To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Maybe they felt the weight of your child free status somehow and a pang of jealousy?

I don't have kids because I think it looks like hard work with little reward. My sister has two children and I love them dearly but her life looks shit from where I am sitting.

Oh and 7 days is way too long in anyone elses apart from your nearest and dearest's company!

People who have kids like my DS1 would say parenting was a nightmare and people who have children like DD2 would say it was a breeze.

DS1 is now 29 and as lovely a young man as you would ever find.

But boy did he run us ragged when he was little and then as a teenager. I think there was a day when he was ten which went well.

I find the emotional side of it hard. I have five and if I knew how hard the emotional side of it would be when they are teens I wouldn't have had so many.

I found parenting in the younger years difficult at times but nothing like I do now. Nothing prepares you for the hurt and worry you feel when your children are hurting and you can't fix it.

Three of mine lost their dad to cancer, one of them was badly bullied and then struggled with MH issues. The worry and the hurt for them was intense . My son is still struggling in life and I hate that I can't fix it.

Somewhere up a bit someone said "if it's so hard why not stop at 1 or 2?"

I think we are tricked into believing it's easy 🤣🤣. I have 1 DD and she is good as gold. DB1 has 3 boys, his DS1 is an angel. Don't get me wrong he has his moments but he is an easy child. DS2 is loud, energetic and a handful. DS3 is the devil incarnate😂. Argumentative, loud, has to be right, doesn't sleep. DB2 has 2 DD. DD1 is an easy going, slept through for about 3 months, helpful, lovely. DD2 is loud, always on the go and a handful.

I love my niblings dearly but OMG am I glad when the youngest 3 go home. Which why I'm stopping at 1🤣🤣🤣

Seems like two separate issues OP.

1. Is it that hard?

It really can be. For me this was twofold and neither difficulty related to physical hardships such as getting up through the night. Other people have used the word relentless and that rings true for me. You are responsible for your own children all the time. You can’t hand them back, you can’t hand in your notice if it all gets too much. The second factor is the degree to which I care. I don’t know how attached you get to children you’re caring for. I should imagine you might become fond of them. But it’s a job and eventually you will walk away. The hardest times for me have been when they’ve been ill, and when there have been behavioural difficulties that I’ve felt would have an impact over the course of my children’s lifetime. Those aren’t physical difficulties, they’re mental and they are due to the intensity of my feelings for my children.

But the second issue is to do with the whinging. Have I spent much time moaning about it? No I haven’t and I particularly wouldn’t moan to anyone childless. If I need to talk, I chat to other parents who’ve been through similar problems.

So YABU if you dismiss how hard it can be to be a parent. But YANBU to be pissed off having to listen to constant moaning, and from the sound of it, the moaners in question probably we’re being very unreasonable.

OP, after your working day in childcare you can go to your own quiet home, relax, read a book, go to sleep whenever you wish and sleep through the night. Weekends are yours as well, I guess. Parents do not have this option.

As for having children being expensive - it’s not a question of spending money in newest toys, clothes and fun outings for the little darlings. It’s all about childcare costs. If one parent decides to stay at home to look after the kids, the family must do with one salary only. If both parents continue to work, often one salary or a large portion of it gets spent on childcare. Kids going to school doesn’t solve the problem, as it means a whole set of new expenses.

I guess the only way for you to find out whether it’s easy or not is to have children of your own, because no amount if talking about parenthood can really prepare you for it.

I've taught for 20 years and have 4 children and there is no comparison. I think being a mother does make one a more compassionate teacher but it cannot prepare for motherhood.
And motherhood does have its challenges and upsets and frustrations - I guess if parents need to voice these frustrations then it feels safe to do so with family who won't judge ... Obviously not the case in your family.

People have more as they are a) biologically programmed b) or like us did it for the sake of the first so they are not alone.

When you're away from home they are out of their routine and it's tiring and not easy. My DS is a homebird and it affects his eating/sleeping when we go away.

Maybe they are having a bad week. Give them a break. When/If you do decide to have your own you will come back to this post and think. Ah, now I understand what all the fuss is about.

It's the hardest job in the world. Constantly thinking about their needs/concerns/fears/hopes/. Everything else really does pail into insignificance by comparison.

We are expecting DC number 2 and im really hoping after reading this we have a good experience but like other people have said you just never know. Then regardless of the outcome. I will no doubt moan about things.

Morning makes us vent, purge, understand, overcome. Generally feel better about where we are on the parenting barometer.

I was the most carefree, unorganised, happy go lucky person before I had kids. It certainly does change you. Regardless of what you might think.

Not saying I'm now miserable as a result of child rearing. Quite the contrary. But when you have small human beings to take care of every hour of every day there is an inevitable change that takes place in all of us and you will be no different.

You will have to keep wondering until you live through the experience. Personally, I wouldn't want to go though life without the enrichment of children despite its difficulties.

I have 2 kids with differing SNs and it is bloody hard, harder than the average. You don't know what you are going to get, but you have to make the best of it!

I find the emotional side of it hard. I have five and if I knew how hard the emotional side of it would be when they are teens I wouldn't have had so many.

