To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

I love having kids, I was never maternal and never around kids, none in the family when I had mine. I d held two babies on two separate occasions when I had DD!! I had two under two at one point and our nursery bills were around £1500 a month but that passes very quickly. They are 9 and 11 now and amazing, I love being with them and personally feel my life would be very boring and unfulfilling without them!

No. It's really not. I have 2 children and I've been waiting for it to get as hard as I always heard it was. Never did. I avoided having kids for ages because I heard it was so hard . It's honestly so easy. There are some things in UK culture which make it harder (really strict routines which are unnatural and make children upset to go to her and wake up insanely early) and lack of cosleeping... I think both these things make having kids in the UK more difficult than other places.

Looking after children while also taking care of ungrateful inlaws who don't know when to fuck off home is hard.

If child care is so easy why are nannies paid so well? Care to take a pay cut as it's piss easy? I can't help but think starting a goady post on a parenting site was, uh, well goady.

Also, I've done both and yes, it's completely different as any idiot should realise.

As for why people have children when things are expensive, again, are you really asking why people who were born in a very expensive country through no choice of their own would choose to breed? It's a biological imperative. Check out the infertility section, people watching their mental health and relationships break down because they can't have a child.

I worked with children for 10 years before I had my own
Fuck me 🤭 I never thought it would be this hard

I don’t find it hard, I love being a parent and to my own self disgust sometimes find myself thinking that my greatest ‘achievement ‘ in life is my DCs. It’s as expensive as you want to make it, once you get past the basics of food and shelter the rest is almost optional. You can go down the private school and health care route or not. By them a load of stuff or not. Get the 2nd hand clothes or new ones or designer. Spend a load of money on a holiday abroad or take the. To a U.K. campsite.
We’re in the fortunate position of having 2 decent incomes and can afford ‘stuff’ but our kids don’t want stuff and gadgets and to go to Florida or ski-Ing, like most kids they just want our time, and attention and love. It’s a joy having kids -even if you do and will spend most of your life worrying about them!

60hours a week isn't the same as 168 hours a week nonstop you still got time off from these children (retired child minder who worked 70 a hours week!)

My full time nanny is finding it hard and exhausting at the moment. And she gets to go home 5pm to 8.30am and have every weekend off. So that tells you something. And she is as good as nanny as exists.

But one thing I will say is that providing childcare and being a nanny is NOT being a parent. It just simply isn’t and there’s no point in me trying to explain that to you because you can only know that with having kids of your own.

"It’s as expensive as you want to make it"

Sometimes that is not true.

It's honestly so easy

I must be doing something wrong then because I have a 5yo and a 9 week old and I feel like I'm drowning

I love being a Mum but it is one of the hardest things I have done. I have no support, so it is draining and tiring and relentless. I find it hard when I am very tired or sick especially. But I do enjoy it too. They are expensive but that doesn't bother me so much as I am not a big spender on myself. I think it is Def easier if you have family support and get a break. I am on day 8 of my child not sleeping and being up from 5am. It isn't a walk in the park. But I did choose to have them.

Well presumably when you’re ill you take the day off work and recover in bed, yes?

And when you’re at work looking after children, you’re being paid money as opposed to sacrificing all your earnings in order to look after them?

If you want to go in holiday you book it at the cheapest time of year and you only have to pay for yourself.

Any time you want to go out in the evening, it will only cost you the amount you spend while you’re out and not a minimum of £50 on a babysitter just so you can leave the house? And when you’re out, you can come home whenever you want?

@MinisterforCheekyFuckery, you are definitely not doing it wrong!

Everyone's experience is different, I am one of the very unpopular few who will admit that although I do love my kids, if I could go back in time I would have warned myself not to have them. I was utterly unprepared for how life would turn out and everyday is a struggle because I am not a naturally maternal person as it turns out.

This isn't to say that I would ever harm my kids or want them to go away but I definitely can't say there's ever been a moment I have found it "easy".

I have one son. He's just turned 4. I find it hard. Yes, expensive, but that's not the main issue. For me, it's that it's so relentless. My son is extremely busy. Never sits/rests/watches tv for any length of time. It's like the work never ends. I work full time too so there is no down time. That's what I find difficult. I guess it depends on the individual child.

It's all consuming. You never switch off from being a parent and thinking about your kids. It's very different from a job. I mean a have worked as a nurse, carer and support worker. But looking after a relative is very different,I have to think about the 24/7, every time the phone goes I worry, I'm constantly on call for them. You can be cooking a meal at home or just sitting down to watch a film and then changing an adult diaper. It's the same with a child. They are always there, there is no off.

That doesn't mean it's necessarily hard, difficult, tiring, but it can also be all of those things.

