtime rules etc.

They have quiet set expectations for behavior (mainly for kids) at the table, they must finish ALL of the meal, and sit between courses (sometimes waiting for a conversation to finish 🙄)

Other things are they have cooked breakfast of some sort every morning, and a pudding with every meal.

In our own house we don’t have cooked breakfast every morning (mostly cereal and toast) nor do we have pudding with every meal. I don’t mind expecting the children to eat quietly and under my rules they must make a substantial attempt at their meal. But I don’t make them sit for a flipping hour after while I finish my conversation🙄

My problem is they came to stay with us over Christmas for a few nights and fully expected us to live according to their rules. I was at the end of my tether as were DS’s because we were asking them to do things they normally don’t have to. AIBU to think at our house means our rules, their house is obvs their rules!!???😫

Little kids are not going to want to sit at a table listening to grandparents rabbiting on are they?
Sounds like the grandparents are out of the Victorian era.I'd just tell them straight or have a finger buffet on a tray. I never knew people still had meals round a table!

Surely you are doing all food shop and cooking so there isn’t going to be things for cooked breakfast or a pudding everyday? When they ask what’s for pudding day we normally do fruit or yogurt no need to be doing other things.

They can disapprove all they like, though, can’t they. It’s fuck all to do with them...

I think you're a bit mean not to serve pudding. Most people look forward to something like apple tart and custard.

Erm, no. They don't. You may.

Are you the OP's in-laws?

@Rudgie47 yes we do still eat our meals at the table but let the kids go when finished (although we all normally finish at the same time oddly enough) sometimes we have dinner in the sitting room watching tv but not every day at all.

I'm in my thirties and was brought up to think that nobody leaves the dining table until everyone is finished (quite a few of my friends are the same). Isn't that just basic manners? Surely everyone finishes eating around the same kind of time anyway?

@Akire yes I know but we do always have bacon and eggs in the house and my DH will buy extra things for them 😫 in terms of puddings MIL Will actually bring or make pudding 🙈

Do your thing and take their disapproval on the chin

My PILs were a bit like this, but I did not play along

Always friendly and respectful, but you can really just do your own thing

In a funny and sad way they now respect me more than SIL, who is lovely and tries to please them....human psychology is weird

So stick to your guns. So what if they disapprove? Why should it bother you?. They are not bothered whether you approve of them, do they?

I think you're a bit mean not to serve pudding. Most people look forward to something like apple tart and custard.

You are not 'most people'. Don't really know anyone besides people with loads of time on their hands who serve up these 'puddings' like apple tart and custard after 2 meals a day. Certainly not good for your waistline or health.

Next time they are planning a visit to yours tell them if they dont like the way you do mealtimes etc in your OWN home then they can stay in their own home and have mealtimes how they want

Oh that would make me angry! I think I’d try my best to not acknowledge her trying to implement her rules in my house.

I’d let them get down from the table and then call them back up when it was time for pudding whilst washing over what she says against it.

She’s clearly not worried about saying what she thinks so I would force myself to do things the way I want, even though I’m a people pleaser and hate confrontation. If she made a big deal about it and kick up a fuss then she would be the one that looked bad for it.

I don’t think anyone really does pudding these days do they...except maybe now and then? I dunno...a daily pudding, never mind a twice-daily pudding, isn’t a great idea for anyone.

I've always done a breezy 'Oh we don't have rules like that in out house, off you go DDs'. Kids leave, I ignore any reaction from adults-not-resident-in-my-house.

They are generally considered polite children. They always ask to leave the table, and if I say not right now they know to sit and make small talk for a while.

FFS, stand up for your children. And tell your DH to tell his parents that you have your own way of doing things in your home, and if they don't like it, they can go home. And, frankly, if they don't loosen up a bit in their own home, you won't be spending much time there with the children as it's not reasonable.

