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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

610 replies

zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 13:01

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 29/12/2018 16:15

My sister is a GP and got quite a shock when she had her own. She was sure she knew how to look after a child, how to manage tantrums, illnesses and lack of sleep. She laughs now that she realises it’s completely different being a parent than minding a child, when your body and mind are tied to the child.

cadburyegg · 29/12/2018 16:19

It’s hard yes but the lovely moments have made it worthwhile. But everyone struggles with different things. I struggled massively after DS1 was born with breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, his constant crying. He was a very active toddler but not many tantrums. I found looking after a toddler whilst being pregnant absolutely hideous. DS1 is now nearly 4 and DS2 is 9 months and having 2 isn’t as difficult as I imagined but DS1 has become harder work since his brother was born.

Working in childcare even long hours is not the same. You get a lunch break. You get to go home and switch off when the last child goes home. You don’t have to get up in the night with a teething baby and then go to work the next day. You don’t wake up in the night worrying over the latest drama. You’re less likely to get judgemental comments with the kids in public and even if you did you aren’t their parent so you don’t feel like their behaviour reflects on you so much. It’s much easier to book days off and have the weekends to yourself to recharge. You don’t feel guilty for wanting a break. Often kids are on their best behaviour at nursery, btw!

Hope that helps!

That being said I try to keep any moaning to an absolute minimum.

crispysausagerolls · 29/12/2018 16:23

There are some things in UK culture which make it harder (really strict routines which are unnatural and make children upset to go to her and wake up insanely early) and lack of cosleeping

This is sooooo true!

mumsastudent · 29/12/2018 16:24

& its not up to you to fight for any diagnosis or extra support for your child if they have any needs- whether educational, health or whatever. The worry & concern getting these supports finding the right route - filling in b#### forms is exceptionally hard & being blamed for special needs child's behaviour or development - or being informed that if only you did this from everybody (or so it seems) & the extra unforeseen costs. It doesn't mean that you don't love the dc but sometimes you need to blow off steam & that is what this feed is about & what YOU should be helping or listening for as a professional - I know I did (I was a community childminder specialist in children & families with extra needs). DC are all different & some are straightforward & some have issues -like families.

planespotting · 29/12/2018 16:24

I don't think this thread is stupid. It is actually good to get people talking about their experiences and how it is not all like in the movies.

Of course it is different for everyone! I am an older mum with nobody but DH in the country and I am exhausted and it is very expensive. I wouldn't change it, I love being a mum but it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Good to get true experiences from real parents

FatGirlWithChocolate · 29/12/2018 16:25

Sorry as a childcare practitioner you only have any idea of the external aspects of childcare. And it is not that hard, especially when you get a break. It is the mental load we carry as parents all the bloody time that does us in

This. You just don't know until you experience it. Even when you are off "duty" you are on "duty". Always.

ChodeofChodeHall · 29/12/2018 16:26

It's really, relentlessly hard when you don't have any family support. We hardly slept for the first two years and even now DS is 9 we only get an evening out together once or twice a year.

If you have two sets of helpful grandparents, it would be an absolute doddle.

MillionScarletRoses · 29/12/2018 16:26

OP you are only so smug because you haven’t had your own children yet. You don’t yet know that they behave better for a stranger, a teacher or a nanny. They aren’t yours, so it doesn’t hurt you in the same way if they misbehave, it is always somebody else’s problem at the end of the day! When you are a parent the buck stops with you. And you are judged for their behaviour/manners whether your kids are with you or away from you.

You have no idea. You still believe that if you do everything right, you will get the expected outcome, guaranteed. While parents know you can do A well and it will not lead to B, but may lead to Y. But you did A well and really tried your best. Why is it Y instead of B? And guess what, it is your fault. Because you are the parent.

roundaboutthetown · 29/12/2018 16:28

They're probably hoping their hugely experienced sil will bugger off with the kids for a day or two and give everyone else a break. Wink

Youmadorwhat · 29/12/2018 16:29

There’s a HUGE difference between “looking after” and parenting unfortunately. So I personally don’t think that they are comparable

ThorsMistress · 29/12/2018 16:34

I have 2 children. Aged 7 and 3 months. I wouldn't say it was that hard. Expensive, yes, but then we just cut back on luxuries like takeaways etc.

I don't think you can compare working with kids to having kids though.

Once your finished work you can go home, shower, eat, drink a hot drink etc. Where as with kids mine you don't get that. The baby seems to just know when I want to eat or even just use the loo and the eldest takes years ages to get to sleep.

