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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw away engagement because of bad sex life?

126 replies

Zoeychace · 29/12/2018 01:21

I’ve been with my partner for three years and he proposed a few weeks ago. He’s the kindest man and supports me in every way.
However, our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. He was a virgin when he met me and suffers from erectile dysfunction. (He can’t sustain an erection long enough to have intercourse).
As he’s only 33 I’m quite concerned. At first it was a very touchy subject but he’s finally agreed to see a doctor / therapist (he hasn’t made the appointment yet and things haven’t improved yet). It doesn’t help that we’re currently doing long distance (have been for the past year) and only see each other every three months.

I can’t imagine spending the next 50 years dealing with mediocre sex. I should also note that DP has a lower libido.

Is it possible to improve the situation? DP doesn’t want to take drugs - he can get an erection during all other acts except intercourse so I really think it’s an emotional issue not physical.

It’s really putting me off wedding planning which I thought I’d be more excited for

OP posts:

Noodella18 · 30/12/2018 00:20

*My point was that the typical complaint that men have is a lack of sex drive in their DPs. Women really can't do much about that as there is no magic pill so if a man was complaining about it people may defend the woman because she can't fix it. He would have to accept it or leave.

This situation is not the same because we are biologically different. There IS a possible treatment that OP's DP could try but is refusing (medication)*

You suggested previously that people have less sympathy for the male because of the above. The medication is not a ‘fix’ for the male, it just forces an erection where there are clearly emotional issues at play. I think the lack of compassion on this thread is quite sickening actually.

If it were the other round I think people would be more sympathetic and more likely offer suggestions of methods to try and ideas for working with the woman to overcome it rather than writing her off as ‘damaged goods’. Yes, the partner does need to take steps to fix this, but most of the posts have been about ultimatums and calling it quits without any discussion rather than talking it through, trying to understand what’s driving it and seeking to make changes as a couple. If this fails, fine, walk away, but giving up on somebody you love without at least giving communication a shot is brutal.

Noodella18 · 30/12/2018 00:21

(Sorry for the bold fail, stupid phone)

MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2018 00:23

It makes me feel very sad that sometimes people can't love someone enough and the rest of the relationship can't be strong and meaningful enough to walk away because of only one aspect of a relationship. Yes of course it is important to some people, but is the rest of the relationship and your love for the person so weak that no sex should be a deal breaker? I would loose my faith in love altogether if I ended up on my own for the above reasons as someone couldn't love me enough to stay if they couldn't have sex with me.

Because in many cases it's not just the lack of sex. It's that it can often (from the many threads I've seen on here) lead to a lack of any physical connection, no kisses, hugs, touching of any kind (including non-sexual). Humans thrive on the physical side of a relationship, not just being in the same house together.

And the lack of sex can lead to feelings of rejection, diminishes self-esteem, etc in the person who wants the sex. So yes, for some it's a big part of their life, and is certainly a major dealbreaker for many.

MorningsEleven · 30/12/2018 00:34

The poor guy obviously has some deep seated issues. He needs to step up and address them for both of you. Otherwise you should find someone who values you enough to work on issues. Don't sell yourself short.

FWIW my 80 year old MIL spent Christmas telling us how wonderful it is that FIL is on the blue pills. I'm delighted for them but could do without the mental image 🤣

MulticolourMophead · 30/12/2018 00:36

Noodella18 OP has already tried to talk to him, and he is not giving any signs of being fussed about it.

Whatever the issue (and I'm going with a porn habit, coupled with some psychological issues from his past), it's going to take a long time to fix, given that he is in his 30s already and has therefore been avoiding this issue for a long time.

Perhaps one more talk, but I wouldn't let this drag out endlessly, and certainly wouldn't marry him before the issue is resolved.

KC225 · 30/12/2018 00:39

I so agree with the above. I am currently going through a 'bad (our worst ever) patch' with my DH. We had a series of major rows and have not had sex since March. I have tried to discuss it with him and he refuses. Right now I cannot see how we can get over it. I believe he is punishing me by withdrawing completel, emotionally and physically. Its not the lack of sex, its total rejection. There is physical contact at all. The other day he bumped into me by mistake and there was a look if horror on his face. I was crushed. He couldn't even bring himself to write 'love from' on a Christmas gift. To me its a choice, his choice and everyday it is chipping away at my self esteem.

Someone very wise up thread said if sex isn't a problem its 10% of your relationship, if it is a problem then it's 90%. Its so true, right now I would choose to be alone and risk loneliness and endure the constant hurt of rejection.

Wordthe · 30/12/2018 00:44

This is madness
he is just relying on you being polite

MorningsEleven · 30/12/2018 00:45

KC225

I'm sure you'll agree it's not just about the sex, it's about the intimacy. That's what makes the relationship between spouses different from any other.

JudasPrudy · 30/12/2018 00:47

'It makes me feel very sad that sometimes people can't love someone enough and the rest of the relationship can't be strong and meaningful enough to walk away because of only one aspect of a relationship. Yes of course it is important to some people, but is the rest of the relationship and your love for the person so weak that no sex should be a deal breaker? I would loose my faith in love altogether if I ended up on my own for the above reasons as someone couldn't love me enough to stay if they couldn't have sex with me.'

Yeah but how great is love if you spend every night lying in bed beside them fantasising about being fucked by someone else because your partner can't bring themselves to touch you?

Scott72 · 30/12/2018 00:47

Its not just that he has these performance problems and probably low libido, its that he hasn't really done anything about it. These are all very bad signs. Break up with him, gently as you can, but do it promptly.

