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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

610 replies

zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 13:01

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

OP posts:
The4thSandersonSister · 30/12/2018 02:44

Sometimes people just don't have much conversation and revert to old standbys like The Children, The Career, Home Renovations, The MIL, The Ex, and just hash them to death over and over. Maybe they have taken a ten minute conversation piece and dragged it out until it feels like

The4thSandersonSister · 30/12/2018 02:44

...pressed in haste. Until it feels like a Shakespearean monologue.

planespotting · 30/12/2018 06:55

OP we have replied but again

What is it so hard?

First pregnancy and birth if you follow this route. You have no idea. Full stop.

Adoption. Incredibly hard.

Then you have the child right? I havent had a night sleep for 2 years.
I am CONSTANTLY thinking and watching over him, in life or in my head. I don't get to switch off my brain after 6/8/10 hours.
I love him so fucking much that I am using every single breath to ensure his happiness. It is exhausting.
I never sit down.
I can go 3 days with no shower as he won't let me go because of whatever reason
We have no family, I haven't been alone since 2016

I love him and I don't moan because it was my choice and I wouldnt change it. But you asked so I tell you.

Some people like moaning and they have it easier. I dont care. I care about my child.

The way you are talking about how the mum doesnt let them sleep in their own bed shows me you have no fucking clue though. It is not the lack of children that make you clueless, it is the fact that you dont fucking listen

santabelly · 30/12/2018 07:05

I find it difficult. But the thing I find most difficult that never leaves me is the worry that something might happen or that I might do something wrong that affects my dc. Even silly things like I snap at them and shout and feel so so bad after.

I used to watch my nanny and think wow you’re so lucky. You can go home and move on and even move onto the next set of dc.
If my nanny was off sick I would have extra stress scurrying around to sort extra childcare. Going to work to pay for childcare is also an added stress I didn’t have before dc and didn’t help when I had a baby who literally only slept in 20 minute increments until about one years old.

I don’t think it’s comparable, even a full time nanny to being an actual parent, also you do get breaks even on )9 hours a week you’d have been entitled to annual leave, I can’t remember the last day I wasn’t looking after my dc.
I can happily relax around other people’s dc and look after them. I can give them back and part of the responsibility lies with someone else. The 24/7 responsibility for if anything goes wrong even silly things like I make my dc upset is what makes it hard for me.

santabelly · 30/12/2018 07:06

60 hours a week*

RaymondHolt · 30/12/2018 07:15

I can't stand moaning either but they're obviously finding it really tough right now.

Maybe they have forgotten what it is to be themselves a bit and are feeling lost.

Why not use your wealth of experience to let them go out by themselves for a couple of hours for coffee or lunch? That might help stop it?

Magpiefeather · 30/12/2018 07:20

This thread has actually made me feel a bit better. I have been really really struggling and just wondered if I was shit at being an adult / parent, but you lot have made me realise it’s not just me finding it super hard.

I adore my child with every fibre of my being but even so I find not even being able to go to the loo on my own or take a shower without having bath toys pelted at me difficult.

Personally I think it’s one of those situations where everyone does tell you how hard being a parent is, how tired you’ll be etc etc but you just don’t realise to what level. And naively you think you can do better than others! Even subconsciously.

A friend shared a meme recently which was something along the lines of

“Of course you judge parents in restaurants before you have kids. That’s how the human race survives, each person thinking they can do it better before finding out no they fucking can’t.”

And no, I fucking can’t!

Claudia1980 · 30/12/2018 07:22

I find having kids really easy. I get annoyed with people saying we have no money, kids are so expensive etc etc . Okay cool, don’t have any then! Or only have one. Stop moaning!

Sleepyblueocean · 30/12/2018 07:32

All children aren't easy children. Circumstances can change so you could for example find that with the child you get, it is not possible to work.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 07:43

Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Some people find it much harder than others. It's certainly exhausting and all consuming and some of us are naturally calmer, more patient, more organised and more laid back. Extroverts probably find it easier to never have time to themselves whereas introverts might struggle with that and a general lack of peace and quiet. Naturally self-centred people might find it hard having to transfer their priorities to their children and have to fight the urge to constantly make sure their own whims and needs are met.

I stopped at 2 - I knew there was no way I was cut out for a large family. I get thoroughly pissed off with people who have four or 5 kids or more, or single women who repeatedly have babies with various men who have no intention of committing to them, then moan constantly about how hard it is, how expensive it is, how little help and support they get from others. What did they expect?

Avocado0nToast · 30/12/2018 08:11

PippiLotta snap! I tell people my second is my payback for always thinking people whose children didn't sleep were doing something wrong! Turns out you don't really have much say in it!

I don't struggle with the financial aspect as I felt I was quite aware of that. I do struggle with the chronic lack of sleep and feeling second class in my own life - I never get to put myself first, everyone else has to be sorted before me. Not a moan per se as that's what I signed up to but at times it really gets me down.

PrettyLovely1 · 30/12/2018 08:19

Thanks @ beansontoastfortea, I am hoping he will one day sleep all the way through its funny as for the first 5 months of his life he was an amazing sleeper then he went backwards to where we are today, he just cant manage to stay asleep for long, 4 is a long time! ShockHopefully it will be before then Grin
Even my 3rd slept through the night by 19months!

