To throw away engagement because of bad sex life?

[Zoeychace]

I’ve been with my partner for three years and he proposed a few weeks ago. He’s the kindest man and supports me in every way.
However, our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. He was a virgin when he met me and suffers from erectile dysfunction. (He can’t sustain an erection long enough to have intercourse).
As he’s only 33 I’m quite concerned. At first it was a very touchy subject but he’s finally agreed to see a doctor / therapist (he hasn’t made the appointment yet and things haven’t improved yet). It doesn’t help that we’re currently doing long distance (have been for the past year) and only see each other every three months.

I can’t imagine spending the next 50 years dealing with mediocre sex. I should also note that DP has a lower libido.

Is it possible to improve the situation? DP doesn’t want to take drugs - he can get an erection during all other acts except intercourse so I really think it’s an emotional issue not physical.

It’s really putting me off wedding planning which I thought I’d be more excited for

What you describe is not “mediocre” sex!

I’d call off the engagement. It’s going to be a long, long miserable life with no sex.

If he’s stalling on making a therapist appointment now then I’ll bet he puts it off forever once he has you married and tied to him. You deserve a joyful and fulfilling sex life. It’s a massive part of a relationship. And if you miss out on the opportunity to have children because of his refusal or inability to address these issues then you will end up hating him forever.

It does sound like a deal breaker for you.

If it were me I'd not cancel the engagement, but the wedding wouldn't be booked and planned unless/until this was sorted out.

Btw am I right in understanding that you're long distance? So you guys haven't lived together yet? I'd have wanted to try living with somebody before I agreed to spend the rest of my life with them.

Good god. It never fails to surprise me how many relationship vultures are on MN.

Talk to him, OP. He is a good man in every other aspect. Tell him this needs to be fixed and work with him on it as you would if another part of your relationship was off.

Give the man a chance first!!!

Sounds like he needs to see a GP and/or a counsellor. Nothing will change unless he is prepared to explore why he has a problem. I think you should put a time limit in him seeking help though (6 months?) and things improving, otherwise this will go on indefinitely and you will be kept in relationship limbo.

If I were you, I’d always wonder if he proposed because he figured I’d come to terms with his disability (cos that’s what it is in this day & age) and he’d be unlikely to find someone else so willing to give up a proper marriage and children kind of future.

I’d want to be his first choice as a person, and a team member, and cos he fancied me enough to get this shiz sorted out. Not because I was gullible enough to provide him with the semblance of normal married life, with none of the sexual benefits.

If you think it can be solved, then do the research yourself and book several appointments with a couples therapist. Give him the date and time of the appointments. No ‘asking’ or ‘hoping’ or cajoling.

And spend 10 minutes in quiet meditation, by yourself, asking this question. If nothing changes, what will you wish you had done, 10 years from now? Cos 10 years of effective celibacy is what you're looking at.

Love can’t fix this. Only yukky embarrassing appointments with lots of experts. It’s doable, but don’t help him pretend everything’s rosy by celebrating an engagement or doing wedding planning. You’re going to need that money and energy for a solution, and IVF.

Trust me (or PM me). I have lived your next 10 years.

Three things:

Sex can be a deal-breaker in a relationship. Whether that's too much or not enough. You both have to be on the same page about it, regardless if that's never doing it or swinging from the chandelier every night. You having to cajole him into seeking help is a huge red flag, because it doesn't say much about how much value he places on your feelings or happiness.

A virgin into his 30s who cannot maintain an erection for penetrative sex, is strongly suggestive of a porn habit. Porn can desensitise sexual reaction in a real life physical relationship. If that is the case, then he needs to be honest about it and tell you what he's going to do to address that (no more porn, see a therapist).

Do not marry, or agree to marry, this man until you have sorted this out. Just don't. And be aware that this goes beyond erectile dysfunction - you need to be absolutely sure that he's going to value you, be honest with you and be the kind of partner that you want him to be.

If he hasn't sorted it in 3 years he isn't going to sort it now. And how lovely can he be if he doesn't care enough about your pleasure to get his sorted?

If your unhappy, don't go ahead with the engagement, be honest now or you will end up resentful and him even more gutted than he would be if you did it now.
I have a very low sex drive I have seen the doctor and there are no obvious reasons, therapy?, I just don't want to have sex no matter how much I love someone, it just doesn't float my boat, I just don;t like it. It got worse over the 13 yrs I have been married and had two kids and I'm constantly terrified that my husband will stray or leave me due to the lack of it.
It makes me feel very sad that sometimes people can't love someone enough and the rest of the relationship can't be strong and meaningful enough to walk away because of only one aspect of a relationship. Yes of course it is important to some people, but is the rest of the relationship and your love for the person so weak that no sex should be a deal breaker? I would loose my faith in love altogether if I ended up on my own for the above reasons as someone couldn't love me enough to stay if they couldn't have sex with me.

