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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

610 replies

zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 13:01

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 29/12/2018 21:08

To be fair I’m starting to see what you mean...

DoYouLikeHueyLewisandTheNews · 29/12/2018 21:08

I kind of get where you're coming from, however for me having a child isn't one packaged up thing in my/our lives. It has tendrils that slither through other parts of what we knew pre children. Therefore you could probably attribute many woes to having children, when pre children you could consider it as work/relationship/money/health whinges.

Badadadum · 29/12/2018 21:14

My neighbour moans about her kids non stop = it's all she talks about - my thoughts are that she's depressed because her behaviour is not normal - her dh is fine though - is it possible they are depressed?

Soosiesoo · 29/12/2018 21:17

Well I find it bloody hard work. My DDs (6&2) are bright, funny, switched on and so strong willed, which is fabulous but makes for a challenging time. Add to that full time working, no family within 3 hours, an often selfish DH resulting in me doing the lions share. I haven't been alone in 2 1/2 months. I'm an introvert and I'm absolutely done in. Would not change them for the world, I absolutely adore them but it's harder than I ever imagined.

It's not even all of that though. The stuff I struggle with most is the self doubt and the anxiety over doing it all wrong. Feeling like every one else is parenting better than me. Threads like this are often the reason.

Come back when you've had your own kids, OP. When you have an actual clue what you're bloody talking about.

Lynne45 · 29/12/2018 21:22

Haven’t read all the comments yet but yes, it’s hard.
I’ve also been an early years worker, school support assistant and a nanny. They felt like a break from parenting, it’s not the same at all.

wolive · 29/12/2018 21:24

I was chatting to one of the staff members at my sons nursert the other day and was saying how tough it must be looking after so many kids and that I could never do it. She said it’s completely different to looking after your own children (she has kids) - because, to put it bluntly, you don’t care about the children at nursery in the same way. You are providing care for a fixed period of time and then forgetting all about them. Parenting is completely different.

Snowydaysaregreat · 29/12/2018 21:25

Expensive yes.
Hard.. Touch wood apart from when they're ill I've never found anything hard but that's not to say I won't in future and all kids r different anyway.

DameSquashalot · 29/12/2018 21:29

It depends on the child. DD is laid back and compliant, but she has her moments. For friends of ours her 'moments' are their entire life. I would find it exhausting if that was the case for us.

Szechan · 29/12/2018 21:29

Yeah it's annoying when people complain incessantly and obsessively OP rather like you have on this thread

WeirdAl17 · 29/12/2018 21:31

OP you’re being really ignorant and one day, once you’ve had kids of your own, I’m sure you’ll look back on this thread and cringe.

Looking after children is in no way the same as parenting. It goes beyond meeting their basic needs. It’s relentless. I know you say you didn’t work 9-5 as a nanny but I’m guessing you were able to switch off when not working?

I am a nurse. It can be hard, but I get to go home at the end of a long shift and relax. However I have also been a Carer for an unwell relative and it is completely different. I constantly worried if I was doing enough and felt so guilty if things took a turn for the worst. I didn’t get to switch off, I couldn’t. I felt a significant responsibility to that relative and was their main care giver.

The difference is having responsibility.

I get your point about the moaning, but asking if parenting is ‘that hard’ is naive. The hardest bit isn’t meeting a child’s basic needs.

BishopBrennansArse · 29/12/2018 21:33

No you don't have any idea at all.

Butteredghost · 29/12/2018 21:36

OP I agree with you, people go on about how it's so hard and horrible, then they go on and have 2-3 more. Why?

I find it easy (dc is easy, not cause I'm a good parent or anything). But especially when dc was a baby, when meeting other mothers who are all complaining sometimes I complain as well so I don't sound smug. I might have said "I'm shattered, baby woke up three times last night". Others would reply "only three times? You're lucky". I daren't tell them actually it was zero times!

Also I take shortcuts where possible such as not breastfeeding, having a cs, etc.

Original poster
zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 21:37

Nah I don't think I cringe . Their kids are great, very well behaved. They don't sleep their own bed cause the mother doesn't want them too. As a nanny I dealt with worst so I have to say I don't get what the moan is about . Suck it up that you are a parent, ergo life changes or don't have kids to complain about . The mum would post here on Mumsnet all the time - I see why. Realisticly thou her kids are good as gold, dad complains about having kids sleeping in their bad (because the mother wants them too) and the mother make it sound like life is so flipping hard and expensive. I have a brilliant life, but once o decide to have kids I won't blame them or use them as an excuse why my life is so 'hard'

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 29/12/2018 21:38

(Oh goodness, having a c section is not a "shortcut")

BakerBear · 29/12/2018 21:40

I find it more restricting than hard. Gone are the days of just running afew errands. Its messing about getting them in car seats then getting the pram out then pram back in etc

They are expensive childcare wise but after that children are as expensive or cheap as you want them to be. There are second hand clothing etc out there which is not as expensive as new.

