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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think Somethings Going On?

151 replies

DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 14:27

I can't shake the feeling something has gone on with DH and a co-worker. I'm sorry this is going to be a bit of a long read :( Please tell me IBU...

DH works in a male dominated place with only a few females there. A few weeks ago at a country fair we bumped in to one of the younger girls (10yrs younger than DH). DH introduced us and we spent some time with her. She seemed lovely and we chatted for a bit.

Fast forward to the next encounter. This was another fair and DH spotted her there with a friend in the beer tent. She was dancing with a friend right in front of us and DH couldn't stop looking over to her. She didn't seem to spot us so we didn't say hello. Instead we went out for a wander around the grounds. Shortly after I spotted them again (I should add there was a few hundred people here) This time she was whispering in her friends ear whilst her friend stared at us laughing. Now i'm quite insecure so did think they were talking about us but who knows.
Anyway, in a nut shell, both times i left my DH to go to the loos I would come back to find this girl chatting to him. As soon as i would get back to him she would leave. We left shortly after and I told him i found it strange that she only came to see him when i left him and that with all those people there how strange it was every time i turned around she was in our eye line. I also found it annoying how DH couldn't stop looking at her dancing right in front of us all night. I literally had to remind him where the band we were watching were.

I spoke to a friend about it and as all girls do they asked me if she was pretty. So i found her on DH FB page to show her.
A few days later i went to look for her again and he was no longer friends with her? I then decided to do a naughty thing and look on the Ipad at his FB messenger App... Strangely enough he had deleted it? We share the Ipad but i rarely use it so its always logged in to his account and the messenger app was on there a week before hand....

I've confronted DH and he doesn't know why she deleted him but he just says its in my head and nothings going on. I want to believe him, but i feel I will never know the truth.

What would you think in this rambling of a situation...

OP posts:
lilraven · 29/12/2018 18:45

Someone else has said this. But you should message her from HIS phone, asking as him, why did you block me from Facebook? And wait for her reply.

XiCi · 29/12/2018 18:49

Absolutely no need for such an aggressive, unpleasant response Woooman. The thread is only 3 pages long and the OP has only made a few posts. Asking something that the OP has already responded to more than once is a waste of everyone's time. That is all.

newdaysameplay · 29/12/2018 18:57

I completely understand your pain OP. My Husband started a new job and came home talking about this one female colleague. For the first few months he would continually tell me how wonderful/hardworking/pretty she was (I am very secure but this did raise flags). I kept my eye on it and met her a few times. She wouldn't acknowledge me and the atmosphere was just 'off'. I raised my concerns with Hubby and he just said she was 'weird' blah blah blah. Around a month ago he came home talking about what a bitch she was/terrible worker/idiot etc etc. Now, I KNOW in my heart something went on with them both (now over) but like you I can't prove it without looking like the crazy/psycho wife! I've checked all SM and messages but anything outing has been long deleted. I hope you get more closure than I did. Always trust your gut. I wish I had pushed to get more answers at the time.

newdaysameplay · 29/12/2018 18:59

Agree with PP about messaging her from Hubbys phone asking why she blocked him! Fab idea. You won't look crazy and will get your answers you need.

Slothslothsloth · 29/12/2018 19:04

I don’t think you should message pretending to be him. He may well have already discussed with her why she blocked him so if you message her asking that she’ll be onto you immediately.

Woooman · 29/12/2018 19:05

XiCi, and you could have just answered the queries in a civilised way. I read the OP's answers and didn't see the answer to that. There are a lot of posts in those 3 pages and it's easily missed (as other people also asking the same question found out).

Woooman · 29/12/2018 19:06

XiCi, Whiskey managed to give the relevant info without the "Christ, RTFT" snipe.

Rayn · 29/12/2018 19:11

Hi. My ex had an affair and I was in denial and used every excuse not to see it. I would have been pissed off if my husband was watching someone dance so blatantly. Warning signs are there xx

newdaysameplay · 29/12/2018 19:11

Good point sloth, didn't think of that!

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 29/12/2018 19:15

I do trust him - I don't trust her.

So if he's trustworthy there's nothing to worry about. Even if she wanted to, she can't force him into an affair he doesn't want to have.

iLoveFoood · 29/12/2018 19:23

The blocking and deleting would be alarm bells for me, I'm insecure too but there's absolutely no reason she would need to block him other than

A. He has sent her unwanted messages
B. They've exchanged texts they don't want you to see and he's told her to block him to make it look like she doesn't have a Facebook account/get rid of 'evidence'

Just think about it, I wouldn't need a guy friend at work to block me on Facebook unless I was hiding something.

MissRhubarb · 29/12/2018 19:36

Was there a Christmas do where something might have happened?

