To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

I have one DD yes of course it's sometimes challenging but she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My life has changed for the better. I have learnt so much & feel like I'm a better person because of it.

You've just got to see the bigger picture.

I'm not planning on having anymore though.

I found it tricky.
But I assume most people don’t, otherwise they would just stop at one child. And many people have more than one.

It is relentless at times, but as a new mum I have to say I wouldn't change it for the world and definitely wouldn’t be sat there saying how awful it is!

I have two children. When I just had my first they were so easy. My second is much harder, needs a lot more attention and even now at 3, wakes multiple times every night. It isn’t tiring. We do not have childcare other then myself. I do not have alone time and my DH and I very rarely get anytime that is just the two of us. Things that you take for granted with no children you do not get when you have them full time. BUT I wouldn’t change them for the world. Our time together can be so perfect and my love for them makes it all worth it. No matter how hard it can be. Just watching them sometimes can be the best thing in the world.

Similarly it is expensive, we had savings before having them, we still do have some which we save for big things. But I think it’s more that we want more for them, more room, nicer holidays, days out, which is more expensive.

As for the family you are staying with, Maybe the week you have had with them has been a bad one. Maybe they have had less sleep, with more excitement over Xmas, More arguments, etc it doesn’t mean that it is like that all the time for them.

*is tiring

Financially we haven’t found it THAT difficult because I search for bargains at Christmas and don’t buy a lot and only get 1 prezzie for each on their birthday. Don’t buy stuff throughout the year. Getting kids to listen to you, to learn and do the right thing is REALLY hard. Kids don’t always do what they are told the first time (mine certainly don’t). You’d think by the age of 13 they’d just have a shower and brush their teeth automatically- they don’t. Reading other threads in here about teens gives me an idea of what’s to come - you have to laugh (else you’d go loopy). They are all different tho. People keep having more because kids are fun and adorable even sometimes drive you round the bend

It depends entirely on the child’s personality and that obviously can’t be predicted.

I have four DC. My girls are tougher than the boys. Not a sexist statement by any means, some people find their sons more difficult but for me, my DD’s are by far... My eldest (DS) has always been very well behaved pretty much from the off. He was the type of baby you could take anywhere and he would never really make a sound, slept a lot. Only a couple instances of him being ‘naughty’ as a toddler too, he never really threw tantrums and so forth. He’s now almost nine and still very well behaved, quiet when we go out anywhere etc.

DC2 could not be more opposite. As a baby and toddler she was so attached to me she would scream the place down if anyone else even looked at her, she’d never let anyone else hold her at all. After DC1 this was a huge shock. I probably thought like you when I had DC1, like this isn’t so hard what is everyone talking about?! Sneered at parents on supernanny and such. DC2 was my karma I think for being such a cocksure twat . She is now seven and still highly strung- that’s the best way to describe her. She doesn’t really have a quiet bone in her body, her and DC1 are like chalk and cheese.

DC3 was like a combination of the two. Nowhere near as difficult as DC2 but equally not as quiet as DC1. She was also fairly attached to me to the extent I spent a good year with both her and DC2 sharing a bath with me- it was the only way I could get clean without them screaming the house down.

DC4 is only 9 weeks old but he’s already so much like DC1. He’s quiet, rarely ever cries, can take him anywhere with no trouble etc. So I’m thinking his personality may mirror DC1’s but obviously no way of knowing just yet.

I could have ten of DC1&4 and be an arrogant piece of shit about how simple parenting is but DC2&3 have humbled me .

I have a part time nanny because it works out cheaper than nursery and after school care and allows us more flexibility to work late. I certainly ‘give a shit’ about money. Honestly you sound very naive.
Everyone has their own struggles. For me it is the constant worry and guilt. Worrying about their behaviour, academics, friendships... it’s exhausting!

Thinking about DC2’s behaviour as a baby and toddler actually makes me cry a little inside, I have no idea how I got through at times. She was also terrified of public toilets to the extent she got a UTI once from refusing to go when we went out for the day. So stubborn she managed to hold the pee in for hours... THAT is the type of person she is . It was enormously difficult.

