Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To throw away engagement because of bad sex life?

126 replies

Zoeychace · 29/12/2018 01:21

I’ve been with my partner for three years and he proposed a few weeks ago. He’s the kindest man and supports me in every way.
However, our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. He was a virgin when he met me and suffers from erectile dysfunction. (He can’t sustain an erection long enough to have intercourse).
As he’s only 33 I’m quite concerned. At first it was a very touchy subject but he’s finally agreed to see a doctor / therapist (he hasn’t made the appointment yet and things haven’t improved yet). It doesn’t help that we’re currently doing long distance (have been for the past year) and only see each other every three months.

I can’t imagine spending the next 50 years dealing with mediocre sex. I should also note that DP has a lower libido.

Is it possible to improve the situation? DP doesn’t want to take drugs - he can get an erection during all other acts except intercourse so I really think it’s an emotional issue not physical.

It’s really putting me off wedding planning which I thought I’d be more excited for

OP posts:
thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 11:00

Walk away.

FriteFuaite · 29/12/2018 11:03

Walk away. Seriously. It won't get any better.

Sorry SadFlowers

Nofapper · 29/12/2018 11:03

NC for obvious reasons. Similar age.

I was him at the start of my current relationship. Loved my partner dearly, but couldn’t maintain it. Had previously had ‘sex’ once and same thing occurred.

It took me about 7 weeks into relationship to finally cum PIV. I did this by doing the Nofap technique (google it) - basically I didn’t masturbate and we didn’t have sex at all for about 3 weeks. (Most people recommend three months but I have a very high drive and had a feeling I could reset quicker)

After that there was still psychological issues for my parent who had felt rejected but I’m absolutely fine.

do not underestimate how damaged your trust in him is even if he does resolve it. I’ve been ok for 18 months and my partner is still on edge with sex thinking I’ll lose it. It’s not made things very healthy.

My sympathies but really, I would say that you have a very hard road ahead if he hasn’t solved it in three years.

Nofapper · 29/12/2018 11:05

*partner not parent!

Noodella18 · 29/12/2018 11:37

@sierrasmythe Viagra doesn’t increase men’s sex drive! It just makes them hard. The equivalent in women would be using lube to simulate natural lubrication if they’re not turned on enough to produce it themselves. I think that’s a bit of a grim way of looking at it - that as long as you’re prepped physically, it doesn’t matter what’s going on emotionally. Again, it definitely would not be expected of a woman.

Thewifipasswordis · 29/12/2018 11:39

Leave. It wont ever get better. Speaking from experience.

PickledChutney · 29/12/2018 12:06

Without sexual intercourse you're basically just friends imo. Do not marry him!!! Imagine spending the rest of your life with no sex!! Run OP, run fast!!

TotesEmoshTerri · 29/12/2018 12:07

you're basically just friends imo.

I wouldn't cohabit, raise kids or spend every single night of my life with a "friend". This is a weird cliche that needs to die a death, that partners who don't have sex are just "friends"

Darkstar4855 · 29/12/2018 12:16

Work on the basis that things are not going to change/improve. Would you still want to marry him? If the answer is no then walk away.

If he hasn’t done anything to try and fix this in three years then the chances are that he’s not going to do anything in the future.

Thespace · 29/12/2018 12:17

Well they’re not likely to have children as they don’t have sex.

Kickassbitch · 29/12/2018 12:23

there is a huge difference between being friends and being in a relationship with no sex. Just because sex is an issue in a relationship does not revert you to being mates, there is much more to a marriage, long term partnership etc than sex and friendship, its much more complex than that.

So I do think that if the issues arise later in the relationship the relationship can still work well, early on however you probably haven't had the time to build enough depth and love in the relationship for it to work.
Now my husband reassures me that he loves me enough to work through my lack of sex drive, we have 13 yrs of marriage, two kids and a whole host of other stuff that has happened, if this had happened early on i.e had I always had no sex drive I would probably have just stayed single unless I found someone who also could live with out it.

NameChangeNugget · 29/12/2018 12:27

Kick him in to touch now.

Sex, is the only differentiator between you being house mates and a couple. You’ll be miserable

GladAllOver · 29/12/2018 12:38

I'm very sorry for you OP.
You need to find someone who can share with you the wonderful union of fulfilled sex. This man never will.

HighlandSh0rtbread2 · 29/12/2018 12:47

No improvement has occurred in 3 years, so I would assume that this would remain the status quo for the future. Have you discussed how you would have children and would he be interested in investigating all the options eg his children, sperm donor, adoption, all of which would need outside assistance I believe. If you are happy to proceed knowing and agreeing on things, then go ahead and marry. If you have any doubts, then don't. At this stage, you have time to make a decision. In a few years, time will not be on your side

SweetheartNeckline · 29/12/2018 13:09

Presumably he can ejaculate and there's nothing to suggest low sperm count etc, it's likely they'd just need a turkey baster to have kids? I'm not sure that needs to be a primary concern right now.