I'm an anxiety-ridden over-thinker too, but I also have quite good spidey sense in my own life sometimes. I'd say don't ignore your gut if something feels "not right" and definitely don't gaslight yourself over this. My ex husband had an affair, which I only found out about after our divorce. When he'd mentioned the OW back when we were together I knew something felt really off, but put it down to my over-thinking/anxiety and insecurity. The way you've explained what happened to make you worry about this (him watching her dancing, them talking and then her scuttling off when you came back) I don't think anyone here thinks you're crazy for worrying that something has happened. It sounds possible to me that something has happened - of course not necessarily an affair, but something that he doesn't want to tell you. I agree with others that blocking is v. unusual without incident to prompt it. Incident could be anything though - drunken Facebook messaging over Christmas springs to mind.

newdaysameplay · 29/12/2018 19:47

Here's a thought. Maybe she has blocked him because she fancies him and it hurts her ego to see him happily married in his FB profile?

KateGrey · 29/12/2018 20:08

Could he have deleted her and she saw and blocked him? I had an old friend (not seen in years) who kept my husband on FB but deleted me so I decided to block her. Nothing had happened.

I dont think you’ll ever know what happened. So I suppose it’s a choice between leaving or moving on. I’m an over worrier to and it’s very hard. With my ex I had cause to worry as at the end he did cheat but previously although there were some red flags there was no hard proof. It’s horrible feeling something has happened and you don’t quite know what.

Birdsgottafly · 29/12/2018 20:33

"My gut tells me she has a thing for him and he’s enjoying the attention of a young attractive girl."
"Maybe she has blocked him because she fancies him and it hurts her ego to see him happily married in his FB profile"

Why are we always so quick to believe that "young attractive women" are the ones doing the chasing, of these, not-so-fit-ten-years-older, Men?

It's more like she was going over telling him to fuck off, before she tells his Wife he's been creepily inappropriate towards her.

He was staring at her whilst she danced, that's just wrong.

He was being a sleaze and to do it with his Wife at his side, was he pushing the "no-one will believe you, look how solid we are" thing that menacing men often do?

She could have finally blocked him, not giving a shit what ruptions it causes among work colleagues, she's had enough.

I've been in the position of a married man being inappropriate, so have many friends, when we were younger. We found it too embarrassing to continue to speak to the Wife.

Young Women aren't the predators that they're made out to be, that's a male fantasy.

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 29/12/2018 20:45

The deleted apps, longing stares, her approaching your DH only when you weren’t there seems to indicate something has either nearly happened between them or it already has. I am talking from experience here as my DH and I were having an affair before we got together official and he was married. He used to delete his messages and deleted apps to hide messages. I also used to block him sometimes so he couldn’t contact me.

Yabbers · 29/12/2018 20:59

I do trust him, I don't trust her

What does this even mean? Regardless of whether you trust her, if you trust him what's the problem. Do you trust him but think he's weak and couldn't resist her advances? In which case, you don't actually trust him. If you trusted him, none of this would be a problem because you can be sure he isn't doing anything wrong.

I trust my husband. Wouldn't matter who he was working with, I know he wouldn't cheat. So whether I trusted some woman I'd never properly met would be entirely irrelevant.

Alpacanorange · 29/12/2018 21:11

He fancies her, she knows it, he knows and now you know it. That’s why she is awkward, she doesn’t want to be caught in the middle of a row.
If you trust him, truly trust him, you have nothing to worry about. Saying you don’t trust her makes you look rather silly. If you can trust him, she could throw herself at him and he would politely decline, because he is married. And happily so. Therefore do you trust him??

PigletTiggerEeyoreAndRoo · 29/12/2018 21:56

Possibly temptation on one side or other, no idea which, but one of them has nipped it in the bud before it goes anywhere - would be my guess.

Myglassesareknackered · 29/12/2018 22:39

How can the OP message her from her DH’s account if she’s blocked him? Could also lead the colleague to claim ‘he’s’ harassing her or behaving inappropriately if there is another issue.
Your issue is with your DH, OP.

Osirus · 30/12/2018 00:13

No young women would want to be going to steam rallies unless they were working there in some capacity.

Have you ever been to a steam rally? I’ve been going since I was a teenager. There are a few around my area, one is absolutely huge, and draws in people of all ages. There’s far more to do than just ogle vintage tractors and steam engines. It’s great fun.

Amelia1909 · 30/12/2018 00:58

What #Alpacaorange said..☝️

k1233 · 30/12/2018 02:35

Haven't read all posts, but you don't need the messenger app to access messenger... On my Facebook app, messenger is a little icon at top right of screen. So if the iPad is logged into his Facebook account, you can easily get to his messenger.

Jellybabie3 · 30/12/2018 10:05

Are you OK today OP?

Original poster
DoraBella88 · 30/12/2018 10:52

Jellybabie- I’m ok thank you. Got very overwhelmed last night and decided to step away for the evening as my anxiety went through the roof.

I am reading all the responses and taking everyone’s thoughts and opinions in. I just need time to think everything through.

DH has just gone out for a hair cut so I’ve wjacked the iPad on charge to have a little look through x

OP posts:
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