KC225 · 30/12/2018 00:53

Thank you MorningsElven Yes, you are so right. It is most definitely the lack of intimacy.

SandyY2K · 30/12/2018 02:20

No sex in 3 years.

He was a virgin at 30.

Its obvious why he was a virgin. In this day and she a 30 yo virgin is almost as rare as hen's teeth.

You'll be sexually frustrated with him.

I read something similar...but the guy agreed his gf..who became his wife could have sex with others as he was unable to get hard enough to penetrate her.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 30/12/2018 03:39

Can I ask when you have had sex do you use condoms or are you on the pill?

When I first got with my husband I was on the pill and sex was awesome. I then had negative reactions to them so we switched to using condoms. Slowly our sex life dwindled. I was unhappy about it but understanding and sometimes it worked but more often it did not. We have recently started ttc so stopped using condoms. And wow our sex life is awesome again!

So if you do use condoms they may be desensitizing him so he's not able to perform properly. If so maybe it's an easier fix than all these morbid people are thinking that are saying dump him.

PietariKontio · 30/12/2018 04:33

ED shouldn't mean a lack of sex though should it? It should just mean a lack of penetrative sex. There's obviously a load of other stuff to do

Whether that would be enough for OP is obviously a different matter, and no one can answe that but her.

There's some amazing logical leaps on here about why he has ED eg too much porn (might be, but no one knows), to some ridiculous judging of his morality based on his health problem. It's not a surprise he was a virgin until 30; phrases like 'damaged goods' is hardly understanding or compassionate, and his awareness of his own failings and feelings of inadequacy probably mean he was only going to try tohave a normal sex life with someone he loved and trusted.

Yes he should do more to try and sort it, but it will take ages, and it may well never 'work', and the OP is well within their rights to not want to be in a LT relationship that may not have a fulfilling sex life.

All I'd say is that me and my DP have both had health conditions that have negatively and significantly impacted on our sexy life during our time together, if either of us had prioritised it over the other aspects of our relationship we'd both be worse off today.

PietariKontio · 30/12/2018 04:35

Sexy life , obvs meant sex life...

SunnyCoco · 30/12/2018 06:23

@onlylittlemissorganised they have never had sex

PARunnerGirl · 30/12/2018 06:53

I know you are looking for the positive outcome stories and if you see one, I don’t blame you for hanging everything on it. But they will be few and far in between the stories that you perceive as having negative outcomes.

I was you 15 years ago. Brushed it under carpet and went ahead with the wedding. Tried everything for a decade and nothing worked. Counselling, discussions, medical appointments. Sex just wasn’t a priority for him; I think it was just as simple as that. After ten years, I felt at the lowest I have ever been. It affected almost every part of me and my life.

When I met my current partner, I realised how wonderful a close, intimate and trusting sexual partnership can be. It’s cheesy, but the way he makes me feel when we are together like that.. I honestly feel like some sort of queen or goddess to him! You deserve that.

Please don’t marry him now. If you need to go through the decade of trying everything then do it BEFORE you marry. Marriage is stressful and expensive (in many ways) to get out of.

Belenus · 30/12/2018 07:13

ED shouldn't mean a lack of sex though should it? It should just mean a lack of penetrative sex. There's obviously a load of other stuff to do

There is in theory, yes. Penetrative sex is just one part of this so those saying the OP and her bf haven't had sex are being rather glib. However, in my experience ED causes further problems. My experience is limited so it may just have been this particular case but despite my reassurances that I was very happy to do other things my (now) ex bf became absolutely focussed on the one thing he couldn't do. And because he couldn't manage it he then went off any form of sex entirely.

I wouldn't speculate about porn use or homosexuality. If anything this man may just be asexual. He may want romantic relationships but not sexual relationships. This does happen, there's no reason to suppose 30 year old virgins are continually wanking away to porn. But whatever it is, if I were the OP I'd have one last chance to find out if it can change or if it's just who he is. And if it's just who he is, I personally would not want to marry him, lovely though he may be in other ways.

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 07:18

I'd put the wedding off until you KNOW that this can be sorted

I'd tell him that that's what you're doing

If it can't be sorted then you are unlikely to be able to have children and you'll always have a non existent sex life

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 30/12/2018 07:20

The issue isn’t (yet) about this size.

It’s about his inability to deal actively with the problem, which would also show consideration to his fiancée’s needs and feelings. Who knows how much help mental therapy, seeing a specialist doctor about impotence etc would help. There’s a lot modern medicine can do and it’s not as rare a problem as you might think.

If he had dealt actively and it wasn’t enough for OP, then that would be different.

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 07:20

@KC225

Why do you stay with him?

OliviaStabler · 30/12/2018 07:39

So you told him it was an issue 6 months ago yet he hasn't done one thing to try and address the issue like make a GP appointment, or book some counselling etc in all that time?

Sorry but this relationship is not going to work. He clearly has deep seated issues that he is not even willing to try and look into.

Thespace · 30/12/2018 07:48

If he is asexual/not interested/has low libido I can see how he would not have the motivation to change anything. When you say he expressed surprise that having sex was important to you it shows that he is probably quite content as he is.

Thespace · 30/12/2018 07:49

Why would he want to take drugs if he doesn’t actually want sex?

Sausages18 · 30/12/2018 08:15

Haven’t read the full thread, but if your partner is willing to do some work on this, check out Dr Karen Gurney / The Sex Doctor on Instagram. She has courses for couples around different issues in their sex life and is very pragmatic and helpful when changes need to be made.

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