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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw away engagement because of bad sex life?

126 replies

Zoeychace · 29/12/2018 01:21

I’ve been with my partner for three years and he proposed a few weeks ago. He’s the kindest man and supports me in every way.
However, our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. He was a virgin when he met me and suffers from erectile dysfunction. (He can’t sustain an erection long enough to have intercourse).
As he’s only 33 I’m quite concerned. At first it was a very touchy subject but he’s finally agreed to see a doctor / therapist (he hasn’t made the appointment yet and things haven’t improved yet). It doesn’t help that we’re currently doing long distance (have been for the past year) and only see each other every three months.

I can’t imagine spending the next 50 years dealing with mediocre sex. I should also note that DP has a lower libido.

Is it possible to improve the situation? DP doesn’t want to take drugs - he can get an erection during all other acts except intercourse so I really think it’s an emotional issue not physical.

It’s really putting me off wedding planning which I thought I’d be more excited for

OP posts:

TheStoic · 29/12/2018 01:29

Your future self will thank you if you walk away now.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2018 01:30

You are already having serious doubts and your relationship is lacking. If a healthy sex life is important to you, and I hope it is, this marriage will never, ever work. The frustration and resentment will only continue to grow until you are completely miserable.

KC225 · 29/12/2018 01:36

So in three years you have never had sexual intercouse? And although you say he has 'finally' agreed to seek professional help, he has yet to make an appointment. Massive red flag OP. Especially, as he has made the time and effort propose.

I suggest you postpone the engagement until he does speak to a specialist and I would insist on going with him at some point. He doesn't seem keen to change things if he is stating he doesnt want to take drugs - he doesn't even know what is available. This would be an issue for me. If you marry this man without this issue being addressed now, he will not do it. He will say - you knew this when you married me.

KC225 · 29/12/2018 01:37

And what Aquamarine said with bells on

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 29/12/2018 01:39

Either you need to commit to a sexless relationship or you need to let him go. If you miss sex you will always miss it. He doesn’t know any different. You need to be the one to walk away

Original poster

Zoeychace · 29/12/2018 01:48

Yes, we’ve never had intercourse to completion in three years.
This needs to be addressed before the engagement goes forward.

Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

WhatOnEarthDoIDoNow · 29/12/2018 01:50

Maybe ask him to see the GP first and prolong the engagement if you want to be with him to see if it can be resolved first, then walk away if it can't be?

itwaseverthus · 29/12/2018 01:51

Value yourself.

Sashkin · 29/12/2018 01:52

If you have never had sex and only see him once every three months you don’t really have a relationship. I’m not saying that you don’t love each other, but you haven’t spent enough time together to know how you get along in everyday life. I wouldn’t marry somebody I had spend such little time with regardless of the sex life, but that is the shitty cherry on the cake. Of course he wants to marry you, he is completely inexperienced. Doesn’t mean you are right for each other.

When are you planning on ending the long-distance aspect? Is there any plan to move back together? I would see how that goes first (and if there is no actual plan, this engagement is just fanciful nonsense on his part).

Original poster

Zoeychace · 29/12/2018 01:54

We have only been long distance for the past year - the first two years of the relationship we lived in the same city.
I’m planning to move back to our hometown when we get married.

OP posts:

fizzthecat1 · 29/12/2018 01:57

If he doesn't want to take drugs are there any natural alternatives that could help? He could look into that maybe?

Sashkin · 29/12/2018 01:59

Then move back now (ie in the next six months), move in together and see if you can imagine spending the next forty years like that. The answer should be “yes”, not “meh”.

Sashkin · 29/12/2018 02:01

(It sounds like you are “meh” at the moment)

Whatififall · 29/12/2018 02:09

Do you want to have children? How would that work if he never addresses his problem?

Only you know if you can live in a sexless marriage. But given you’re asking for advice on here I think you already know your answer....

LuluJakey1 · 29/12/2018 02:10

Well there's something going on in his head that he isn't telling you (or doesn't understand himself) if he can get hard and come in any other way than through intercourse. It is literally a sign that he is holding back from ultimate intimacy for some reason.
I couldn't proceed with a wedding in those circumstances. It won't just suddenly become ok. The fact that he has low libido, has never had a sexual relationship before with anyone and has shown no inclination to go and seek help for his problem in the three years he has been trying with you says he doesn't want to sort it out.
Only you know what you are prepared to accept in a marriage.

rosewater09 · 29/12/2018 02:13

If you don't have matched sexual drives, the relationship won't be a happy one. The fact that he hasn't even attempted to seek medical help before this is a massive red flag because it tells me that he doesn't value your sexual needs and therefore he doesn't value you.

Jack65 · 29/12/2018 02:16

Don't. It will eventually be a deal breaker and if he hasnt bothered to see anyone yet, he isnt focussed on the problem. You will regret it and it will destroy your relationship.

SierraSmythe · 29/12/2018 02:19

The fact that you've been together for 3 years and he has never before thought to seek professional help for this problem is a huge red flag. I actually think it's extremely selfish as he must know he isn't satisfying you and giving you a "normal" sex life but he doesn't care enough about your pleasure to try and sort it out.

I'd put the engagement on standby until he gets some help. If he puts it off/refuses treatment, that says all you need to know about how important your satisfaction is to him. He may be better suited to someone who isn't fussed about sex.

StillMedusa · 29/12/2018 02:24

Walk away. If at 33 he has never had penetrative sex and can't keep it up, then there are serious issues.
I'm not sex mad in the least but sex is important in a marriage it helps keep us bonded together over the years(even if you don't want children) and without a sex life you are just house mates.

posthistoricmonsters · 29/12/2018 02:26

I know from past experience that being with someone with this sort of problem, and/or having a totally different drive to each other can be a real recipe for disaster.

He doesn't even know what the issue is yet, yet he is already deciding what not to try. It doesn't sound like he's super committed to fixing whatever is wrong.

selepele · 29/12/2018 02:29

I was with someone who has a very small penis his sex was good but some positions I couldn’t feel anything and 8 months in I wanted to cheat even though I’m not a cheater lucky for me he cheated so I could end it

Op this is not the life for you if it was the other way round the guy would of left you by now

Coyoacan · 29/12/2018 02:33

It's a shame, OP, but good sex is an important part of a marriage, especially the first few years.

pineapplebryanbrown · 29/12/2018 02:50

I always remember a phrase. If sex is not an issue it's only 10% of a relationship. If sex is a issue, it's 90% of the relationship.

kateandme · 29/12/2018 04:01

if hes this good to you and you love him with all of your heart.then lay it down for him.dont leave without giving yourselves the opportunity to sort it.but this mean a franc convo is had.

ForalltheSaints · 29/12/2018 07:47

It sounds a deal breaker for you and ending the relationship now will bring less heartache than later on.

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