I wouldn't plan the wedding until this was sorted.

OP, marriage is a huge thing to undertake, and as others have said, it's not something to go into unless you can answer the question 'Is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?' with an resounding, enthusiastic 'YES!'

Marriage can be really hard even when things are 'easy', and when things get tough, you need to be able to cling to the knowledge you made the right choice to throw your lot in with the other person in the first place.

I would ask if you want kids, because obviously this is going to impact on that, but actually that's irrelevant to the matter at hand.

If the issue has persisted for three years, the evidence suggests things aren't going to magically change once you're married.

It's significant that he won't even countenance the blue pills, as these are proven to work and widely used by men in his situation. What's that about? Do you wonder if he might be gay?

Eventually you are going to meet someone who you love madly who adores you back as much as your fiancé, but who is able and willing to have a full physical relationship with you too. It seems a shame to short-change yourself and your future by settling for less than that.

You need to get this sorted and for both of you to be happy. I'm sure he feels just as frustrated as you.

Sorry OP but your marriage won't last under these circumstances.

Viagra isn't even on prescription anymore so he could just walk into a chemist and buy some to see if it'll work. Sounds to me like he doesn't want to try and wants you both to just accept a sexless marriage

If you have to ask this question then you don’t want to stay with him anyway.

My friend has vulvodynia and has never had sex with her husband. They love each other and find other ways.

If my husband’s penis fell off, I wouldn’t dream of ending our marriage. I’d love him just as much. He is more important to me than sex.

There are other ways to have sex/feel close.
Perhaps the 3 months apart thing is making you feel even more disconnected and the lack of sex just pushes it over the edge?

No no no. This isn't mediocre sex. It's no sex.

Give the man a chance? They haven’t had sex in three years!

I am sure it would be possible to work on but the problem seems that he doesn’t really want to. Is there a reason he was a virgin until he was 30?

Split. If he hasn’t fixed the problem in 3 years it isn’t a problem to him. Easier for you both to find compatible new partners in your early 30s than when you’re older.

If you want to try for a family this cloud be a real issue... we had sex almost every day and it still took us 18 months the first time.

He’s the kindest man and supports me in every way.

But you only see each other every three months! You know basically nothing about how this man would be on a day to day basis, yet you're engaged to him? Are you nuts? You need to live together and see how you get along for real first at the least

He can get an erection to wank, but not to have sex with you?

This isnt the man for you

I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘this means he doesn’t value your pleasure’. He clearly has some deep seated issues which are getting in the way. If he was a woman and op was a man everyone would be going mental about how their needs are just as important and they shouldn’t be pressured (not saying you’re doing that op, just trying to add some perspective to pps)

I do agree that you shouldn’t marry him until this is sorted out. Unfortunately the more you push the more he is likely to withdraw - ED is often pressure related. It sounds as though you need to go to a sex counsellor together to work through this. I would set a time limit on how long before you go, say 3 months. If he won’t, that’s his right, but it sounds like you should walk away.

Re the pressure thing, I also wonder how often this is brought up - as in, are you always mentioning it? Have you tried being positive and loving if/when it goes down (sorry if that sounds patronising)? From experience, the harder you push, the more he will back away - and that may impact the ED but also the sex drive generally. If you decide to try counselling, I would not frame it as a dealbreaker for the getting married - that will just add pressure. I would come up with a convincing excuse - maybe that you want to see what venues look like in the summertime before committing so will put off planning until next year?

Good luck, must be a really hard situation.

I don’t think it’s fair to say ‘this means he doesn’t value your pleasure’. He clearly has some deep seated issues which are getting in the way. If he was a woman and op was a man everyone would be going mental about how their needs are just as important and they shouldn’t be pressured

Actually I don't think it's the same thing. I'm sure most women would have gone to the doctor by now if they had an issue like vagismus that prevented penetration. As for sex drive, what can really be done for a woman's libido issues? Many women have a low sex drive but there is no medication we can take for it. In many men's case, it could be as simple as going to the chemist and taking a blue pill. That's why this guy is getting a hard time (no pun intended) because he's not even taking the simplest of steps to improve their sex life. If women could just pop a pill, I'm pretty sure we'd at least give it a go!

I don’t mean to be insensitive, but is he gay and struggling with it?

Don't marry him.

You will be so miserable.