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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they can’t have it both ways?!!

102 replies

Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 20:01

NC For this. this is based on IL’s as I am wondering AIBU. Basically when we stay at their house (occurs a few times a year) we (me, Dh and 3 DS’s) obviously live according to their house rules, mealtimes as they normally do and mealtime rules etc.

They have quiet set expectations for behavior (mainly for kids) at the table, they must finish ALL of the meal, and sit between courses (sometimes waiting for a conversation to finish 🙄)

Other things are they have cooked breakfast of some sort every morning, and a pudding with every meal.

In our own house we don’t have cooked breakfast every morning (mostly cereal and toast) nor do we have pudding with every meal. I don’t mind expecting the children to eat quietly and under my rules they must make a substantial attempt at their meal. But I don’t make them sit for a flipping hour after while I finish my conversation🙄

My problem is they came to stay with us over Christmas for a few nights and fully expected us to live according to their rules. I was at the end of my tether as were DS’s because we were asking them to do things they normally don’t have to. AIBU to think at our house means our rules, their house is obvs their rules!!???😫

OP posts:
HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 29/12/2018 20:32

WTAF, you actually accept that from them in your own home??

No, I simply wouldn’t play along with that. Not even in their home, as I determine the rules for my own children, and certainly not if they are guests in my home!

chocaholic73 · 29/12/2018 20:35

I am late fifties and, as a child, I was never expected to stay at the table when we had visitors. Once I finished eating I was allowed to ask to get down and play quietly until the adults had finished eating. Sounds odd for today's grandparents tbh.

Drogosnextwife · 29/12/2018 20:36

Absolutely not and if she told them if they get down from the table no pudding then I would be saying in front of her " don't worry you will get pudding, I will get it for you myself"
Why does she want children sitting at the table for an hour after they have finished eating so they can sit and listen to adult conversation.

paintinmyhairAgain · 29/12/2018 20:39

all adult conversation is boring when you are young, not fair on dc at all. your home, you get to set the boundaries

LRDtheFeministDragon · 29/12/2018 20:40

Well, of course you should be perfect and simply explain earnestly how you do things.

But being petty, I'd be awfully tempted to go with 'ah, DC, we don't have puddings every day, do we? We eat healthily in this house'. Or 'Now, DC, Granny is eating slowly, and we should leave her in peace'.

I definitely wouldn't cook a breakfast every day.

If your MIL can 'announce' rules, then so can you. You can always act as if it is to do with setting the children a good example - that's what she's doing, surely?!

Original poster
Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 20:40

@Singlenotsingle they are in 70’s

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 29/12/2018 20:40

I'd avoid staying over or having them stay with you!

Ethel36 · 29/12/2018 20:43

It's your house so it's your rules. You should at next time that its okay when the kids are allowed to leave the table. Ask your husband to back you up. No need to be confrontational, just explain that it is okay with you. It's not a good idea to make children eat everything on their plate. I had to do this growing up, when really I only needed half the plate of food. I ended up quite chubby. Little tummies can only eat so much.

Original poster
Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 20:43

@Nanny0gg I feel like he’s torn between wanting to please them, keeping them impressed,happy and our rules 😫

OP posts:
thefinn · 29/12/2018 20:46

Your DH should (maybe gently at first) tell them that this is not ok. That both styles are ok but you do things your way. It sounds insane and very much asked of dc. Plus they have to know so this won't remain the case when they visit. Feel sorry for you.

GabsAlot · 29/12/2018 20:49

noone caught in the middle you both just say thats not how it works in ur house

would u smoke a cigarette coz thats what they do in their house?

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 29/12/2018 20:54

I’m sorry but he needs to grow up a bit then. No adult with children of his or her own should be needing to please mummy and daddy.

FixItUpChappie · 29/12/2018 20:56

i can't relate to not just saying no and carrying on as you wish TBH. I wouldn't make them sit there forever or finish all their food just because I was at someone else home. When I'm present the children are mine to parent and I do so as I see fit.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 20:58

WTAF? Just NOPE. next time they come over you just explain once before and once when they arrive. 'In our home we have our own rules and way of doing things. They may be different to yours but of course, we will do things the way that works for us in our own home and we're sure you can understand and respect that.' And keep reminding htem when they make comments, 'Things work differently in our home and we'll stick to our own house rules in here.'

DanielleEvans · 29/12/2018 20:58

How bizarre to think that someone would impose their own life style (and rules) in someone else's house!

Goldmandra · 29/12/2018 21:04

Your house, your rules.

Their house, their rules to a certain extent. This doesn't apply to forcing children to eat past when they have had enough. That is bad enough for you to overrule it in either house (and when you're eating out).

Original poster
Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 21:06

Thank you everyone I was starting to think I was insane for thinking the way I do. I just have no interest in sitting at the table to converse after a meal myself either if I’m honest. I’d rather sit on the couch in front of the fire. To be honest the table “manners” or “rules” is only a part of it all but it’s the one that bugs me the most! 😩

OP posts:
SpotlessMind · 29/12/2018 21:06

The thing is how do they know what your house rules are unless you tell them? Their only experience is of you doing what they do, so they may well feel like they're helpfully backing you up when they say this stuff. A gentle 'actually, we don't expect them to stay at the table when they're at home' or 'we're not having dessert and it's okay to leave food if they're full' should suffice.

Original poster
Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 21:07

@SpotlessMind yes I did let the children leave the table last week a few times but it was met with disapproval if I’m honest! 🙄 they are quite strict about some things 😩

OP posts:
Thewifipasswordis · 29/12/2018 21:07

Wtf? Why were you even entertaining that bullshit. It's not the 50s.

newtlover · 29/12/2018 21:08

I think this language of 'rules' is a bit odd. Why not just 'actually we do it like this' or, 'no, we find that doesn't work well for us'

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 29/12/2018 21:09

We have guests like this, we are expected to be good guests and good hosts, they are neither. They expects guests to clear dishes but don't help in other people's homes, not even to get their own drink of tap water.

They arrive at 2:3i0sh for lunch and would like dinner around their normal time (5). We don't eat until 7, sometimes 9. They don't like food served in bowls because they get over faced. They have to like it or lump it. Very self cenrred.

jessstan2 · 29/12/2018 21:16

I think you're a bit mean not to serve pudding. Most people look forward to something like apple tart and custard.

I'd serve small portions to the children so they can finish it all and if they want seconds, they can ask.

Sitting around the table talking is a grown up thing but I wouldn't expect children to do it. As long as they ask to be excused, I'd let them leave the table.

However it is silly to try to impose 'rules' in other people's houses.

Drum2018 · 29/12/2018 21:19

I wouldn't put up with this in my house. Do things as normal when they are visiting and if the kids get up and she comments pull her up on it by telling her that this is the way we do it in our house, no discussion and no compromise. If she expects to be militant in her house then it's up to ye if ye wish to stay there and tolerate that.

Original poster
Rulesrulesrules · 29/12/2018 21:21

@jessstan2 I’m all for a pudding on a sunday or at important meals but not every day for lunch and dinner...not good for anyone’s waist that!!!i offer my children yoghurt and/or fruit after every meal if they want it. And as I said when PIL’s are overwe do have pudding as that’s what THEY do. Tbh I get more grief for NOT eating the bloody pudding.

And yes I do v small portions for the children anyway so that’s not an issue but I just don’t sit and demand that they eat every single crumb! 😩

OP posts: