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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

610 replies

zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 13:01

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

OP posts:
WeirdAl17 · 29/12/2018 22:13

You’re joking, right? There’s loads of posts explaining what makes parenting tough. You have no interest in trying to understand, none whatsoever.

pyramidbutterflyfish · 29/12/2018 22:13

But considerably harder after a few drinks 😉

blackteasplease · 29/12/2018 22:15

It's really hard. It's can be a bit like a job you really really love doing but is physically and mentally exhausting. So it's not as simple as don't do it if you don't find it easy. You want to do it, but like mountain climbers or round the world yachtsmen or whatever you might occasionally remark on how tiring it is!

HAnnAH129 · 29/12/2018 22:16

It's still the original five plus two from the new partner. I've been with the same family for over 2 years mainly because some one has to give a damn.
Not that that's anything to do with this or the statement.

PhilomenaNewYearButterfly · 29/12/2018 22:16

It's hard having kids with additional needs. I've got 2, luckily 1 has grown up, and I've got additional needs myself. It's no walk in the park. Xmas Grin

PhilomenaNewYearButterfly · 29/12/2018 22:18

zebra so people can't lose their job after they've already had 4?

YerAuntFanny · 29/12/2018 22:19

I'd say it's a pretty big deal that you are posting publicly that you're employers don't give a damn about their own children actually.

Duty of care would be to phone Social Services instead of bitching online.

HAnnAH129 · 29/12/2018 22:26

Oh goody more assumptions!! It's nothunh to do with you or this post? Why get on your high horse if people don't agree with you.
Everyone has a moan, the original person never said she knew more because she was a nanny just she knew some. No one knows everything even a parent. And parent or not no one wants to listen to some one else moan all the time about things they can do things about such as the sleeping issues mentioned. People can lose there jobs, struggle whatever that's called life but moaning constantly isn't going to help or make anyone want to offer assistance. Having a bitch is cathartic and healthy to a point but constantly is just annoying. That's the be all and end all. Parenting is bloody hard we all get that no one said it wasn't hard, but is it that hard we need to make sure every one in earshot knows about it. No. Go get a hobby if your kids being hard work is all you have to moan about.

yellowumbrellas · 29/12/2018 22:27

Here's a list of why I found it hard:

  • DC1s birth was very traumatic, I nearly died, was very ill for around 8 weeks after, the trauma caused depression
  • After 1 year not working (for maternity time) I was unable to get back my regular freelance gig in a very competitive industry, something I'd worked years to attain. Not only did I now have no money to raise my child but having a child killed my career.
  • After being an independent career woman with a busy life full of socialising and interesting work, looking after a DC constantly with no breaks (rubbish DH and no family nearby) just kind of broke me. It is boring and isolating looking after a baby / toddler / small child and was a total contrast to my previous life. I felt that I'd lost my whole life and identity, and I found that very very painful.
  • None of my friends had babies, I hadn't heard of NCT, so I had literally no idea what I was doing. I'd read lots of natural birth and natural child rearing books so was going for co-sleeping, slings etc. But my baby / toddler was super clingy and I did my own head in (understatement) wondering whether my child rearing methods had caused this and whether my DC would have to sleep beside me for the rest of my life. This caused me a lot of mental distress.
  • DC1 woke about every half an hour until he was about 4. This left me zero time to myself, no ability to even watch a TV programme. This broke me into very small, tired, depressed pieces.
  • DC2 slept for slightly longer, but woke about 3am every day and was awake for 2 hours crying over stomach pain. The only way I'd get him back to sleep was by rocking his heavy body as I walked the floors for 2 hours. Every night. He still did this when he was 2. This also broke me into very small, tired, depressed pieces.
  • DC2 had monumental, epic tantrums at pretty much the whole of life and I had zero clue about how to fix these, or how to lead any kind of normal life or get to the supermarket.

Thank f*ck they're now 11 and 15 and super easy and lovely. I'm a pretty level-headed down to earth person, I'd describe myself as resilient, but having (young) kids was the most painfully horrible and difficult thing I have ever done.

Silkei · 29/12/2018 22:28

What is so hard?

Lack of sleep. For months, possibly years on end. I’ve been sleep deprived to the point where I’ve hallucinated. I’ve been known to scream at someone over a minor issue them sink to my knees in the street and break down in tears. I’m constantly bad tempered and grumpy and mean. Everything is an effort. Every time you’re woken up during the night your heart sinks and you just want to yell and cry. You have no idea how sleep deprivation destroys you until you experience it might after night with no respite and no end in sight. It’s like being a zombie.

