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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think Somethings Going On?

151 replies

DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 14:27

I can't shake the feeling something has gone on with DH and a co-worker. I'm sorry this is going to be a bit of a long read :( Please tell me IBU...

DH works in a male dominated place with only a few females there. A few weeks ago at a country fair we bumped in to one of the younger girls (10yrs younger than DH). DH introduced us and we spent some time with her. She seemed lovely and we chatted for a bit.

Fast forward to the next encounter. This was another fair and DH spotted her there with a friend in the beer tent. She was dancing with a friend right in front of us and DH couldn't stop looking over to her. She didn't seem to spot us so we didn't say hello. Instead we went out for a wander around the grounds. Shortly after I spotted them again (I should add there was a few hundred people here) This time she was whispering in her friends ear whilst her friend stared at us laughing. Now i'm quite insecure so did think they were talking about us but who knows.
Anyway, in a nut shell, both times i left my DH to go to the loos I would come back to find this girl chatting to him. As soon as i would get back to him she would leave. We left shortly after and I told him i found it strange that she only came to see him when i left him and that with all those people there how strange it was every time i turned around she was in our eye line. I also found it annoying how DH couldn't stop looking at her dancing right in front of us all night. I literally had to remind him where the band we were watching were.

I spoke to a friend about it and as all girls do they asked me if she was pretty. So i found her on DH FB page to show her.
A few days later i went to look for her again and he was no longer friends with her? I then decided to do a naughty thing and look on the Ipad at his FB messenger App... Strangely enough he had deleted it? We share the Ipad but i rarely use it so its always logged in to his account and the messenger app was on there a week before hand....

I've confronted DH and he doesn't know why she deleted him but he just says its in my head and nothings going on. I want to believe him, but i feel I will never know the truth.

What would you think in this rambling of a situation...

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 29/12/2018 16:49

Are there any likes of any other steam related activities on her fbook page? Is she a rail fan at all?

Original poster
DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 16:52

She’s in to horses and DH works in agriculture, although she’s shop based and he’s a technician. So therefore he spends most of his days out on jobs

OP posts:
BrendasUmbrella · 29/12/2018 16:54

Crispysausagerolls - I don’t get the feeling this is an affair. I get the feeling she might be in to him and he’s enjoying the attention. Hence when I say I trust him but feel crazy at the same time.

He's withholding information from you, how can you trust him? He must be blocked for a reason. She must have avoided speaking to him while you were there for a reason, but rushed to speak to him when you walked away. There is definitely something he isn't telling you. You're being gaslit.

Serialweightwatcher · 29/12/2018 16:57

Sorry NRFT but I don't think it sounds great either, especially with him watching her dancing instead of the band and deleting one app and not others ... I expect if he was talking to her, he could be texting her under a false name in his phone or has he got snapchat or whatever else? I know a friend of mine has a man friend under a woman's name so the kids don't find out (recently separated from husband and doesn't want to rock boat more)

Burnt0range · 29/12/2018 17:02

OP, is there a chance something has happened between your DH and this young girl and she now feels uncomfortable and/or upset about it which has caused her to block him?

Or, could something have been going on and she has asked him to leave you and he won't, so she has cut him off?

I just feel that if she is prepared to block him, perhaps she is cross with him for something? I doubt it's work related.

Slothslothsloth · 29/12/2018 17:03

Honestly, why would she block him for no reason? Answer: she absolutely wouldn’t. There’s a reason and he knows it and isn’t telling you.

Sorry OP. It’s not looking great, just in terms of his deception, whether or not there’s been a physical affair yet.

raspberrycordial · 29/12/2018 17:08

Are you sure she has blocked him and not the other way round? You can see in his blocked list if it was him that blocked her. You wouldn't be able to find her from his account if he had blocked her, same as if she had blocked him.

SuperSuperSuper · 29/12/2018 17:16

Youngsters of this age often use social media to make points.

It's either because he's irritated her by being pervy, or because she's made a pass at him which was (surprisingly to her) rebuffed, or because a fling has fizzled out.

Something's gone on. The blocking didn't happen for no reason.

It's a shame he can't be frank with you.

Original poster
DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 17:16

She wasn’t on his blocked list. So it’s her that blocked him. He has no answer as to why she might of done it.

