To ask if it is really THAT hard to have kids?

[zebra1304]

Spending Christmas with my partner's family. We don't have kids but I worked years in child care. Not saying it is the same but I do have some idea of things. Day 7 here... and all I can hear is how bloody difficult/expensive/tiring etc etc to have kids. Is it really that hard? If so why people keep having them ? I mean why don't they stop after 1 or 2.

I don't really think having. A child has to be expensive unless you make it expensive

It’s the loss of salary/ cost of childcare that's expensive.

I earn £50k a year, but after 2x nursery fees (south east prices, so v, expensive) and the cost of commuting every week, I just about break even.

So suddenly our household has gone from having, say £1000 disposable income a month, to absolutely none. No money for luxuries or holidays. Every penny I earn is spent on childcare or getting to work. Every penny DH earns is spent on mortgage, bills and getting himself to work.

We’ve only got another year to go until our childcare costs go down and we can have a bit of breathing room again, but fuck me we feel the squeeze. And we’re good earners by most people’s standards.

I think it’s much harder still when you have no family to step in for childcare or other general support.

@SushiMonster I promise you that none of my friends told me apart from 1! When I was pregnant! She was ok, let me tell you the truth... and I had no clue because I wasn't on forums and I am the youngest sibling and the TV paints a great picture and all my colleagues were childless.

@NikiFree We can't understand how hard their lives are though which is why I said this happens when life is too comfortable.
*
Most people on the planet have children. In the first world such heavy weather is made of it.*
I have lived and worked with children in developing countries. Yes, so much of what you are saying is true, but also different. In the indigenous communities where I was, the whole village is a big family. There is no anxiety about childcare or what to do if you have to go to work and someone is ill, they all cosleep in a big family bed, there are no houses or traffic where to get lost. Yes, maybe hungry animals (lighthearted). There is mama, and nana, and nina, and tita, and papa and lula... and everyone is hands on.

So yes, I know that it could be so much harder, but our modern society, even if you have financial means, is not comparable to these communities I experienced.

Nope it’s not “that hard”.

It’s harder.

@HolyMountain don't!!!!!!
*I found the early years a piece of piss , my children were placid , biddable and slept well.

It was the teen years and 16+ that it became extremely fucking hard work.*

Well mine doesn't sleep but don't tell me this 😫😫😫😫😫

Okay,loads of messages. Just to clarify I don't think working as a nanny makes me know what parenthood is like. But I did have a look into different family lifestyles. I had the easy going family and the ones that made a flipping fuss about anything.
I just don't understand how having kids takes over your life so much you have nothing else to talk and complain about ! It's so tiring to listen to! Like what thI actual fuck? It's kids, it's hard it's going to be up and down but I grew up Ina family where my parents put stickers on me such as 'difficult ' ' can't sleep well' etc etc I still remember. And my 'lovely ' ski does this now and I am asking what the ACTUAL FUCK?!?!! can't cope can't keep having them ?!?!!

Yes it is hard, the hardest thing I have ever done. But still the best thing, the most rewarding thing I've ever done as well. I do t regret it.

Being a nanny is completely different to having your own so I don't think you have any idea, really.

When they were small caring for them consumed me utterly and when something is your life you do tend to talk about it a lot even if you're not particularly conscious of it.

That fades, though. My lot are all either secondary school aged or about to be and I have a lot more in my life to talk about nowadays.

Because for the people you're referring to, it is obviously overwhelming and totally all-consuming. Probably because of the total and permanent responsibility for their children, perhaps feeling out of their depth, worried they're not doing a good enough job, anxiety about the future, possibly regret but knowing they can't turn back the clock. And so on.

You seem angry at your own parents, which might be affecting your perception of what's going on.

Any chance you can make your excuses and leave?

As I said in my last post I am not compering nannying to parenthood. But I have SOME idea of how things are. People telling me what I know or don't know shouldn't judge (but heyhoo everyone does)
My initial question is how and why (apart from if your kid has special needs) it is so fucking hard to have kids you can not stop talking about it ?!?

Sorry, you’re a nanny and you don’t get how kids take over people’s lives? Thank God for my nanny who gets it and often says she doesn’t know how I manage life on so little sleep, with them all giving me such a hard time (she knows they reserve their frustrations for me and sees it) and with so little ability to take an hour for myself ever. I’m either working or juggling kids. Every day. They are all very young though so I do think I’ll get more brain space back in a few years.

And people talk incessantly about their kids because they are the biggest and most significant thing any of us have experienced or ever will experience. Do you not see that?

Have you not read any of the posts where people have explained?

I don't find it that difficult. Not to the extent so many seem to have. I mean I did when they were really little, I hated the baby stage, toddler was better but still exasperating. It's the incessant needs and never getting a break. But mine are primary school age now and it's a breeze, I'm a working mum though. My 2 are very laid back and I guess we are too. I'm told the teenage years will be difficult, but I will take it as it comes and it'll be what it is. Everyone has a very different experience of parenting depending on their own and their children's personalities...you must realise that!!

I had three under three, it was easy.

OP your a grump bean! And have issues that none up can't help with. You simple talk about what is important in your life. My mate loves gay clubbing it's all he talks about all the time, but I don't shout at him. If I've had enough I chat to him another time.

KennDodd, ba ha ha. You must be the dad.

I would have thought the answer is obvious! It depends entirely on the type of parents you are and the type of children you have.

You sound very angry, almost irrationally so, sounds like it might be time for you to distance yourself from these people and maybe get some counselling for your issues.

I have days where everything is fine and the kids don't come up in conversation then other days where I'm completely overwhelmed and if someone is there it's like flood gates have opened!

My Mum recently told me that she thought I was being over-dramatic about our family life and my DS in particular until she spent hours a day with us for a week on holiday and in that short space of time she felt as overwhelmed as I did.

You don't know the situation and what it's really like.

If I could predict the future I wouldn't have had kids but plans don't always work out the way you want.

I spent the first 5 years wanting to commit harakiri. Literally. My hair turned grey. I developed severe stress welts and hives. My life would be emtpy without them, but equally, I am slowly going insane. The juxtaposition is irrational and insane. Your life is never, ever, the same. Ever.

That's absolutely fine if this is the most important thing in their lives I am more than happy to listen about it but they talk about it like a task! They are complaining. I mean I feel like I should have got condoms for them for Christmas! It's not like they had to have kids. I am so happy to talk about anything but complain without breathing. Huhhh ...

Fuck me you’re aggressive.

How about taking charge of the conversation yourself and directing it in a more mutually entertaining direction if you’re bored?

Kids, especially young ones, do seem to infiltrate every corner of your life hence the tendency for people to bore on about them. Conversely people are often pretty enthusiastic to talk about something else if people spark their interest and remind them of life outside their house.

Could it be you’re a bore about something else and the poor bastards stuck with you can’t bare to listen to you droning on about your life?

They are either having issues with being parents or they are just like that as people. As many people have said, feelings about parenthood can be contradictory and complex.

Op - you don't like these people or you don't like who they have become - just learn from the experience and do not spend so much time with them, some people make everything seem hard, some people hard things harder than most - how the hell can we judge and what difference would it make? Make a decision that you can make as a childless person and remove yourself from the children/famliy! Or offer to help them - whining on here is a bit pointless.

planestopping

Sorry Kid, older teens and young adults are a whole different kettle of fish .....

No no chance of talking about anything else. You think convo is drifting away from it and they go straight back . When I posted this thread I felt sorry for myself ... now I feel sorry for them ....