I have several friends in childcare and have found it hard to have children, they’ve realised it’s completely different, with the sleepless nights etc etc. My first child I didn’t find hard, but then when I had twins 2 years later, I’ve joined the moaners!!

Anyone doing this on their own is a fucking warrior.

Ah, Merry. I think you're the warrior here. for you. I hope the wee soul is better soon and you all get some much needed sleep!

Yes, working in a nursery is just like being a parent 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂 😂

I've worked with children (childminding, nurserys, after school groups).

I have 3 children.

It is nothing alike. At all. In any way.

DS2 has had issues and hasn't slept for more than 2 hours at a time for nearly 3 years. I'm fucking exhausted. Doesn't mean I can't be allowed to have a moan, or have another child if I wanted (as it happens, he's the last).

Yes, I’m afraid sometimes it is hard. My situation is this, one 9 year old boy with asd, and a 3 year old. I have a partner of 18 years who has been diagnosed with ms. Some days are great, tiring, frustrating but okay, other days are hell. I love my children and don’t regret having them at all, they’re healthy and happy, we aren’t well off by any means, but sometimes I would love to just stay in bed and not have to do anything for anyone.

Sure, it's tiring, because you are on duty every waking minute and nearly all your minutes are waking minutes. But experiences vary wildly. I had one non-sleeper who made my life hell for his first year and two good sleepers who were a piece of cake for the first year. One of them turned into a sensitive child who, though a delightful baby, turned into hard work as a toddler by over reacting to any tiny thing. He finally grew out of that at age 13 only to become a sarcastic teenager. The last one has been nothing but sunshine for 11 years. You get what you get, not what you expect. And if you are a negative person you will certainly find negative things to say about being a parent.

having children is just a thing that most people want to do, are happy to do, and accept there will be some expense involved. It doesn't have to be as much of a burden as some make out, but it does mean a lifestyle change

Seriously its not hadd op. Think people like to moan

For me, it was exhausting but not so hard until they went to school and started bringing tons of homework - they get on with it themselves, but organising the time, making sure it’s done is completely messing up my life and our family life, including at weekends. Why is 7-8 hours at school a day not considered enough for children to spend learning? What about work/life balance for kids? But it’s a whole topic for another thread.

Yes it is bloody hard regardless of expenses!!!! Even harder if you work!

My question to you is... would you ask a doctor the same question? My point being... if you've never done it you'll never know...

Im sure you're aware of the saying about walking a mile in my shoes?

@Silkei, you basically described my life for the first 18 months after DS was born. Motherhood is the hardest thing ive ever done, and I had no idea it would be so hard - I was the first of my friends and peers to have children, and while my mum died before DS was conceived, she told me that you love them so much even the horrible bits are enjoyable. Not so for me!

BTW I have a PhD and I didn’t find it difficult to get. But I don’t think that means everyone should find it easy! Probably the very temperament that made the PhD easy for me made me unsuited to enjoy a clingy refluxy baby (eg liking to be alone, liking to be in control, liking to read and spend time in quiet contemplation...)

Well it can be tiring, and difficult and expensive if you work and need childcare.
To be a good parent invested in their education and socialisation can be exhausting, but so worth it when they are grown and you reap the benefits.

Failed to add- its worth it!

Ffs you are a pain in the proverbial. You don’t like listening to people ‘moan ‘ but you come on a parenting website !! Of course it’s different being paid to look after kids V parenting them in every respect . But clearly has it’s positives and rewards .
I would have thought someone in childcare may have understood that a bit more tbh.

I think the big challenge at the beginning is the complete dependency of another human being on you. I wasn't prepared for that at all, and remember missing my pre-baby life just because it wasn't 24/7 responsibility and worry.

Once you get used to that, it's very much child dependent I imagine. My DS 3 years old has always slept well from a couple of months old and is a placid, sweet thing, so he's definitely easier than some kids you see! I'm expecting DC2 in less than 2 months and although I know it'll be hard having a newborn and a small child, I've already lost that "freedom" that only the childless have, and so I'm not expecting it to be so hard this time.

They are bloody expensive though. As they get older there's always something they need, and activities get more expensive.

I think it's hard. You can never sign off so to speak. If you don't have children I don't think you can ever understand the 24/7 thing.