To throw away engagement because of bad sex life?

[Zoeychace]

I’ve been with my partner for three years and he proposed a few weeks ago. He’s the kindest man and supports me in every way.
However, our sex life leaves a lot to be desired. He was a virgin when he met me and suffers from erectile dysfunction. (He can’t sustain an erection long enough to have intercourse).
As he’s only 33 I’m quite concerned. At first it was a very touchy subject but he’s finally agreed to see a doctor / therapist (he hasn’t made the appointment yet and things haven’t improved yet). It doesn’t help that we’re currently doing long distance (have been for the past year) and only see each other every three months.

I can’t imagine spending the next 50 years dealing with mediocre sex. I should also note that DP has a lower libido.

Is it possible to improve the situation? DP doesn’t want to take drugs - he can get an erection during all other acts except intercourse so I really think it’s an emotional issue not physical.

It’s really putting me off wedding planning which I thought I’d be more excited for

Thanks for all the replies. It’s given me a lot to think about. Just want to mention that I’ve known my partner for ten years (dating for three) and have been through a lot with him (illness, etc) hence my desire to find a solution instead of immediately breaking up.

My fiancé knows this is an issue for me now - I should clarify that I also didn’t discuss this with him for a long time (was hoping it was nerves + lack of sexual experience and would resolve itself)
I would say I only really told him I wasn’t satisfied about 6 months ago. Unfortunately he takes it very personally and is very sensitive about this issue. Because of his low libido at first he didn’t understand the importance of sex in a relationship.

I’m surprised that some think he may be secretly gay (is there any way to know for sure)? I suppose in such a case he wouldn’t even be out to himself?

I will look into couples counselling with a therapist that deals with sexual dysfunction - but unfortunately this is made more difficult by the fact that DP is living overseas atm. If anyone with a similar experience stayed with their partner with a good outcome, I’d love to hear your stories.

Thanks again

GET OUT NOW

Like others have said, your future self will thank you.

I am in a more or less sexless marriage (led by DH) and if I had have know way back when then I would have walked away.

Now, however we have a child and I have come to decide thy my family is more important to me than sex. So for the time being we are still together.

But as you are early in your relationship, walk away.

I wouldn't cohabit, raise kids or spend every single night of my life with a "friend”

But she isn’t doing any of those things with him either, and never has. This is an old friend she meets up with four times a year.

OP what has changed from when you were “friends” to now that you are “dating”, if you aren’t having sex and see him so infrequently? Are you just calling him more?

I cannot imagine why you only see him every three months when you are both in the UK. When I was long distance with DH, we visited each other every weekend (3hr train ride, we took it in turns). It seems like not only is his libido low, but that he has no particular desire to see you in person or share his life with you either. That isn’t any basis for marriage.

I wouldn't bother with therapists or even talking to him to try and improve the situation. My guess is he'll make an effort for a short amount of time then things will revert back.

Do you really want to be with someone who needs professional help (both emotionally and physically) in order to have sex with you?

If I were you I'd count myself lucky I wasn't already married to him or had children with him. You can leave this 'relationship' fairly easily.

My first thought was also that he is gay.

Run. For. The. Hills.

He's never been to the Drs? Why? This isnt normal in a 30 yr old man. He should rule out a medical problem.

Is he otherwise healthy? Very over weight?

@Sashkin My partner is not in the UK at the moment.
We were friends first, dated for two years (living in the same city), and have now been long distance for the past year.

@gabriella he’s not overweight
Of course there could be a physical problem but am thinking the problem is psychological as he can get an erection in other situations other than intercourse

OP, he's the one with the issue here, but you're the one doing the legwork to fix this.

That tells me straight off that he isn't fussed in finding a solution. That he isn't bothered about working towards a healthy sex life with you. So, a porn habit, a low libido, or possibly gay.

It's going to take a long time to sort, and that assumes him to be willing. As he isn't showing much interest in sorting this, it may never be resolved and you could end up resenting him.

Sorry, OP, I'd call it a day now, and don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy.

Ah, my apologies, when you said that you would “move back to his hometown” it sounded like you were a couple of hundred miles away, not overseas.

It is pretty common for men who have not dated before and who are nervous of intimacy to find “long distance” girlfriends, usually from their existing pool of friends, so they can “have a girlfriend” without any of the risk of actually dating somebody properly, or having to have sex with them.

If you haven’t lived with him before though I would still suggest that you move back to be with him, give him six months to sort the impotence out and see how you feel then. Even though DH and I had lived together for eight years prior to our time long distance, and still saw each other every week, there was still a readjustment period when I moved back in again. You both get used to living independently.

The most worrying thing that you have said is that he did not realise the importance of sex in a relationship. That is really not normal in a 30 something person of either gender. It sounds as though your partner has suffered some kind of sexual abuse in the past. I would never tell someone to walk away from a marriage for lack of sex, but you don't sound as though you have a strong basis for a long term future if he is already something that needs "fixing".

I can't recommend viagra highly enough. Gives u the male the confidence to initiate and sustain a regular sexual relationship ... after approx 6months using it on/off we no longer had an issue!!!

Not going to lie, I was in the exact same boat as you, got out of the relationship, and 4 years down the line I am so much happier and have a baby with my now partner. I felt so unattractive and each time I was rejected I felt worthless. Best thing I ever did in my opinion .

