To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

Most normal families don't have a nanny so your experience as a child caregiver is irrelevant when you judge parents for finding life difficult with children.

Even if you worked long hours the ultimate responsibility for that child's health and happiness lies with their parents not with the nanny. The difficulty of juggling finances when nursery costs are sky high and most people's incomes are reduced is made all the more difficult when you have to work, rush to and from nursery to collect or drop off kids then give that child attention whilst trying to sort out tea, bath the baby and deal with other stuff. No time to yourself even if you are ill. Some people do find it easy and others struggle. If you have had 7 days of moaning from your DPs family maybe it is because they are too tired to think of other conversation. Not sure why the kids sleep with the mother but that sounds a bone of contention.

Can I ask what your expectations of parenthood were prior to becoming pregnant?

Expectation: Put baby down for a nap and read for a couple of hours. Put baby in cot or high chair and listen to happy gurgling and playing while getting on with housework. Put baby to bed at 7pm and watch telly. Sleep through the night from perhaps 6 months onwards. Look like a yummy mummy pushing cute baby in buggy.

Reality: Spend hours trying to force baby to sleep, singing and rocking, being scratched and kicked and clawed and screamed at. Then be trapped under sleeping baby who won’t let you put him down. Live in a filthy house because the kid screams when you put him down so you can’t do chores. Then get yelled at by DH for the state of the place. Plants in the garden all die due to neglect. Have to constantly entertain and supervise boring non-sleeping baby. No tv, books or anything enjoyable allowed. Life is pointless because it contains no pleasure. Then have to go to bed with baby when he gets tired and starts crying, even if it’s ridiculously early. Go slowly insane due to lack of mental stimulation. Walk around like a zombie because of sleep deprivation. Give up even trying to look good because body is totally ruined.

I love my son but the constant supervision and unpredictable and what in a non disabled child would be considered violent behaviour is very hard and sometimes painful work. I don't often moan about and I think most people I know really don't get how it is.

shrugs everyone's experiences are different. Circumstances are different, so are support levels, expectations, natural aptitude, temperaments etc.

I've only got the one toddler at the moment, and I can count on one hand the number of days I've thought 'gosh this is hard'. It has fleeting moments of frustration, but I've found it highly rewarding and (dare I say it...) easy so far.

But that's once fairly easy going child. In different circumstances, or with a different child, I might feel differently.

I'm with you on the moaning though, and tbh I find it very difficult to relate to the moaners as I don't recognise their experiences easily.

Perfectly healthy to moan how tough bringing up kids is....vecause guess what...it is fucking hard work and anyone who says it isn't, is telling fibs.
Don't get me wrong; it's the best thing you will ever do but bloody hell...allow parents a moan now and again.
Besides if we sugar coated it all people would go into it blindly.

I suspect people don't like the moaning as it intimidates them and spoils their future dreams of parenthood.

Dd and i were having a giggle as at the age of 10, she invisages running through meadows with her lovely future kids. I laughed and said that's kind of what i imagined whilst pregnant ( and nuts) at 30....except it's nothing like that. Lucky to get off the couch with a newborn....let alone frolicking around meadows!

As you can tell dd is an absolute darling though!

I also think that people equate moaning with not loving parenthood or their kids...not the same.

And they ARE expensive .

Seems like the nanny's think they know everything

It's unreasonable you think parenting is never exhausting & drains the finances cos it can be and does. (but the finances thing shouldn't be surprising I guess) Doesn't mean we don't enjoy it too or the exhaustion is worth it! But it's also very unreasonable to non stop moan about it especially to relatives with no kids themselves!

Yes, yes it is.
It's relentless - no break to go to the loo or make a drink, just absolute constant attention.
I work full time, I love DC to absolute pieces but there's no way I could be a SAHM and it's flipping tiring having children

• very disturbed evenings
• sleep with you through the night
• early mornings
• needing to plan healthy meals all the time
• constant need to play/entertain

Those are some of the negatives, I'm very lucky but it can stil be hard.

it is fucking hard work and anyone who says it isn't, is telling fibs.

Why can't you accept that people's experiences of parenthood vary. I don't find it hard work at all, honestly life is much easier in some ways with a child, and whilst I may be in the minority, I'm certain I'm not alone in thinking this

I wouldn't dream of saying 'its a doddle, and anyone who says otherwise is lazy' because experiences vary. In both directions.

silkei you poor bugger

I sympathise. I’m here cooking my super noodle dinner because I’ve spent my evening trying to get a 3yr old to go to sleep without being held. Practically every night of her life has been this battle - nothing I haven’t tried... podcasts keep me sane. Earbuds in and a whole adult world is available to me.

OP, I swore I’d never say this to another woman, but you (and specifically you as an individual) can’t understand because you’re not a mother. Or an empath apparently.

Crack on, I hope for your sake the universe is kind to you when you do have children of your own.

Have you tried to offer her advice or practical help based on your experience in childcare by any chance?

I worked with a girl (I say girl because she was like a petulant teen who knew everything) who insisted on handing out advice even when she wasn't asked, e.g. she thought a toddler got too upset when she took his favourite teddy away incase it got lost and decided to offer super nanny style advice on how to wean him off it despite the fact that they weren't bothered.

