To think they can’t have it both ways?!!

[Rulesrulesrules]

NC For this. this is based on IL’s as I am wondering AIBU. Basically when we stay at their house (occurs a few times a year) we (me, Dh and 3 DS’s) obviously live according to their house rules, mealtimes as they normally do and mealtime rules etc.

They have quiet set expectations for behavior (mainly for kids) at the table, they must finish ALL of the meal, and sit between courses (sometimes waiting for a conversation to finish 🙄)

Other things are they have cooked breakfast of some sort every morning, and a pudding with every meal.

In our own house we don’t have cooked breakfast every morning (mostly cereal and toast) nor do we have pudding with every meal. I don’t mind expecting the children to eat quietly and under my rules they must make a substantial attempt at their meal. But I don’t make them sit for a flipping hour after while I finish my conversation🙄

My problem is they came to stay with us over Christmas for a few nights and fully expected us to live according to their rules. I was at the end of my tether as were DS’s because we were asking them to do things they normally don’t have to. AIBU to think at our house means our rules, their house is obvs their rules!!???😫

I think because I feel as a parent that whatever you do is wrong so how do I know my rules are the best? I second guess myself all the time. Also my parents think we are too strict (I am NOT!) and so if I enforce the rules they think I am too strict even more.

I am in the middle because I just want us all to get along. I am constantly on alert trying to act happy, deal with any bad behaviour and hope my DH says as little as possible to antagonise them so that they think I am doing a good job. Thankfully they don’t visit often! Even after all of that I know they think we are doing a bad job .

But why does it matter? You’re doing a good job, you’re making decisions based on your values and you’re looking after your children in the way that you have determined is right for you and for your children. You are the arbiter of what defines a good job when it comes to your parenting, not them. So why does it matter if they don’t agree?

I just don’t understand why you would let it bother you. But I guess that’s easy for me to say. I know that for a lot of people the family dynamic they grew up with never really goes away.

Ok I re read your last comment and kind of understand it from that perspective. But second guessing yourself means you are a concerned and conscientious parent, and it means you employ a checks and balances system which means you are likely to constantly evaluate and re evaluate, which likely means you are doing as good a job as it’s likely you could do.

Good lord, so many man-babies who cannot act how they wish in their own homes if mummy is there!

I know. I would find it so hard to respect a man who quaked like a toddler in case mummy or daddy got cross.

You're the parent, so parent your DC and decide what YOU want them to do. A 3 year old is highly unlikely to be able or want to sit for hours at table. Don't allow your pil to enforce their old fashioned rules on your children.

Making kids eat everything on their plate is a terrible rule

This.

I had an eating disorder in my teens because of this rule.

I am in the middle because I just want us all to get along

But your parents are actually more likely to respect you as a parent if stand your ground. Your current policy of wavering in the middle isn’t working and you aren’t enjoying your parents’ company.

I make huge efforts to get along with my in laws but that doesn’t mean they get to run my home or overrule me (or DH).

You don’t need to argue or fall out you just need to assert yourself.

What is it you think would happen if you said “these are our rules please don’t undermine us”?

What can they do to you?

Why would you let this happen never mind anywhere else .. but in your own home ?

I hate these types of people who don’t see children as independent human beings but as some sort of pet who must be forced to do things they don’t want to do. What harm is there if a child doesn’t eat every bit of food on their plate or wants to play rather than sit at the table waiting for adults to stop talking?

What can they do to you?

Well they can phone me after the visit, telling me they are very worried. They can tell me they have read some bullshit in the Daily Mail about how children are easily damaged. They can tell me that one DC is too fussy with eating. They can tell me we are far too strict. They also often give us money for a holiday / days out each year which would stop if we fell out.

Plus they can say the children will have problems later, be fearful of everything, scared to ‘be themselves’ etc, etc. This is if we ask them to not interrupt etc.

But mainly it would make visits and phone calls awful and the children adore them . But no, I hate it when they come .

Never thought of it as a checks and balance system though, I like that!!

They also often give us money for a holiday / days out each year which would stop if we fell out

So?

I don’t want to derail the thread but we would never be able to afford a nice holiday without my mum and dad.

Anyway, OP what does your DH think? Does he think it’s worth agreeing with his parents? I guess it depends how often the visits are. Can you at least get it so they do not have to sit at the table talking at the end of the meal? Maybe they could ‘help’ start the clearing up?

Ok, so when they call you with a list of concerns you just address each one in turn calmly and politely.

Eg “We appreciate your concern but there’s no need. The children are healthy and happy and doing well. Yes, I agree that children can be easily damaged but putting firm boundaries in place and being consistent about expected behaviour isn’t damaging at all. Quite the contrary it’s good for children to feel secure within clear boundaries. Regarding not interrupting, teaching children good manners is a wonderful gift and will stand them in good stead all their lives. Learning to wait and to put other people first sometimes are good healthy things to learn.