I find it highly unlikely that you'll find happy stories of this being fixed sadly. Even in the couples where it has been 'accepted', the person who has had to do the accepting would usually change the situation in a heartbeat if they could.

Marrying him would be agreeing to feeling crushed, regretful, miserable, ugly, worthless and depressed. You won't even be able to say you weren't warned.

A serious porn habit is much likelier than him being secretly gay, IMO.

A serious porn habit is much likelier than him being secretly gay, IMO.

The OP said he was a virgin until he was 30 so he will undoubtedly have been a porn user and also will be screwed up neurologically when it comes to sex and sensations. Most people who start late have problems in the same way as people who start too early.

I agree re porn. Also is there a reason why he’s a virgin at 33? That would make me a little uneasy. Why hasn’t he had a relationship before?

Nah. He's 33 and hasn't yet been to see a doctor about this!?
He's not likely to get this sorted out. He might be fine with things as they are but it doesn't sound like you are. And what happens when you start TTC at some point (if you want kids) and the pressure is really on.

Sounds like he has the male equivalent of Vaginismus. He won’t really change this unless he gets professional help, which may include seeing a psychiatrist. It will probably be uncomfortable for him and it’s not guaranteed to help him sustain a higher libido.

You also have to take into account that he was a 30 year old virgin (side note: in my opinion that isn’t indicative of a healthy social/dating life throughout his life) so this level of sex (or lack of) is his version of normal. So although it’s uncomfortable and not enough for you, he literally doesn’t know any better as this is the normal level of intimacy that he’s used to. This makes you both fundamentally incompatibleas you obviously can’t force him to have sex, but at the same time this means that you to have to give up on sex completely. To be frank, I don’t think his attitude to sex is healthy if he was a virgin at 30 as it makes me wonder if there’s something about sex/intimacy/his body/potential pregnancy/possible abuse etc which is subconsciously destroying his sex drive.

I don’t think that you are compatible as lovers, so your relationship will never really improve from where it’s at now. Who knows - it could even be you, he might in the future if you split be more comfortable with someone else.

Ultimately he's damaged goods, ditch him and find someone normal. There are plenty of men out there.

It makes me feel very sad that sometimes people can't love someone enough and the rest of the relationship can't be strong and meaningful enough to walk away because of only one aspect of a relationship. Yes of course it is important to some people, but is the rest of the relationship and your love for the person so weak that no sex should be a deal breaker? I would loose my faith in love altogether if I ended up on my own for the above reasons as someone couldn't love me enough to stay if they couldn't have sex with me.

For some people - probably many people - sex isn't one thing that can be pigeon-holed apart from the rest of a relationship. It's a part of loving them, it's a part of what binds you together literally and figuratively. As a desire, it can just be a fundamental part of who you are. It's not as if this is one thing that's a bit of a blip, it's a fundamental part of your identity. So if people are to remain in a sexless relationship then they both have to agree to this - and they may well do so. However, if someone wants a sexual relationship they shouldn't feel guilty for doing so.

I'd give him one last chance actually to get help with his problem OP. But it's not looking good because three years is a long time not to get this sorted. If sex is important to you, don't commit to the rest of your life without it. And I'm afraid I don't have a happy story of having resolved the problem - I split up with a boyfriend who had ED. No matter how patient, kind and understanding I was, he would not seek help and the continual rejection destroyed my self esteem.

Viagra doesn’t increase men’s sex drive! It just makes them hard. The equivalent in women would be using lube to simulate natural lubrication if they’re not turned on enough to produce it themselves. I think that’s a bit of a grim way of looking at it - that as long as you’re prepped physically, it doesn’t matter what’s going on emotionally. Again, it definitely would not be expected of a woman.

I'm aware of that! My point was that the typical complaint that men have is a lack of sex drive in their DPs. Women really can't do much about that as there is no magic pill so if a man was complaining about it people may defend the woman because she can't fix it. He would have to accept it or leave.

This situation is not the same because we are biologically different. There IS a possible treatment that OP's DP could try but is refusing (medication) and he hasn't taken steps to get therapy either. If a woman refused treatment for Vaginismus knowing her DP would never be able to have PIV with her I'm pretty sure the responses would be similar to the ones on this thread.

if he was a woman and op was a man everyone would be going mental about how their needs are just as important and they shouldn’t be pressured

If the op posted as a man that he had never had sex to completion with his girlfriend and his girlfriend had to be pushed to see the problem, I wouldn't be saying anything of the sort.

I wish someone had told me what I am about to tell you: walk away. No matter how much you care for each other, a marriage void of sexual intimacy is a miserable existence. There are so many red flags here that, please, please listen to me and PPs - find someone else.

It took me 16 years (married for 12) to realise that being in a sexless relationship is more than just a lack of sex. It slowly ground me down, the self doubt, the rejection, the maybe it’s me. It has made me hate myself and, ultimately, my husband who, despite professing undying love, has done nothing to even attempt to solve this issue. He has always talked the talk, but not once has he followed through with seeking help. And we actually used to have sex - good sex even!
Please, walk away.

OP don't walk into a marriage knowing beforehand that there is a huge problem. You will ruin your life.