Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

610 replies

zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 13:01

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

OP posts:
Badadadum · 29/12/2018 17:40

I think it is for some people and you are someone who is paid to look after kids, you can just up and leave if the situation doesn't suit you - as a parent you really don't have that option and kids are not little robots they behave in ways you don't expect and you just have to work through it - a bit of empathy might help? Maybe you'd like to come back and update us after you've raised your kids - it's a step into the unknown.

MirriVan · 29/12/2018 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 29/12/2018 17:44

Threads like this just expose the ignorance of some people.

We are all different. Some people struggle with things other people find easy. Some children are harder to raise than others. Some people have hard lives and daily struggles - depression, health problems etc. Some people have a rose-tinted view of parenthood and never seem to adapt to the actual reality of being a parent.

Some people moan.

littlecloudling · 29/12/2018 17:44

Being a parent is 24/7
That's what is exhausting.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/12/2018 17:45

The thing is, MirriVan, is that you can tell people but knowing it intellectually isn't the same as actually experiencing it for the first time!

SerenDippitty · 29/12/2018 17:48

I think that because parents always qualify it, when they say how hard it it is, by saying but it’s the best thing ever, no one really believes it is that hard until they have their own.

MirriVan · 29/12/2018 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnAbbieLian · 29/12/2018 17:51

If I got my primary fulfilment from being a parent it would be easy, but because I need more than that to be fulfilled juggling "stuff I need to do to feel fulfilled" and "fulfilling my responsibilities" is infinitely harder than before I had kids.

It's good to have responsibilities - there's something really empty and misery inducing about not having them (even despite the initial sense of freedom), but they are always going to take time away from other things.

Ijumpedtheshark · 29/12/2018 17:51

I love my DS more than anything but he is exhausting. I’ve been tired for 3 years now as he gets but at 5:30am if we’re lucky and is full on all day. No more children for me!

Jux · 29/12/2018 17:52

I once had a hard, very physical job. I worked up to 22 our shifts, 6 days a week minimum. I remember loking at my schedule once and couldn't remember when I last had a day off. I pointed out to y bossthat the 3 week long schedule he'd given didn't give me a day off. I asked my boss whenI'd la been off. Helooked at the old shedule and couldn't find a day off for me there either. In the end he gave me 2 days off in a row at the beginning of the next schedule. At least 6 weeks with no day off.

I found looking after dd in those first months harder than that job. Wn I left work at the end of 22hours, even though I was going to have t be back in than 8 hours, that time was my own. With dd, time of my own didn't exist.

sickmumma · 29/12/2018 17:55

I was a nanny before having my own children! The difference is the mental drain - as a nanny you go home and switch off, you never switch off as a parent and are constantly questioning yourself have you done things right etc and I would say I am pretty relaxed with the parenting thing on the whole. Although I do have three children so they obv increases stress. For me the hardest part is the household stuff, I just wasn't made to be a housewife of any sort and I hate it with a passion. I love my children though and though I tear my hair out at times I would never get fed up of it even all the boring mundane bits!

Cornettoninja · 29/12/2018 17:56

You can tell me how amazing Hawaii is but I won’t actually appreciate what it has to offer unless I go myself - then truely appreciate it’s a chain of pissing volcanos!

I think a lot of moaning (particularly to people without children) stems from missing their ‘old’ life.

I adore dd (3), the inevitable but is that despite her making me laugh every single day and marvel at the way they learn and develop I dearly miss sleep, popping out on a whim, and not having to negotiate with a tiny terrorist in a Batman costume. The reality of that can’t really be prepared for tbh.

Onescaredmuma · 29/12/2018 17:57

It depends really one child was easy number 2 came along with Severe reflux causing sleep issues not so easy but nothing we couldn't handle. Number 3 came with numerous health scares in the womb ended up costing us £500 for the harmony test not on the NHS at the time. All well then more health scares extra trips to hospital time off work for DH as we have no one else to have our other 2 DCs
DS has issues with his breathing (nothing serious but prepared for asthma diagnosis in a few years get bronchialitis regularly) more trips to hospital and a week in the ICU away from home more spending (petrol and car parking alone in excess of £50) we weren't expecting and difficult times as we have no family to watch our other DCs. Alot of parenting is balancing on the edge of a knife all going well its fine but just a tiny thing going wrong and you loose your balance and it all goes to hell. But no one can really say parenting is easy or hard as no 2 children are the same and neither are parents what one person finds easy another may find impossible. Chances are if my 3rd was my 1st he'd be an only as I could not go through that stress again in pregnancy my cousin on the other hand had a very stressful first pregnancy but went on to have number 2 very shortly after and no health scares at all second time around.

mathanxiety · 29/12/2018 18:01

Like literally can't talk about anything else apart from how bad it is for them. Full stop. No other subject to talk about. Oh yeah apart from having more cause that will help the situation

You only find out that parenting is not what it's cracked up to be or that you are not cut out for it when it's too late. It takes some people a while to accept it all and get on with the job. Some never do.