It is expensive to take them places though.

AssassinatedBeauty · 29/12/2018 21:42

How do you know it isn't expensive? Or do you think that she shouldn't be mentioning it because she should have known it was expensive?

And you seem to have totally ignored all the many comments explaining what it is about having your own children that makes it different to childcare. Have you understood what people are saying about the total responsibility and fulltime commitment?

YerAuntFanny · 29/12/2018 21:43

Wow, just wow @Butteredghost. Major abdominal surgery is a "shortcut" now? Confused

@zebra1304 you're (supposedly) an adult. If you can't stand her either tell her or leave. Maybe she's trying to give you a hint...

inbetweenmass · 29/12/2018 21:43

I worked as a nanny and in schools for years. I clearly remember thinking I had some insight into what it's like to be a parent.

I didn't.

OP you're doing that thing teenagers do when they're convinced they're adults and refuse to accept actual adults have experience of the world they don't.

Having your own children is completely different to working with kids. And yes, it is that hard.

Some kids are harder work than others, some family set ups are harder to navigate than others. Some families are under other stresses that make life harder.

YABveryU, naive and judgemental. Your relatives are obviously finding family life tough. It's not at all unusual. Give them some slack, and empathy if you can.

Butteredghost · 29/12/2018 21:46

To me yes @YerAuntFanny, each to their own right Smile

MrsFL · 29/12/2018 21:46

Having my own kids (now 24 & 18) has been mainly easy & enjoyable, with occasional tough times... being a step mum for the last 4 years to a now 10 year old DSS has brought me to my knees!

Blondebombsite83 · 29/12/2018 21:46

I get what you're saying but you said it all wrong. People who moan constantly about anything are irritating, especially if it's their own life choices. However, as a teacher I can safely say you have no idea about parenting. As a mother I can say it can be hard. My 2 yr old is a gorgeous dream who has always slept well and yet there have been a few times when I've wanted to run in the opposite direction. On those days I tell my friends (and only 1 or 2) and no one else. I dont go on about it.
I don't think they're that expensive though. There's initial out lay but after that it's a minimal additional cost on top of keeping yourself alive. People on low income have as much "right" to family although I agree that you stop at what your finances allow and you don't discuss finances with people outside of close friends.

Silkei · 29/12/2018 21:46

I didn’t realise how expensive a child would be. I had no idea how much childcare cost and how little government help was available. I guess before I had a child I had no need to research it, and by the time I found out it was too late.

Ditto with exhaustion. I knew it would be tiring but I had no idea how relentless it would be. I thought I’d be able to put the baby down at nap time and he’d just go to sleep and I could get on with stuff. I thought I’d put him upstairs in his cot at 7pm and sit downstairs with DH watching telly. I thought by 6 months he’d sleep through. I had no idea he would only sleep on my lap so I couldn’t do anything, would take an hour or two to go to sleep at night, would wake up repeatedly even at almost 1 year old, would want me and only me so I was constantly on duty, would ruin my evenings because I’d have to go to bed early with him. Again, by the time I found out my life would be destroyed it was too late.

I do agree with what OP said about second children though. After realising how awful the first one was, I’d have to be insane to have another. I suppose some people must have an easy first child and that’s why they have a second?

inbetweenmass · 29/12/2018 21:47

once o decide to have kids I won't blame them or use them as an excuse why my life is so 'hard'

Once you have kids you'll cringe at the memory of this thread and realise you own your relatives an apology for judging them.

You won't have long to wait to find the reality biting - labour brought it home to me pretty quickly how much people sugar coat parenthood.

Original poster
zebra1304 · 29/12/2018 21:48

I don't know if it's ' not expensive '. I haven't got kids . As long as I am aware I earned 40 k plus as a nanny don't know what else they spent on tuition etc but I think people being able to afford to have a nanny give no shit about money

OP posts:
Ohdobakeoffdear · 29/12/2018 21:50

I moan sometimes. I just say it as it is. DS is funny, very clever and caring. I love him more than anything or anyone, he’s my pride and joy. But he is also very stubborn and strong willed, so there are days when I feel completely done in. Arguing with a 6 year old is silly and exhausting. I don’t feel “hashtag blessed” and I’m not “hashtag making memories” all day all the time.
And yes, I do find having a child expensive. Tbh, I prefer people who moan occasionally to the blessed and making memories brigade. Parenting can be very hard work I think, it can be relentless and exhausting. Thankfully, it also happens to be the best thing ever.