By the time they're both in bed it's time for me to sleep but only for a few hours as the baby then needs feeding.

rubyroot · 29/12/2018 16:36

It's not hard as such, but a big change and responsibility as you have someone else's needs to look after and get very little time to yourself. That said, I wouldn't moan about it and would love another as my little one makes me smile and laugh every day

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 29/12/2018 16:38

I’m a children’s nurse, I can look after other people’s children but having my own is totally different. I’m emotionally involved in mine, with other people’s you haven’t got that immense worry you have with your own. Plus it is relentless. Despite any experience I have with children I still took my own babies home after I’d given birth thinking ‘now what?!’.

guacatrole · 29/12/2018 16:40

When DH was ill he didn't take time off because was harder to be at home with three small children.

guacatrole · 29/12/2018 16:41

Never had the luxury myself though!

Toptheginup · 29/12/2018 16:41

1 child relatively easy, second extremely hard. I think it depends on the amount of sleep they allow you to have Grin. Financially it is expensive if living on a low income and once they get older they want branded clothes like their friends. When they are little you can dress them quite cheaply.

Ethel36 · 29/12/2018 16:45

I think parents expectations have changed over time. I never went to clubs as a child as we couldnt afford it. My friends went to either brownies or scouts. Today i notice most children I know has joined at least 3 clubs per week. Swimming, dance and cheerleading. These clubs are not cheap! I also hate the idea of taking the children to a plastic ball filled centre and paying for them to play! I take mine to the park, woods, bike rides whether it's raining or not!

puppymouse · 29/12/2018 16:51

I think it depends on the type of person you are or the lens you look through.

DD is a very easy child in many ways - since school broke up she's slept nearly 13 hours straight every night, including Xmas eve and she hasn't faltered in her please and thank yous. She eats pretty much the right things and you can negotiate a decent amount of mouthfuls so she isn't snacking on crap. She has no siblings to fight with.

But....

In this lovely weird time between Xmas and NY I would LOVE to just stay in bed, go to the pub, ride my horse and lie around reading and listening to music. Instead I am dashing home from the stables to relieve my husband so he can get some stuff done or sit down. She wants to be played with or company constantly. She never wants to go if you need to pop out for some errands and she gets bored sometimes which makes her whiny. It's just tedious and draining and you never feel like you own your own time.

But, I know we have it much easier than other parents. I'm just not a natural Blush

Colourfullanguage · 29/12/2018 16:51

I totally agree that as a parent you never switch off and that is a new level of tiredness!

But actually, I haven’t found it as hard as some. What I’ve noticed is that people with one child find life generally much easier. People with two find it so much harder. I’m sticking with just one. However I think I also have to quietly count my blessings that my daughter is very chilled out and easy (she is now 4). My friends have had some extremely difficult children. They are all individuals after all!

My sister has found it SO SO hard. I wondered why she bothered to have two to be honest. She can’t explain it other than to say “she always wanted 2”. She used to tell me constantly how hard I would find it once I had my own...I maintain that sticking with just one has ensured I kept my sanity.

Disclaimer- I also know people who have rocked having two or three children...just fewer of them!

Blackbears · 29/12/2018 16:53

In my experience the parents who have found it hardest we’re those who had worked with young children and thought they knew what it would be like. In reality 24/7 of all the work but also the worries especially if your child has disabilities, is very different from handing them back at 6pm and pleasing yourself for the rest of the day and all weekend.

Youmadorwhat · 29/12/2018 16:53

It doesn’t matter what hours you worked with those kids the fact is when you walked away it was a matter of out of site out of mind. And also you must know that as a parent you get all the shit from your kids...they save it especially for you because you are their safe place!! That in itself can be draining at times. So if I were you I’d go and have some kids and revisit this thread in about 6/7 years!!

Topseyt · 29/12/2018 16:54

I'd call it relentless. 24/7, 365. I'm glad I did it, and as the youngest of my three is now 16 we are out of the other end now.

It has certainly been very expensive though, if you count the years of lost salary when the cost of childcare for three more than wiped out my earnings. It was the reason I became a SAHM for years.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 29/12/2018 16:55

guac if you think it’s stupid, just ignore it then.

Do you often join in with things you think are stupid? What a waste of time.

MamaHechtick · 29/12/2018 16:56

I think there's almost a trend to moan about your kids, you only have to look at mummy blogs and the rise in books.

The first 6 months I found hard, the change to our lives and that we didn't have our parents or any help. Neither of us had hardly any experience with children either.
Now we have two, I'm on my own a lot as DH works away, sometimes we don't see him for a month, I also have a disability which I think makes it more tiring. But I don't think it's too hard or a struggle. DC's are 5 and 6 now, the expense isnt huge but I don't know if that's because anything we did before has stopped and we just use that money for them.

The only time I find it hard is when I'm with other people, mainly DH's family and I feel slightly judged if there's any tiny lapse in their behaviour.
I do wonder if I've had it easy and have easy going DC's but it's not as hard as I thought it would be.

guacatrole · 29/12/2018 16:58

Do you often join in with things you think are stupid? What a waste of time.

I will say when I think someone has posted a goady stupid thread yes, because they post these threads purely to upset.