I've got it - your ILs do not think - our house/our rules, Ruleshouse/Rulesrules, they think whatever their rules are = The Rules. If you don't adhere to The Rules you have just got it Wrong.

You need to start deploying the phrase 'It'd be a dull world if we were all the same, wouldn't it?' with a beaming smile, in response to any disapproval.

People who say “our house, our rules” don’t actually mean it. They mean “we live correctly and you do not”.

So you need to discuss with your husband (and children) what your rules for your family are. Wherever you are. FWIW I expect parents to set the rules for their children’s behaviour - not grandparents - even if at the grandparents house.

@ichbineinstasumer yes I think so 😂😩

Ugh, when my DCs were small I remember my MIL being very prim and telling them off 'no elbows on the table'. Half an hour later she had her own elbows on the table!

I hate in-laws old-fashioned and weird eating rules and behaviours. Are yours really fat with all this pudding they eat?

@yellowumbrellas not hugely no...which is surprising 🙈😆😆😭

We have always taught the children that if you would like to be excused from the table you ask the host (whoever cooked the meal)

So in my house that’s me, at my DPs house it’s my Mum etc.

I expect them to follow my rules wherever we are. So for example my nephews are allowed to get up and down from the table in between courses and wander about. My children are not, even if we are at my sister’s house.

My children are expected to offer to clear the table at the end of the meal, even if we are at Grandma’s house and even if their cousins aren’t helping.

If my family or friends have additional rules at their house that’s fine, we will respect them politely but no one will be telling my children that they have to clear their plate or have a pudding if they are full.

I actually think that some of those rules should not be enforced at their house either.

Making children finish what is on their plate overrides the natural full feeling response and can create the problem of not hearing those signals anymore which leads to over eating.

My FIL also expects my children to finish everything (which includes the time he pushed her in to 'having a taste' of some crap he was drinking then gave her a ffull cup ful and threw a tanty that wanted to drink her water from her bottle instead of the lemon/ginger/ice cream/soda water drink), I need to step in at those times and say something. My hubby is definitely getting better at stepping in at these times too but like yours has trouble with saying to his parents we do things differently.

Unless the children are a part of the conversation why are they expected to stay at the table for such a length of time once the meal is finished? I don't really understand that?

I can sympathise OP, particularly with your DH. When my own parents visit, although we do not have the same battles, I find it incredibly hard.

It strikes me that those commenting seem to be quite confident parents? I am NOT confident as a parent and find it particularly hard enforcing authority when my own parents are here. At the table especially, I couldn’t go against what they say, although after a few arguments they are better at checking with DH and me first. I am intrigued by those who don’t seem to need approval. I would love to have my parents think I am doing a good job with the DCs. What I get is barely concealed criticism. Whatever we do is not good enough and that is hard.

I expect grandparents to set the rules when they are there.

I get incredibly stressed when they visit and am completely in the middle and really feel for all of you. Those of you who think the DH is not in the middle, what’s your secret?!

I'm in my thirties and was brought up to think that nobody leaves the dining table until everyone is finished (quite a few of my friends are the same). Isn't that just basic manners? Surely everyone finishes eating around the same kind of time anyway?

If you read the OP the in laws are expecting even the three year old to sit for hours while the adults finish long winded conversations. That was never the expectation for anyone. Depending on the child a three year old is going to struggle to sit through a long meal if some people eat slowly and you're better off building up over time - its really not good for them to be forced to sit till for hours at a time.

I expect grandparents to set the rules when they are there.

Why? Why are their rules better than yours? You know your children best.

I get incredibly stressed when they visit and am completely in the middle

You aren’t in the middle, you are in charge. You just need to take charge.

I am a confident parent, it’s true. Nevertheless I regularly stand up to my PIL who think I’m too strict and have a tendency to try to undermine our rules.

My PILs have been repeatedly reminded over the years that we are in charge of our children and that what we say goes.

We don’t argue or fall out, we just calmly, politely and firmly state our position.