This with bells on.
Hope things pick up soon.

I am definitely stopping at 1, I have been permanently exhausted (mentally and physically) since before she was born, so about 3 years 😂. I absolutely love and adore the bones of her, but becoming a parent has definitely been hard work for me.

zebra1304
Just fyi- As a childcare provider - Do you know what SPaG is?

I'm a single mum and I find some days hard. I work as well and if I didn't have my parents to help me I'd be spending most if not all my wages on childcare as I get no financial help from my son's dad.
The toddler stage was the hardest but my son's now 7 and he's being tested for autism and adhd, he's also severely dyslexic.
So with respect OP, not everyone has an easy time with parenting and some may find it harder than others.
Most days I go to bed around 8pm simply because I'm so exhausted from having to start my day at 5am

My first DD was amazing, the sort of child you dream about. Slept 12 hours from 12 weeks, never tantrumed, just perfect polite and intelligent. So naturally, we believed parenting was easy so had another. From day one our second child was the devil incarnated, never slept, came out the womb having tantrums and is such hard work. About 6 weeks after he was born, my perfect DD also Turned a bit psycho (attention probably) and now I have 2 evil non-sleeping, demanding, tantruming devils. And yes, I would say it’s bloody hard.

Its always hard being a parent. After over 30 years of it there are some days when I still feel overwhelmed.
Kids don't come with a handbook. Its on the job training. The role never goes away.
You grow as a person I think. Kids teach you a lot about yourself. But some days after 30 years I don't think I did the right thing. Mine are supportive & loving btw

I have the world’s easiest DD age 9.
It is expensive to have even just one.
It’s relentless, especially when she is sick. There are no sick days for parents. My DH is great but works away a lot.
To be a good parent you have to be consistent and that is tiring. Exhausting.
I love her but I stopped at one

I used to be a nanny. For over ten years I looked after other people's children. Ages were under three months to 11. I was a fabulous nanny. I thought having my own would be a piece of cake. Then I got ill, had kids with problems necessitating private treatment, no family and things weren't a piece of cake after all.

Having children is a beautiful blessing.
I have 4 boys. Finabcially it wasnt perfect but they were never in need. You cant focus on how they will be when they get older just bring them with love and respect.
You will love it. It can be costly wirh nursery but for me the love overcome all the expense.

I used to do elderly care and worked nights. I went in one day and one of the more recent residents had her son and DIL visiting. They asked me about her during the night and whether she was a problem for me. I replied that she wasn't too much of a problem, she would get up a couple of times, being confused about the time, then once reassured, would settle back to sleep.

The DIL as upset and stated she felt guilty that I could cope but she couldn't.

I pointed out that she had to do that at night, then care for her MIL all day, then do it at night again, then all day....... it was relentless. I got to take my DC to school after my 12 hour night shift, then go home and get come sleep!

Surely OP, you can see the difference between working, no matter how many hours, but being able to walk away and not have the responsibility any more, once your shift is done?

Parenthood and the worry that often goes with it, never stops! My DD has a minor heart condition, my DS has something wrong with his eye that has required three operations so far, with another scheduled next year. My DD was bullied at school so badly it was affecting her mental health and mine! The school did not seem to care very much! You cannot compare being in the role of looking after a child to being their parent.

OP you've answered your own question on this thread.

Why do people go on and on about the same thing? Why are you going on and on about the same thing instead of putting your coat on and walking away? Think about it for one moment instead of telling us how, as a nanny, you've had so much insight into parenting that you can mind read everyone. All their hopes, fears and dreams - the things that parents don't tell you and that you may not even think about.

That's your answer. It's nothing to do with people finding parenting easy or hard. It's to do with having a moan. Like you are....ad nauseam even though you have 19 pages of answers now...

Your partner's family are having a moan about how hard their lives are at the moment and that's exactly what you're doing when you moan about not being able to understand why parenting is so hard. You're just moaning - like them.

You're not looking for an answer - the first post on here after yours would have given you that - you're just enjoying letting off steam.

Welcome to the parenting club. There is no answer to your question - some find it hard, some find it easy, some don't complain and others complain all the time. But you are now sounding just like your partner's family - albeit on another subject. It's like I said 'group complaining is contagious'.

I worked as a nanny and pre-school teacher before I was lucky (infertility issues) to have my little boy naturally. I was shocked at how hard it was! Physically & emotionally. I could not cope with the crying. He was a hungry baby and I struggled, though my partner (who had not experience of young children) didn't. I can only say that it is very different to anything that I have ever experienced. The love is so strong yet the irritation is also multiplied! Haha!
I now home school my soon to be 6 yr old and would not have it any other way.

Parenting is damn hard! I'm a single mum to 2. The youngest is so much more hard work than my eldest. He has autism and it is so incredibly hard at times. Utterly exhausting. As a single parent with no family or their dad around it's just the three of us, so I only get a break when they're at school. I'd have probably stuck with just one child had my youngest been born first as he's such hard work. I wanted 3 children but know financially I can't afford it, and my 2 are enough.

can be hard but nowhere as told on here , anyone reading would think parenthood is alike a concentration camp