A few people complained about her, she told me that my reflux baby who was only comfortable upright in the sling was being "fussy" because I pandered to her too much and in her 4 years vast experience of a wide range of babies this was a common trait.

She really did seem to think she was being helpful but all it did was get people's backs up and people felt the need to tell explain to her what the issue actually was so basically her nose was out of joint when she was told that she wasn't the baby guru!

YANBU, piece of piss. I don’t think it’s that hard to be responsible for a child’s social, emotional and educational welfare in addition to providing a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and providing total financial support.

I’ve nannied and I’d never be as arrogant to assume I have that much insight based on a few families I’d worked for.

@Silkei please don't feel the need to justify yourself on here.

Parenting can be very fucking hard and no one with an ounce of empathy could read your posts and deny that your experience sounds nothing short of traumatic.

I really hope you can find yourself a bit again in time but in the meantime, take care of yourself

I think it depends what baby you get some are easy some are exhausting, my first baby was pretty easy, my third baby screamed and screamed and barely slept I was up most of the night every night. Lack of sleep makes life really hard because u have so much to do but you cant think straight, I was so tired in the first 18 months of my 3rd sons life all I did was loose things and do weird things like putting the kettle in the fridge. I was so forgetful I completly lost myself because I was just so exhausted. I looked ill I felt ill.
That and coupled with an extremely distressed baby and two other kids to look after with no help is hardwork.
I dont think I moaned enough to be fair I think I cried on my own more than anything as I didnt want people thinking I couldnt "manage" or that I was failing at being a mother. I wish I had confided in people more. It can be really hard, I think its ok to have a moan every now and again I would never look down on anyone who told me how hard they find it everyones experience is different because every situation is different and babies are all different and I respect that fact.

I have 2 dc and work full time (50/50 travelling and working from home) stressful job as main income earner

I have different priorities now than I did before kids and yes the majority of my time revolves around them

No regrets and no moans about being tired, get in with it and enjoy it as they won't be kids forever.

Kids do sleep more than adults so once past the baby stage they sleep through

"Kids do sleep more than adults so once past the baby stage they sleep through"

Really?? can you tell that to my two year old then please as he doesnt nap at all in the day and still doesnt sleep through the night!

@PrettyLovely1 my son didn't sleep well til he was 4!

My house and life were down shit creek by then! Still haven't caught up with everything I didn't do in those 4 years

I hope your lo sleeps well soon!!

can I also ask where those expectations came from

I’ve seen on tv parents putting babies to bed then getting on with their lives downstairs. I’ve seen SIL and friends put their kids to bed. And I’ve seen dads put the kids to bed too, it doesn’t always have to be mum. I’ve seen women go back to work and cope with a job, so presumably they’re sleeping at night. I’ve seen movies where people have kids but still have lives. I’ve seen celebrities who have kids but are still living their lives. I see mums all the time who have the energy to put on makeup and are able to have nights out etc.

I guess I didn’t realise how heavily reliant all of these people are on paid help or family babysitters. I didn’t realise how relentless it would be if I didn’t have loads of family or loads of dosh. And I didn’t expect to have a bad kid who won’t sleep or entertain himself.

I would say it's not so much 'hard' as relentless. Like being on a treadmill. My DC are both lovely and relatively easy but very young, and still demanding in their own ways, all day every day.

Changing bums or playing games obviously aren't difficult tasks but it's the lifting in and out of car seats/off loo seats/changing tables/high chairs, then bending down, fetching and carrying, helping to dress, spoon feeding a reluctant baby and wiping up the mess. Remembering eight tonne of items for every trip out. A smattering of whining or tantrums in between. Over time it's very physically tiring, and it's not 9-5. It's the moment you wake (6ish) until 8pm or so, and sometimes during the night. There's never a lie in. It's the lack of freedom just to nip to the shop or for a bite to eat. It's tidying up the same mess each night after they're in bed.

I'm sure the extent to which each parent feels this depends on the amount of support they have, and the ages and temperaments of the children.

It's all balanced out by how much you love them, and it's definitely not like boot camp or anything! But I would say it's the 'constant-ness' which is impossible to comprehend until you actually have them. I can't bear listening to people who whine on though. Everyone has their own stresses, you just have to crack on!

Some people's negatives are others positives, but, still, living on not enough sleep for a very long time and not having time to eat or even crap when you need to. DC everywhere, can't even escape in the loo!

Soon as I gave in to it, adjusted, I suppose,life was easier,but those days of young babies and sleep deprivation, plus unsettled young babes that just won't settle during the day so can't even get a shower, do send you into oblivion sometimes. You do anything to get them asleep and keep them that way! While those stupid fuckers about you laugh that you are losing it.

I loved the feeding through the night, the quiet and peace and closeness, I loved the playing and entertaining, what I did t loved was being expected to be fucking supermum on top, and getting slated for the house being shit.

So, moral of the story if your babies are unsettled either have a decent real bloke at your side or do it alone, as that makes it a lot easier not dancing to some pricks tune and getting laughed at for it