Perpetuallytiredzzz · 30/12/2018 08:21

Honestly kind of feels like talking to a toddler on this thread OP tbh- but why is it so hard - Lengthy, multiple explanations given- but why, why, why...!
In a nutshell to answer your most recent permeatation on why - they talk endlessly and only about their kids because that is currently the main focus of their lives it may be the case that their social lives have ground to a halt which means they don’t have lots of other things to talk about atm. Hopefully if their kids are healthy happy etc then this is a phase that won’t last forever.
There is no one answer to any of your why questions but plenty of answers generally if you bother to rtft?!

PrincessOfTheCheeze · 30/12/2018 08:22

Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Most people have a 1-3 year gap in between children. That gives you enough time to get over the heinous newborn period and think life is getting easier, and then when you're pregnant with number 2, you meet your 3-4 year old and realise what you've just done.

Also see the previous poster whose friend does ultra marathons. He keeps doing them, I don't think anyone would disagree they are hard though. Just because something is hard doesn't mean you don't love it or it isn't otherwise rewarding.

PrincessOfTheCheeze · 30/12/2018 08:27

Honestly kind of feels like talking to a toddler on this thread OP tbh- but why is it so hard - Lengthy, multiple explanations given- but why, why, why...!

Grin

Imagine telling a social worker they should just quit if the job is hard, of course it's hard but if they love their job they will keep doing it anyway

Mummadeeze · 30/12/2018 08:29

As the Mum of one lovely well behaved daughter, I have found it easy but it has been more expensive than being single obviously. Sometimes it feels like the moment I get paid, so much of it goes back out on childcare, school related stuff and extra curricular activities. I don’t begrudge that though, I am working to give her opportunities and I want to spend money on her. People with more children and less money however would find things a great deal harder. And I imagine some children are much harder to bring up. I definitely feel lucky and wouldn’t be unsympathetic to others with different experiences.

malificent7 · 30/12/2018 08:41

Piece of piss...really? What are the rest of us doing wtong...do tell?!

I suppose it depends what kind of person you are. Personally i loved being able to do whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and i can't now. On the other hand i do quite like being shackled to a home but the transition for me personally was tough.
Dome people love being covered in sick, milk and wee...others...not so much.
Dosn't mean we don't love our kids though...just means we find differentbthings enjoyable ( and are honest about this.)

KonaMum · 30/12/2018 08:48

My DS (4 months) is gorgeous and funny and smiley. However some nights he decides not to sleep, some days he grizzles and screams for no reason, I end up covered in puke most days and being constantly entertaining and having constant responsibility is exhausting.

I think in many ways is much easier than people make out but I can’t prentend I don’t find myself incredibly frustrated at times!

malificent7 · 30/12/2018 08:59

Lets not forget people...finding parenthood tough is NOT the same as not loving or wanting your child. It's ok ( and healthy ) to have a moan if you want!

For example...i used to love trekking ....i trekked in the himalayas. It was magical but tough . I did find not having a proper loo tough, the physical pain of blisters, the dehydration and sheer exhauation was tough and at times i felt like giving up.
I wouldn't change it and the sense of achievment was great.
Having kids is similar yet you cant often trek to the local shops without a drama, let alobe round the himalayas!

malificent7 · 30/12/2018 09:02

Alone...

ILovePierceBrosnan · 30/12/2018 09:11

Two of my favourite come uppances for knowitall non parents were

  1. a pregnant nanny telling me it would all be easy as she knew what she was doing...then seeing her when the tot was 2 yrs old and she was pregnant with no. 2 Wink
  2. a bloke telling me his child would not be a fussy eater because he’d make sure of it....His DS is one of the fussiest eaters I know and he’s tearing his hair out over it

Having children can be relentless. You don’t get to choose whether they are good sleepers or not. I had two 16 months apart, no husband at home (worked away), a non sleeper and worked full time.

Being just a nanny for 60 hrs then going home to shut the door on the world would be bliss. It’s also one job. Imagine doing that job and having your own children and paying £1000 a month to childcare. No one else funds the life...no paying employer to fund those children, just you.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 09:18

Dome people love being covered in sick, milk and wee...others...not so much.

Well I'm not sure about that.....

But I agree some people just take it in their stride much better than others.

puzzledlady · 30/12/2018 09:22

Very very hard. We have two. No help from family etc. Have a nanny, so very lucky in that respect but still - it’s difficult, more so when we didn’t have the nanny.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 09:22

I know a few people who are obsessive clean/neat control freaks and they would (and do) find parenting very hard because of the constant mess and chaos. Sensibly, some of them recognise this and have chosen not to have children. Others though, have had them, and while I can't say they are bad mothers exactly, I do feel sorry for their children because they can't really relax and just be kids. Their environments are so highly regimented it's ridiculous and the DC are in danger of becoming nervous wrecks, walking on eggshells because of a parent's need for total order and control all of the time.

planespotting · 30/12/2018 09:34

"I know a few people who are obsessive clean/neat control freaks and they would (and do) find parenting very hard because of the constant mess and chaos. Sensibly, some of them recognise this and have chosen not to have children. Others though, have had them, and while I can't say they are bad mothers exactly, I do feel sorry for their children because they can't really relax and just be kids. Their environments are so highly regimented it's ridiculous and the DC are in danger of becoming nervous wrecks, walking on eggshells because of a parent's need for total order and control all of the time.*
You sound lovely ConfusedConfused

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