Relentlessness. No more hobbies. Or reading books. Or watching tv. Or having nights out or drinks with friends. EVER. No eating a meal in peace, or even using the toilet or getting washed in peace. Parenting is 24/7 without even a five minute break. It’s exhausting and soul destroying. Your life has no enjoyment. There’s no time for yourself and there is literally no point in you even being alive.

Sockwomble · 29/12/2018 22:30

"Go get a hobby if your kids being hard work is all you have to moan about."

Which shows you don't understand how hard it can be.

PerfectPeony · 29/12/2018 22:32

As someone mentioned earlier in the thread-

Mum guilt.

Until you have a child you won’t understand. The physical stuff is hard enough but this is what I struggle with the most.

yellowumbrellas · 29/12/2018 22:33

Parenting is 24/7 without even a five minute break. It’s exhausting and soul destroying. Your life has no enjoyment. There’s no time for yourself and there is literally no point in you even being alive.

^^ THIS pretty much sums it up.

HAnnAH129 · 29/12/2018 22:37

This site makes me die it really does. I have my own damn kids. It's not my fault you feel parenting is super hard where others don't. It's not OPs fault either.
It's hard we get it, it's a mostly thankless job that's dirty and nasty buy oh so rewarding at time it kinda feels worth it.
It is not that hard that the rest of the world or your extended family need to constantly hear about it. We don't broadcast every time we go overdrawn, have a healthy scare, stub our toe so why is it ok to bitch about something you chose to do insesintly? It's different if it's a conversation about said kids but really the only thing to talk about? Exaggeration or not here we all know it happens.

WingingWonder · 29/12/2018 22:38

It’s relentless because unless you’re of high wealth and with supportive family on tap, past the baby days you’re needed everywhere, always - ie the classic work life piece
As an examples I had to work up to end of day on Christmas Eve- FT, and therefore juggle who and how we would cover all the school Christmas stuff, and keep employed, also then in evenings trying to do Christmas life admin, meanwhile toddler refusing to sleep so no evenings - all sounds like ‘we’ll be more organised/ I’d do it differently’ and normally, it’s fine, but when it’s not it’s unforgiving
Oh and financially £1509 onchildcare each month, we can afford it but jeasus it’s alot of cash

PerfectPeony · 29/12/2018 22:40

Silkei I’m sorry you had to go through that.

There’s times I have felt that way, but luckily it never lasted more than a few hours. I don’t think people understand the impact of sleep deprivation at all, my midwife said to me at my 10 day check that there’s a reason why it’s a method of torture and she was right.

WingingWonder · 29/12/2018 22:40

And yy to being sleep deprived
Truly broken

MirriVan · 29/12/2018 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/12/2018 22:41

So... the point is that some people do find it all consuming and overwhelming. If they are constantly talking about it then there's something wrong - either it's a feature of their general make up or something that has happened since becoming a parent. It's not true of all parents.

If @zebra1304 is finding it hard work then she needs to make her excuses and leave.

Silkei · 29/12/2018 22:43

DC1s birth was very traumatic

I forgot to mention how it feels to be attractive and slim, then go through a nightmare of blood and pain, and watch yourself turn into a disgusting fat fuck covered in scars and stretched skin. I can’t wear my own clothes or even look at myself in the mirror any more. I don’t bother wearing makeup any more because frankly nothing is going to make this pile of shit look good so why bother trying.

I felt that I'd lost my whole life and identity

Not only are your looks taken away, but in many cases also your career and your self esteem, and everything else that made you, you. You’re now a mindless mum-zombie who does nothing but feed, play and clean up shit from a tiny person who does nothing but scream.

This is on top of the sleep deprivation and utter boredom and misery of parenting 24/7.

FuzzyShadowChatter · 29/12/2018 22:44

As I said, just because that is all they discuss around you doesn't mean that is all they ever do or talk about. They may not wish to discuss other topics with each other or around you. As can be seen here just in this thread, how hard kids are is a pretty easy topic to get fill time with and if you're stuck together with other people, an easy topic that fills time can work well even if you'd much rather discuss or be doing other things.

Silkei · 29/12/2018 22:45

Go get a hobby if your kids being hard work is all you have to moan about
With what money, and in what free time? I don’t even have time to take a shit in private let alone have a hobby.

Readysteadygoat · 29/12/2018 22:46

You hate moaners and yet...

SPR1107 · 29/12/2018 22:52

Couldn't agree more @Silkei! Sometimes when my son has gone to bed, my DH will come in and I'll just be sat on the sofa with no tv on in silence.. he thinks I'm nuts.. it's the only time in the day where there's no noise and nobody demanding attention!

mumsastudent · 29/12/2018 22:53

upside of years of sleep deprivation (!!!!) you land up as either/both an insomniac & being able/only needing 5 hours a night (decades later) :)
thanks kids (irony alert)