Maybe your relatives are people with a negative mindset, wallow in misery, love to play gloom top trumps.

Or else they are not adjusting to parenting well or have depression issues and are seeking to make things better by creating the excitement of another baby.

I agree you come across as not liking the person or people doing the constant complaining.

Maybe the relentlessness of their conversation as you experience it is how they are experiencing parenting?

Badadadum · 29/12/2018 18:05

Mil says dh was easy - she thought she was an amazing mother, so she had another go and had twins and the twins had significant health problems - there's no way to predict the future but you can be smug and brilliant about how you are going to be with your imaginary family - reality is a different beast.

RedPanda2 · 29/12/2018 18:06

@Cornettoninja 'not having to negotiate with a tiny terrorist in a Batman costume' that really made me laugh!!!

Cornishclio · 29/12/2018 18:13

Yes parenting is hard. No days off when you are feeling ill. Constant 24 hour demands day and night depending on child and age. Expensive as they need constant reclothing, childcare, entertaining and lost income due to childcare needs. Working in childcare is not the same.

I would not begrudge any parent the odd moan but to have them constantly do it just makes you think why have more. Are you staying with relatives with kids so can't escape it? It sounds tedious and I think I would have gone home by now especially if the kids are screaming. Xmas is difficult as kids are hyped up with over stimulation with presents, sugar and irregular sleep routine and constant visitors. Not the normal state of affairs at all.

SirGawain · 29/12/2018 18:20

Why do people have children even when it’s a financial struggle OP?
If you have to have it explained you’ll never understand!

squiglet111 · 29/12/2018 18:28

It depends on the kid. My first born is a dream. Slept through from early on and generally easy going. He was bottle fed and I think that makes a difference. My current lo is fully breastfed and doesn't sleep longer than 3 hrs and won't be without me. The lack of sleep makes it so much harder. If I had bottle fed her and she was less dependant on me then my experience would be difference. At the moment I regret breastfeeding her as I can't share the load and never get a break! Or maybe it's just her and she might have been a frequent night waker even if on formula!

cadburyegg · 29/12/2018 18:29

What I don’t think has been mentioned is how fucking hard it is to look after kids when you are ill. I got SPD and sciatica with DS2 (didn’t with DS1), chasing after a 2 year old became impossible. I also got a tummy bug and was vomiting all night and had to look after him the next day also. DS2 was my 3rd pregnancy, my second ended in a traumatic miscarriage which required various interventions, medication, surgery, antibiotics and 3 weeks off work. My DH managed to get some time off work and my mum helped too but I still had to look after a 2 year old on my own some of the time whilst trying to recover from it. I couldn’t tell him I was off sick.

AlbertWinestein · 29/12/2018 18:31

Nannying and parenting are completely different ball games. There’s a lot more to being a good parent than the physical care of the child.

But yes, the moaners should know their audience. There’s very little more boring to someone without kids hearing how wonderful/crap having children is.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 29/12/2018 18:34

I think sometimes people let kids control them. I asked my daughter for a list for Christmas. I said I couldn't promise everything she was happy and that was that.
I don't really think having. A child has to be expensive unless you make it expensive.

MirriVan · 29/12/2018 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 29/12/2018 18:38

And I don't mean that in any big headed way. I know people with kids who are not happy with whatever they are given and that must be tough. Op I think you have to realise that childcare is different to being a parent.

planespotting · 29/12/2018 18:45

@NikiFree
It isn't as if she is in a third world country with 8 kids, in poverty and no access to contraception or medical care.
*
Or raising children during a world war and rationing.*

I hear you and I will tell you that I have been stopping myself from complaining about my DC because of all those things, or sick children Sad

But it is hard. It could be harder! Oh gosh, war or post war children Sad

But it is very hard regardless, and my life is so much more exhausting now. I chose to have DC yes! But I will admit that I had no clue it would be this exhausting and challenging

Swipe left for the next trending thread