However his lack of proactivity (assuming he knows you miss and would like sex) is an issue. He isn't a child, or even a young adult, so should know this isn't "normal" and could be a sign of other physical problems (high blood pressure for example). Again, completely different imo to penile cancer or something irreversible; indeed when such injuries or conditions arise it's generally a priority to maintain sexual function as much as possible. On the other hand OP's fiance seems content to just live with the status quo with NO attempt at help, counselling or medication. He is putting his pride above his partner's satisfaction.

And yes, I would say the same about a man considering a sexless future with a woman at this stage of the relationship (ie early days, no DC or financial ties) - if help is sought and professionals feel that PIV sex is off the cards (due to sexual abuse, vaginismus or whatever) that's one thing. It's selfish to expect a partner to just accept it without investigation. Of course it's the individual's right to refuse to seek help or to refuse sex for any reason, but it's their partner's right to leave because of it.

The reason you date someone is to find out whether you're compatible. OP, you don't owe him anything - but perhaps a clear, concise explanation might help him build better relationships in future, or seek help in the meantime.

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 13:13

Blow jobs forever? No thanks.
You need to be loved properly in the long term. You will regret marrying him, I'm surprised you lasted this long.

BeanTownNancy · 29/12/2018 13:16

I'm sorry, but if he can get an erection most of the time, just not during sex then it's a mental issue which will take a long time for him to work on and get over. Do you really want to risk another year or more of your life on this?
I wouldn't. I like sex. If my husband went off it I would stay with him, but we would need to find some workarounds.

thebaronetofcockburn · 29/12/2018 13:17

Life is way way too short for crap sex. It really is. This will not get better. In fact, it will get worse. You are not 'throwing away' anything but a chance to live life to the fullest.

MeredithGrey1 · 29/12/2018 13:18

I don’t think there is anything wrong with a sexless relationship but it has to be something both partners are happy with. The fact he hasn’t made an appointment does not make it look like he cares that it bothers you this much - does he know just how seriously you view it, to the point where you are considering ending the relationship over it? If not then you need to talk to him about it. Perhaps he, as someone with a low/non-existent libido who had never been in a sexual relationship before you, doesn’t fully understand how big of a deal it can be to someone with more of a libido?

theredjellybean · 29/12/2018 13:31

absolutely walk away
just go on threads here of women who didnt and spent years wondering what is wrong with them, their self esteeem in tatters
or join us on the thread were the OP has found out her husband of 20+ yrs is gay...

i know , i could have been you, my dexh never admitted he was asexual or possibly homesexual to anyone, never told me he was a virgin when we met ( he was 23) and our sex life was a disaster from word go....
it got worse and we lived a celibrate life for 10 yrs ..only ended when i met and fell in love with someone else, and had an affair ...which was horrid and awful and caused all sorts of hurt.
PLEASE OP it is not wrong to want a mutually satisfying sex life and if he really loved you he would be doing somehting about this.
My dexh would not talk about it, go to the doctors etc ....and that hurt more than the lack of affection

BasedInDublin · 29/12/2018 14:10

Leave.. The sooner the better.

You might think that things will improve but it won't

WhatToDoNowPlease · 29/12/2018 14:23

Leave. It's shit, it won't be fixed and you will wonder what is wrong with you until you feel like nothing. Do you want to feel hideous and unlovable, jealous of your friends, envious of strangers holding hands, like it isn't worth caring for yourself as it doesn't matter how you feel?

Then you'll get crap from them about how it shouldn't matter if you love each other, but it does. It matters more than I can explain.

FrogsLegs33 · 29/12/2018 14:51

The complete lack of open communication around this issue is something you would both have to resolve if he was ever going to “fix” the problem. It’s been three years and he is no closer to discussing it with you or a doctor, it’s a non-starter

user1483387154 · 29/12/2018 14:53

Leave, it makes you feel worthless and unattractive and it doesnt get any better

OrdinaryGirl · 29/12/2018 15:33

kickassbitch I can imagine that this thread must be a tough read, given your situation. And it's good that your husband is accepting of a low-sex / sexless marriage and that you are close etc. Obviously every situation is different.

But the point here is that the OP is not okay with having a sexless marriage. And it doesn't seem sane to knowingly enter into a marriage with an issue of this magnitude if there is a big discrepancy between each party's acceptance of it and willingness to seek change. Hence the almost entirely consistent position of the many replies.
Surely you wouldn't advocate the OP marrying this dude would you? Someone who had made it clear he's not interested in exploring his ED despite the fact that the love of his life has said it's a problem for her? Any problem in a marriage is like a hole in a small boat - it's a problem for both of you! And there are no signs that resolution and an agreed way forward are on the cards either way.