To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

It's certainly expensive, and there are aspects that are hard. DC3 is currently 10 weeks old and the baby stage is tough... but IMO it gets a lot easier as they get older.

Also depends on your personal situation I think. I have three and I find it easier than my friend who has one but really struggles as he is a terrible sleeper and is quite clingy and needs constant attention whereas my older DC have always been great sleepers and happily entertain themselves.

I find it so funny/frustrating when parents spend hours moaning about their children but then are puzzled why I am remaining childfree...erm just listen to what you said

Lots of people have addressed the emotional side of it, but I'm also finding the idea that having children isn't expensive quite laughable.

As a nanny, your salary will have been paid out of your employer's post-tax salary, which is then taxed again to pay your contributions. Your employers are essentially earning to the tune of two full time jobs in order to pay you what is presumably a reasonable wage, as qualified 1-on-1 childcare. And whilst having a nanny is probably one of the more expensive ways of having childcare, I don't know many places that you get much change out of £1,000 per month per child for FT care, more so around us.

That's of course not including entire wardrobes for each child, each season (as they do grow). And food. And a slightly larger home because they do need a bedroom. And anything you do, even if it's relatively cheap, has to be multiplied by the number of participants - so a cheap ticket to something is suddenly £100 without any drinks or snacks. Or a 'cheapy' holiday abroad in school holiday times at £250 a head is still a grand for four of you.

Every single thing you do, multiply it by the number of people in your family - that's how much it costs. And you won't earn more. As a woman, the statistics say you're actually likely to be earning less. So your currently perfectly lovely lifestyle for one becomes absolutely without non-essentials because there's no money for them.

guac so report it, if you think that’s what the situation is.

I find it so funny/frustrating when parents spend hours moaning about their children but then are puzzled why I am remaining childfree...erm just listen to what you said

My bil is always on about how gruelling his last ultra tough marathon with nobs on (not it's actual name) was, but he still signs up to more, and thinks everyone would enjoy running if they tried it.

People are queuing up to climb Everest despite it being hugely expensive and literally killing people.

Just because something is hard doesn't mean they don't also find it worthwhile, to the point that they feel you are missing out.

(Not saying you have to agree with them, of course! I'm definitely not taking up running any time soon...).

guac so report it, if you think that’s what the situation is.

Or I could continue to use the forum just how I like. I think I will stick with that.

MN won't delete a thread unless it's a personal attack and far better for people to respond to posters who are upset by the thread than to go tattling to the teacher.

If you have an issue with the way I post you can report me.

Moaning you are so right :) sometimes when things are easy we take it for granted - if it is difficult we appreciate it.

I do wonder about this. My sister loses her shit saying it's so hard with one school age child, a car, a house, a husband with a high earning job, etc.

It isn't as if she is in a third world country with 8 kids, in poverty and no access to contraception or medical care.

Or raising children during a world war and rationing.

Perhaps all this mind set started when life is just too comfortable.

@MoaningSickness i see what you're saying but i run ultra marathons aswell and only moan about them to other runners as I don't want to pur non runners off lol

As you are a childfree person OP, you can easily stop parents from moaning. As soon as they start, simply say -'Yes, it sounds really awful. I have no idea why anyone would ever want to become a parent'. 9 times out of 10 the moaning will stop. The downside will be that you have to listen to how fulfilling it all is and how little Johnny is totally worth it instead....

😂😂😂

Currently 33wks pregnant FTM so not much to go on so far.

But something a nurse said to me in the EPU when I was having issues.

She said that being a parent is seeing those 2 lines on a test. Knowing your life is about to change massively. And your brain switching. You worry about them and care for them. Put them first. That never goes away. Being a parent isnt jsut 18 years of anixity and worry for them its forever. You constantly have that in your mind.

I imagine its things like this. The emotionally intense side of things that are draining. As others have said " are this ill?" "Is this in their best interests?" Etc.

@NikiFree I see your point but how on earth your sister could appreciate the difficulty of any of those circumstances if she hasn't experienced them is beyond reason I think.

Any or all complaining is relative. And within reason that's ok from time to time. Being well off or warm and comfortable doesn't mean you can't have a bloody good whinge from time to time.

It is what you make it. Sometimes it can feel hard and relentless and I got lost in it, especially since DC2 although he possibly has SEN. I wouldn't change it most of the time but I do miss myself sometimes.

@puppymouse of course I agree.

Things seem so hard for us but then again out lives are beyond luxurious for people in the third world.

We can't understand how hard their lives are though which is why I said this happens when life is too comfortable.

Most people on the planet have children. In the first world such heavy weather is made of it.

“This is the hardest thing ever” says every new parent, always.

And yet people STILL don’t believe them and are surprised when they have their own little sprog and are tired/stressed/poor.

Before I had children I was completely clueless to how hard a job it is (and used to have the same mind set as you) it's also the most rewarding though but people just love to moan.. it's prob after a tough night of no sleep they love to moan.. I know I've had a moan or two about mine but it's all in jest. It really can be very hard work and you'll only really get it once you are a mum.

Although you work with children op you get to go home and rest at the end of the day.. when your a mum it's a 24 hr job .. that's the difference. That why grandparents never groan about their grandkids as they know they can give them back at the end of the day

Parenting is by far the single most difficult, hard work thing I have ever done and will ever do in my whole life. I worry everyday about whether I'm doing it right. Everyday there are new challenges. There is no manual and there are always surprises. The baby years with DS1 were exhausting and a complete shock to the system (unlike you, i'd not really been around kids prior to my own! And DS1 was extremely challenging!!)

That said, being a mum is the best, most amazing,most incredible thing I have ever done in my life and will ever do. I love my 2 children more than I could ever put into words and if my DH would agree, I'd have a third!

You may understand a bit when (if) you have your own. It's hard to explain parenting to a non-parent.

guac I just think it’s weird to say something is stupid when there are hundreds of comments.

Quite arrogant.

I found it got harder and harder and was and less rewarding so it really was too late by tge time i worked it out.

I found the early years a piece of piss , my children were placid , biddable and slept well.

It was the teen years and 16+ that it became extremely fucking hard work.

I think the key difference here is that as a nanny, you have the option to switch off and walk away. Ultimately the children are not your overall responsibility and if you aren't happy about the situation, you can be free of it very easily. You will have days off and your own life, something which many parents won't have. Without help, it is relentless and I can see why some parents would moan or be unhappy, as much as they love their children.

It's hard when you are an introvert who needs some alone time to stay sane and if you don't have any family nearby to offer help and back up.

You have clearly just started this thread to have a go.

Maybe its not that hard if youre a well off know it all who has extensively financially planned and doesnt want a life, no.

I worked with kids before having them and the two are nothing alike.

Your own kids wake in the night. A lot. They act good as gold outside the house and save all their stress and grumps and bad behaviour for you because that's where they feel safest. Your body is not your own, particularly if you breastfeed. It's a 24/7 job and it can be relentless. It's NOT anything like looking after someone else's children and handing them back at the end of the day.

It's also the best thing in the whole world and I wouldn't change them for anything.