I have 4, I spent the morning tidying, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen and loading the dishwasher, the children have created as much dishes, laundry and mess as I have cleaned in that time, in fact a lot more mess. I have a headache, I really could do with laying down and having some quiet but there are noisy children following me around, asking for a a snack, or a drink, or me to play with them etc. None of which is a compliant, I chose to have them and I love them, but I am tired.

Two of mine have additional needs too, so that can be different at times.

It's not a complaint though, I love them all. Plus I am in awe of teachers and childcare workers, especially this time of year and how much they do. I am sure every single teacher in my school must have slept for a week after all they did, how they do it with kids at home too I don't know.

I must be doing something wrong then because I have a 5yo and a 9 week old and I feel like I'm drowning

Don't be ridiculous.

Some people find gardening really easy. Plumbing. Being a doctor. Just because someone else doesn't doesn't make them shit.

No two situations are equal either. A poster up thread said how much she loved it but also mentioned having to pay 1500 pounds a month on nursery costs. I had three under three and could never have afforded those fees so I was 1. Poorer. and 2. Never getting a break until they started school basically. I also live in a foreign country and have 0 help from family.

I don't think I'm doing anything wrong. It IS hard.

The thing I find hardest is not being able to just eg go out on a massive bender, decide to go away to Paris for the weekend etc.

But overall, people that endlessly moan about how hard it is do my head in.

My husband isn’t British and he finds the moaning really odd. In his country, children are regarded as a blessing, not as a source of misery.

Stupid thread OP. Come back when you actually have some of your own and are qualified to have an opinion on the matter. Everyone is different and have different struggles. How about showing empathy for he people you question and try to help instead of starting a ridiculous thread on MN.

whatabout how is it stupid? Plenty of replies, many from parents who agree with her.

Not RTFT as it's long!

I had perinatal depression and anxiety which wasn't identified with DC1 but was obvious with DC2 (and I could see it was teh same but not as bad with DD1).

Without an essay, bottom line is that my mental health which was fine prior to kids has been really damaged by the effects of pregnancy etc and 10 years on I am still not quite better. It's been a very long road and am nearly there.

Obvo=iously when the kids were small and I was really very ill indeed, it was extremely difficult. Luckily my DH was extremely supportive (sadly not the rest of my family but that's another story!).

So for me having children was extremely difficult.

I also have a friend who had a traumatic birth and had PTSD for a long time afterwards, along with the physical injuries that took a long time to heal and of course she will never be how she was before.

This is my story around why I found kids hard and why someone else I know does / did.

Does that help?

whatabout how is it stupid? Plenty of replies, many from parents who agree with her.

Stupid because it's completely subjective. Yes some agree, many don't.

Stupid because she is making an ignorant assumption based on no personal experience whatsoever of parenting.

you should also note that as a nanny, aside from the time off and getting paid for it, you've not gone through the trauma of giving birth and all the "joys" that brings - hormonal fluctuations, breastfeeding, saggy boobs, stretch marks, PND, sometimes vaginal tears, feeling a decade older on top of the fact that you now have a screaming child to deal with makes it very difficult. Your body has just done one of the most, if not the most traumatic things it can ever do and recovering is hard!! So to compare a nanny job with having kids? it's a joke to be honest.

As PPs have said, it's relentless. A 24/7, 365 day a year job, for life.

You might have time off (days or weeks) away from the kids, but you are still a parent and still responsible for these persons. They are still in your head. And have been since the day you find out you are pregnant until, I guess, we die.

The day to day is harder for some than others. This is individual and subjective.

The massive commitment of parenthood is the hardest thing and a complete shock to the system.

Tree, I was thinking all that but also the ongoing hormones that cause such anxiety and worry that a nanny doesn’t have to deal with. The nanny’s partner or husband also isn’t dealing with becoming a parent and potentially putting strain on their relationship. It’s just nothing alike.

Yes I had a life changing birth injury too. It messed with my self esteem and mental health.

This was after my second child. The first one was a breeze.

Interested to know what the OP will think if she does have any of her own.

The difference is you go home from your childcare work and switch off. When you are a parent, especially a mother, you are switched on 24/7, no weekends, holidays or lunch breaks. If we, as parents, got guaranteed downtime as much as childcare workers do from work, 90% of us would have been fine and recharged to face the new day head on. The reality is you don’t even get any peace at night, let alone daytime. My first didn’t sleep through until nearly four. So you are physically and mentally burnt out from the relentless of it all.

Also it is impossible to forget you have got kids for a few hours and have that headspace free to recharge. Whatever you are doing, wherever you are, they are always at the back of your mind, are they all right. You are out with friends and every so often you think, how are my kids getting on, I hope they have gone to sleep ok etc etc

Sorry as a childcare practitioner you only have any idea of the external aspects of childcare. And it is not that hard, especially when you get a break. It is the mental load we carry as parents all the bloody time that does us in.