If I’m honest I feel crazy! I know there’s reasons for me to feel suspicious but then feel crazy as I can’t imagine him actually doing something.

My head is all over the joint and now I feel / sound like a crazy bunny boiler. He never works late so I don’t know when he could possibly have an affair. Which is what makes me think this is a flirty thing not an affair.

He seems to not know why he’s blocked and I can’t do anything other than take his word for it. I can’t wxactly message her and ask as then I’ll look like the crazy wife and everyone at his work will know I’m off my rocker. And I know most of his work friends and don’t want them thinking I’m mad (even though I am)

OP posts:
waxy1 · 29/12/2018 17:26

Deleting the Messenger app is done because you can’t log out of it.

When you download the app again, your FB password is required.

JellycatElfie · 29/12/2018 17:27

Maybe she’s just deleted her Facebook and that’s why she’s disappeared?

JellycatElfie · 29/12/2018 17:27

Can you not re download messenger too?

waxy1 · 29/12/2018 17:29

She needs his password to get into his Messenger messages, on the re-downloaded app.

Original poster
DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 17:29

I re-downloaded it and found nothing. That’s when I went to go to her profile to open a new message to her, as it knew it would show any previous conversations between them, and discovered she had blocked him

OP posts:
waxy1 · 29/12/2018 17:32

They are likely to be on some other chat app.

GhostHoward · 29/12/2018 17:32

OP I desperately wanted to tell you you were being unreasonable.

But you don't block someone on FB for no reason. Delete, yes, but block??

My money would be on your DH being inappropriate towards her; there being a "fling" that is no more; or an, at least, emotional affair.

My STBXH cheated on me with other women. He never actually had sex with them but messaged them inappropriately/sent them pictures (mostly when I was in the house). He arranged to meet a couple of them but to my knowledge that never happened. (not that that mattered..he'd lost my trust by that point.)

He's being manipulative and trying to downplay the situation. It's easy to delete messages, especially as he was given the heads up.

waxy1 · 29/12/2018 17:33

You’ve got his password?

That could be why they’re off Messenger and incommunicado on FB.

Laiste · 29/12/2018 17:38

The truth is usually the most simple and obvious explanation. Ocrams (sp?) razor and all that.

The two undeniable occurrences that you know about are:

  1. He was staring at her an unusual amount. (Unlikely to be the very first time).
  2. She's blocked him on social media.

Simplest explanation is that no.2 is because of no.1.

There may be extra details. But even if not i'd be very cold with him at the very least.

areyoubeingserviced · 29/12/2018 17:39

He fancies her, she knows it and so do you.
He has shown a lack of respect for you by making it obvious to all and sundry that he fancies this girl ; staring at her in your presence. How bloody embarrassing
Ask how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were checking out s handsome young stud in his presence

Highginx · 29/12/2018 17:40

It’s very very very unlikely that he’s the innocent party her, OP.

He’s clearly very attracted to her and now you have evidence of her actively trying to push him away, not the other way around!!!

Original poster
DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 17:41

I’ve seen no other chat apps on his phone. He doesn’t use snapchat. Literally just FB and Instagram.
No I don’t have his password. I discovered the deleted app and confronted him and after I re downloaded it in front of him made him put his password in.

I do think he’s pushing it being my insecurities but he also knows how awful my anxiety is and having a full blown panic attack in front of him ended up with him in tears at how much this is eating away at me. Hence why I then feel I’m in the wrong. My head is broken and I don’t know what to think or do. I love my H to bits but this is so confusing.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoraBella88 · 29/12/2018 17:44

I asked about how he would feel and he says that he can see how it looks and why I feel how I feel. But he says nothings going on / happened. Where do I go from that?

OP posts:
Laiste · 29/12/2018 17:44

I totally understand OP. I haven't been there myself but i know i'd be the same.

The thing to do is look at the facts. Go from there.

He's stared at her.
She's deleted him.
He's not saying anything helpful.

You have reason to be suspicious and peed off.
Allow yourself that much. Try to calm down and do/say nothing for 24 hours.

Highginx · 29/12/2018 17:45

Message her. Tell her you’re concerned about the block and why the hell did he do?

Laiste · 29/12/2018 17:45

That's an option ^^