Yes X is a fussy eater. It’s fairly common for children to be fussy. We are dealing with it in our own way, he/she will grow out of it in time.

Don’t argue. There isn’t anything to argue about, these are your children, you are in charge, your parents don’t get a say.

As for stopping holiday money. That’s a control mechanism. It’s manipulative. It’s emotional blackmail. The only way to effectively deal with it is not to play the game

Better to miss a holiday than to be miserable every time your parents visit.

Better to miss a holiday than send your children mixed messages about who is in charge.

The first time we made a key decision for our D.C. that my PILs really disagreed with they stopped speaking to us for two weeks.

It was meant to be a punishment but we just cheerfully let them get on with it.

They got a bit of a shock, the natural consequence of not speaking to us was that they didn’t see our very young D.C.

It hadn’t occurred to them that the balance of power had shifted after the children were born.

After two weeks they got in touch and asked to visit, never mentioning the argument. We politely said that of course they could visit. Nothing more on the subject has been said but they now understand that they are not in charge of our family.

They still step over the boundaries in small ways but they are very careful not to fall out with us.

You don’t need to fall out with your parents to stand up to them.

The consequences of falling out with you are much worse for them.

Plus they can say the children will have problems later, be fearful of everything, scared to ‘be themselves’ etc, etc.

Just like you have become, you mean? You seem scared to be yourself!

If them giving you money and paying for your holidays is more important than making a stand over your own parenting, then sadly that’s the choice you have made. You are allowing them the final say over what happens, as ultimately you want their money!

I did let the children leave the table last week a few times but it was met with disapproval if I’m honest!

This is where your problem lies. What you want is for the disapproval to magically stop. It won’t. You need to stop caring that they disapprove. What is the worst they can do? A barbed comment about how they would never let children leave the table during a meal? You can choose to either ignore it or pick them up on it - but either way, they don’t have the power to overrule you.

CoughLaughFart, you’ve nailed it. That’s what I was trying to explain. I have spent years thinking of how to set the disapproval to stop. DH doesn’t seem to care that my parents disapprove of our parenting. I find it horrific, it makes me so sad and I feel a complete failure, if my own parents think I am shit then that doesn’t hold out much hope for anyone else. I think only if you are truly confident can you not care about disapproval. How confident in his parenting is your DH, OP?

Thanks for your comments Nona and Holiday, they have made me think.

Some parents and in laws seem to want to be the oracle over all things parenting and find it hard to accept they’ve had their turn. Others seem to find deviation from what they’ve done a personal criticism. You just need to find a way a way to do your own thing- parents are the ones in charge and make decisions. I always find it strange when people won’t change their routine to suit young children. It is far easier for a 60 year old to adapt to eating in a different way/time than it is for a toddler.

I did let the children leave the table last week a few times but it was met with disapproval if I’m honest!

So what? Your in laws are welcome to leave if they don't like it.

If my parents or in laws tried this crap in my house, they would get one warning and then an invitation to leave.

Reflectent and others who don’t care about the disapproval. How on earth do you get to that stage? I would say I get a disapproving look every hour or so when my parents are here. It’s impossible to ignore .

I would say I get a disapproving look every hour or so when my parents are here

Tell them to go and disapprove somewhere else. "Are you unhappy here? Perhaps you would like to go somewhere else? Now?"

I don’t know how I got here...I just don’t care what they think of me. In my mind, once you are a fully fledged, independent adult, you are an equal to your parents (if not, in fact, superior in some ways, but that obviously depends on the individual circumstance). It just wouldn’t occur to me to seek their approval, or to be frightened of their disapproval, and I don’t see them as my superiors. I’ve got adult children of my own now, I’m in my forties, I’m not some kind of baby adult whose parents are proper adults and who needs mummy and daddy to be pleased with me. I don’t see them as arbiters of right and wrong, I don’t see them as being inherently better or smarter or more capable than me.

Thanks both of you. Harbinger, I think the opposite of your post. I have never felt like a fully fledged adult . I always feel I am pretending. I totally see them as my superiors . My in-laws too but I like them and they do seem to treat us like adults. I’ll have to try to feel less inferior somehow.

But the thing is, everyone is just pretending. Everyone is just muddling along. That’s mostly what parenting, and ‘adulting’ in general, is all about. I’m under no illusions - I was/am a good enough parent, and genuinely did my best, but certainly there are lots of things I would have done differently if I had been perfect. But I’m not. And neither were my parents. I don’t hold them on some kind of pedestal - they were/are people who muddled along, and got quite a few things wrong along the way, actually.

What holger says. My parents did their best, and I get along with them now, but they were of their pre-war cohort generation and were emotionally unavailable, to put it mildly. My in-laws ditto. My father has the insight to periodically say that my children and our parenting make him worry he was a bad father; I see no point in saying “yeah, not great” to people in their eighties.